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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

727 replies

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 08:51

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

OP posts:
Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:00

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 29/12/2022 12:58

I wish people would stop telling OP she cannot ban this horrible girl. She has.

And rightly so.

Do you have children?

Would you be okay with your partner banning your underage children from your home? Because if so, I feel very sorry for your kids.

Iwonder08 · 29/12/2022 13:00

Well done OP for standing up for yourself and your little girl. Nobody should tolerate abuse from anyone, especially in their own home.

BaublesandBangles · 29/12/2022 13:01

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 29/12/2022 12:58

I wish people would stop telling OP she cannot ban this horrible girl. She has.

And rightly so.

As well as calling her a basketcase. Any way I think she has done the right thing. I'm sure the SD will be better off away from the OP.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:01

healthadvice123 · 29/12/2022 12:16

Using the word basket case for someone who probably has mental health issues is not ok either and will not help the situation

Policing the language of someone who has been to hell and back with this situation is a good indication of the type of ghoul you are.

OP posts:
Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:01

PatientZorro · 29/12/2022 12:57

What a spiteful post @Miajk - another one who only reads what they want to of the OP’s posts such is your desperation to put the boot into the stepmum. Sad.

How is it spiteful?

I read all of it. If my partner thought it's okay to ban an underage child from our home (his or mine) I wouldn't want to be with him.

Does her partner get the power to kick out her kids? Do you really not see how insane this is?

poefaced · 29/12/2022 13:03

Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:00

Do you have children?

Would you be okay with your partner banning your underage children from your home? Because if so, I feel very sorry for your kids.

Show quote history

Violent, dangerous children should be separated from their younger, more vulnerable siblings.

In this case DSD has her mum’s home to go and spend time with her dad there so it’s absolutely right DSD be removed.

Would you allow a violent, dangerous sibling near your younger child?

TimBoothseyes · 29/12/2022 13:04

MelchiorsMistress · 29/12/2022 12:55

No, they should be an equal concern, not the primary concern.

Show quote history

I don't even know where to start with this.

A child of 7 being attacked by a 17 year old in her own home should be expected to just put up with it because she is deemed to be equal to a violent teenager? Really?

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:04

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 12:51

May I ask, OP, what do you think went wrong here?

you've known her since she was a "cute 3 year old" and now before you is a 17 year old who is very unpleasant.

What has happened in between those years? What was yours and DH response to her and her behaviours? Did she grow up the majority in your household or was it split between you and her mum. Had her mum poisoned her against you?

Do you feel any fondness for her, regardless of her bad behaviour? And does she sense what you feel. Is she like this to everyone?

Many questions there before I can form an opinion

She is the product of parents who don’t give boundaries or consequences. Simple as that I’m afraid.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/12/2022 13:04

It’s my home too! She has two homes, I only have the one.

Exactly she has 2 homes.

It is not ok to ban her from 1.

If she can’t come to the home you share with DH, then DH needs to move out into his own home (not the ex’s) and create her 2nd home there, where she is welcomed and has a safe space (especially away from her bully of a mum) but without risk to her siblings.

I can’t see in what world it would be acceptable for someone to move in with their ex for half the week, especially when the ex has been portrayed to be such a nightmare.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 13:04

What kind of violent and dangerous things has your DSD to your DD?

PatientZorro · 29/12/2022 13:05

I'm shocked your partner wants to stay with you. I guess you both deserve each other.

This @Miajk. If this counts as reasonable and not spiteful in your eyes then there’s not much more I can say to you.

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:05

Allsnotwell · 29/12/2022 12:47

I don’t think it’s OK to feel smug (and I’m not the only one who has picked up on that tone) when a child is struggling

Well you haven’t lived with a violent ND child. It’s like an abusive relationship you can’t get out of. Every day is all about them - their needs, their wants, walking in egg shells, waiting for them to destroy the house, you don’t buy ‘nice’ things because they get targeted to be destroyed.
It could be the smallest thing that sets them off, they tear ‘your love’ with a do it for me attitude …. It’s wearing ….

OP has found a solution and I’m not surprised she’s celebrating.

All those saying ‘poor child’ makes me wonder what you are doing to support parents in this situation, because I would bet that these are the kids that aren’t invited to play dates or parties …. You washed your hands of them years ago and added flames to that fire.

Spot on and couldn’t have said better myself.

OP posts:
BabyFour2023 · 29/12/2022 13:05

You’re saying a divorce won’t happen. Don’t be so sure of that when you ban his child from being in his home.

Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:06

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:04

She is the product of parents who don’t give boundaries or consequences. Simple as that I’m afraid.

Show quote history

Parents - so your partner is also an awful parent contributing to this issue, but somehow it's the child getting punished?

3 adults in this situation, all sound nasty tbh, but somehow it's appropriate for the child to suffer. Why on earth you decided to have your own kids when you have zero compassion or common sense makes me wonder.

AliceOlive · 29/12/2022 13:06

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 13:04

It’s my home too! She has two homes, I only have the one.

Exactly she has 2 homes.

It is not ok to ban her from 1.

If she can’t come to the home you share with DH, then DH needs to move out into his own home (not the ex’s) and create her 2nd home there, where she is welcomed and has a safe space (especially away from her bully of a mum) but without risk to her siblings.

I can’t see in what world it would be acceptable for someone to move in with their ex for half the week, especially when the ex has been portrayed to be such a nightmare.

The ex isn’t there when he is there. She’s with her partner.

There are people who choose to maintain one home for the children and move in and out. It sounds more stable to me than being shuffled between homes.

BabyFour2023 · 29/12/2022 13:06

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:04

She is the product of parents who don’t give boundaries or consequences. Simple as that I’m afraid.

Show quote history

Why marry a man who is a shit parent?

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 13:06

Would you leave the possibility open for your DSD to let back in the house if her behaviour improves as well? That would be something to consider. Asking her to be away from the house until her violence is under control around your DD but maybe not a permanent ban?

I8toys · 29/12/2022 13:07

Well done for protecting your child. I like boundaries. Everyone knows where they stand now.

Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:07

PatientZorro · 29/12/2022 13:05

I'm shocked your partner wants to stay with you. I guess you both deserve each other.

This @Miajk. If this counts as reasonable and not spiteful in your eyes then there’s not much more I can say to you.

You'd want to stay with someone who kicks an underage child out of their home?

It's not spiteful to point out that these kind of people do deserve each other. And it's certainly not more spiteful than kicking out a kid because you are a "boundary queen" 👍

Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:08

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 13:04

It’s my home too! She has two homes, I only have the one.

Exactly she has 2 homes.

It is not ok to ban her from 1.

If she can’t come to the home you share with DH, then DH needs to move out into his own home (not the ex’s) and create her 2nd home there, where she is welcomed and has a safe space (especially away from her bully of a mum) but without risk to her siblings.

I can’t see in what world it would be acceptable for someone to move in with their ex for half the week, especially when the ex has been portrayed to be such a nightmare.

Thank you for the kind hearted advice. We’ve worked hard to come up with a workable solution within a very thorny situation and despite your stellar advice are very much going to stick with plan A.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:08

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 13:06

Would you leave the possibility open for your DSD to let back in the house if her behaviour improves as well? That would be something to consider. Asking her to be away from the house until her violence is under control around your DD but maybe not a permanent ban?

At this point no.

OP posts:
Shoecleaner · 29/12/2022 13:09

Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:06

Parents - so your partner is also an awful parent contributing to this issue, but somehow it's the child getting punished?

3 adults in this situation, all sound nasty tbh, but somehow it's appropriate for the child to suffer. Why on earth you decided to have your own kids when you have zero compassion or common sense makes me wonder.

Show quote history

Are you for real? The OP has endured years of trying to help her DSD but she hasn't got PR and ultimately has no power to influence her. I think she has shown a lot of compassion and her decision to ban the DSD and her mother is total common sense. You are either a doormat or have no experience of abusive relationships.

PatientZorro · 29/12/2022 13:09

Well then we’ll have to agree to disagree @Miajk - I think it comes across as very spiteful and adds nothing to the discussion but your bile.

toocold54 · 29/12/2022 13:10

I work with teens with SEND and SEMH and I understand how violent they can be.

There was the situation of the brother killing his sister at the holiday park not that long ago, so I get your worry.

But DH moving into his ex’s house for half the week is not going to work and is such a crazy idea.

I know many parents who decide to live separately so their NT kids aren’t put at risk or unintentionally ignored.
None of them go and live in their ex’s homes, nor do they completely ban their children from their own homes.

Miajk · 29/12/2022 13:11

Shoecleaner · 29/12/2022 13:09

Are you for real? The OP has endured years of trying to help her DSD but she hasn't got PR and ultimately has no power to influence her. I think she has shown a lot of compassion and her decision to ban the DSD and her mother is total common sense. You are either a doormat or have no experience of abusive relationships.

Show quote history

OP admits that it's parental failure leading to this, but she's happy to stay with her partner and let him influence her younger DD?

How is this reasonable?

She also just said even if DSS behaviour improves she wouldn't be allowed back.

So just to be clear, if your child behaved like the DSD you'd kick them out at 17? Ban them from your home? And you would think thats okay?