Dss8 wants to go back to mums.

[Goingforplatinum]

I know I'll get it in the neck for this one but here goes anyway.

I've been in Dss life since he was aged 3 and he has always adored his dad.

4 years after me and his dad got together I git pregnant and Dss told me he was sad because he wanted his mum and dad to be together, I sat with him and had a chat about how that was understandable and natural but they aren't getting back together and that both mum and dad love him immensely.

DD was born and they get on so well and adore each other. I ensure I take DD out regularly on weekend so dad gets 1:1 time with DSS.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us, (never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen). He also on some nights cries really loudly calling for his mum saying he misses her and wants to be with her. Dad or I will normally reassure him but to be honest it's starting to test my patience now.

I have DSD a lot whilst mum and dad work. I treat him exactly like DD we do fun things out and play games if we stay in. He never seems to cry when at nans, or when having a sleep over at aunties and also doesn't cry when we have fun things planned, such as theme parks, cinema, zoos etc, always after we have been to these events. This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum.

Is this normal behaviour? If so how do I handle it?

Eight is still very young even if it seems quite grown up when you have a baby. He enjoys the nice things and they take his mind off of his parents split but when it is quiet and he is on his own he is reminded off it its not unusual. Its also not the same at being at Nanny's or Anties because your house is a reminder that they are split up no matter how knid you are. You have to carry on being patient, he expresses his wish for his parents to get back together because you are a safe person and that is nice.

I suppose the next step might be some private counselling to help him work through his grief for the family he wished he had. You sound like you've done everything you can on your side so it's time for his parents to step in and get him some help.

Stop looking after him when mum and dad work.
I think at christmas it's normal for them to miss the other parent and wish it was different.

Ugh my phone kept moving the cursor, hopefully you can work out what I meant amongst the random spellings.

This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum. maybe look at the contact pattern- try different things like fewer days at each house before swapping and more days. See what works best for him.

Stop baby sitting their child, and ignore any comments about getting back together again. Just blank it.
And have a think about how this might be when he’s a teenager. Dad really needs to take the lead in this situation.

Mines doing the same.
He does tend to talk to me about things as he is an anxious child and so was I at his age so do understand how he feels.
I think this morning I'm just feeling deflated. I do everything for him and it feels like I may as well not bother.
I know I need to stop taking it personally but sometimes it's really hard.

I am thinking about saying no, but if I have him when mum and dad are working it means he gets to see dad more.

He doesn't say it to dad, only says it to me.

I think his dad should have a word with him reiterating that although he and his mum both love him they will never get back together. Then he needs to tell him that it's upsetting for you to keep talking about it and if he wants to talk about it again it needs to be with dad.

Ah I know that feeling but in a way I think its the same as with my own toddler - they don't thank you much but that's because they trust you to be a constant. Same as him opening up to you.

Dad needs to speak to him about it.

I think you have been so empathetic with him that he feels he can be himself with you and express it every time he feels a pang of missing his mum.
Maybe it’s time to be a little less sympathetic? Not in a nasty way but just change the subject quickly when he mentions wishing his parents would reconcile. Or just repeat what your husband says to him on the subject. I think him crying last night was maybe understandable though after the excitement of Christmas. You definitely shouldn’t take it personally. If anything, you are currently being too nice.

Why are you looking after him so much when his parents are working? Isn’t it up to his own parents to work out between themselves when one of them are free to watch over him? And if that isn’t possible financially then maybe they need a sitter that isn’t you?
The fact that you have him so much may be contributing to why he resents yours and your DP’s relationship so much. If his parents have split up he need stability with them and needs to know they’re still both invested in him as parents. The only way that can be down is if they spend quality time with him and look after his emotional needs to. I can’t see why it’s falling to you to sort his emotional out. and I can’t see why it’s falling to you to have him a lot whilst his parents work. No wonder poor fella feels as he does.

I can see you have tried really hard to help him with this, and it is frustrating when you expend all your energy to improve things but making no progress.

I think though, that you aren't well placed to help. It's not much good to him if he goes to stay with his Dad and instead finds himself spending most of his time with you. And then when he does get time to spend with his Dad and gets an opportunity to talk about his sense of loss from his family breaking up - he gets shrugged shoulders and short shrift and so he has stopped asking - it's a lot to give up on your Dad by the time you are eight.

I don't know the best answer but I know his parents need to be looking to do this.

When Dad does speak to him about it he needs to be calm and explain not just shut the boy down.
I would also look for age appropriate books that cover this, there must be some out there somewhere.

IMO it is entirely normal for a child to think/feel this. What is unusual is feeling safe enough to express it - this is a healthy thing though. It is very unkind of you to think of not supporting a young child any more because they tell you the truth after you've encouraged them to talk to you. It is not surprising he wants his parents together, who wouldn't?

Yes I think that needs looking at. I get that it means dad can spend more time overall but to the child it won't seem like that. It will feel like all of a sudden he's got another "parent" figure.

Over all he probably spends more awake hours with me then he does either of his parents. I've always tried to nature him as when I was worried and young I had no one to talk to, and don't want him to feel the same. For christmas he really wanted this one item. Mum and dad both had a quick look in toy shop and couldn't find it so gave up, I was the one that scoured the Internet until I got the item as I could bare it if he didn't have it (was the only thing he asked for).

I have said to dad I want to stop doing the school runs but that started an argument between mum and dad about who was going to do it, so was just left as it was.

I have said to dad I want to stop doing the school runs but that started an argument between mum and dad about who was going to do it, so was just left as it was. no that's ridiculous sorry. It can't be left to you because neither of them can be arsed.

You sound lovely. Really really lovely xx
Sorry it is hard. I hope he grows out of it soon. Poor kid. And poor you!

So you are stuck between two warring parents who can't be arsed with him? Sounds shit - no wonder he's miserable.

Thank you. Not feeling that way this morning though.

@KangarooKenny ”blank” an eight year old child expressing how they feel.

hope you are not responsible or have any meant to be close relationships with any children

If he cries after having had a nice time with you, it could be feeling guilty he has temporarily 'forgotten' his Mum whilst having fun / wishing his Mum could have been there too. That's how it was for my adopted daughter when we adopted her around the same age.

I think you’re being a good stepmum so don’t listen to people criticising you on here. It’s just a hard situation for him and for you. The bigger picture is that his parents don’t seem to put him first or care as much as they should. That may be at the root of the problem.
He will naturally become more independent as he gets older. But he’s in a hard place at the moment. Not his fault but I can totally understand it’s getting tiring. I think you should encourage his Dad to spend more quality time with him/ give him more attention.

both his parents sound pretty crap so no wonder if he’s upset

i understand it feels bad for you - but it is probably making an enormous difference to his life to have one nice and invested adult in his life.