Dss8 wants to go back to mums.

[Goingforplatinum]

I know I'll get it in the neck for this one but here goes anyway.

I've been in Dss life since he was aged 3 and he has always adored his dad.

4 years after me and his dad got together I git pregnant and Dss told me he was sad because he wanted his mum and dad to be together, I sat with him and had a chat about how that was understandable and natural but they aren't getting back together and that both mum and dad love him immensely.

DD was born and they get on so well and adore each other. I ensure I take DD out regularly on weekend so dad gets 1:1 time with DSS.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us, (never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen). He also on some nights cries really loudly calling for his mum saying he misses her and wants to be with her. Dad or I will normally reassure him but to be honest it's starting to test my patience now.

I have DSD a lot whilst mum and dad work. I treat him exactly like DD we do fun things out and play games if we stay in. He never seems to cry when at nans, or when having a sleep over at aunties and also doesn't cry when we have fun things planned, such as theme parks, cinema, zoos etc, always after we have been to these events. This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum.

Is this normal behaviour? If so how do I handle it?

It must be hard for him knowing that his sister gets both of her parents full time.

And that his step mother has more time for him than either of his parents.

That does mean that he is spending time with his sister though-surely that's important?

Babysitting: the care of a child or children while the parents are out.

I think that stance is vile. Putting yourself before the kids in the family is vile.

Looking at kids who parents life you want to be in and considering yourself ‘babysitting’ is vile.

be with someone without kids, I’ve seen this destroy children and it’s horrendous.

It's not vile to acknowledge they aren't my children ultimately. They know this and would probably be horrified if I started acting as if I was a parent. I don't think OP is doing anything wrong I think the issue is the parents, or at least dad as OP doesn't really know what goes on at mums, is outsourcing a lot of the parenting to OP. The child has to know they can rely on their actual parents to look after them and OP is a bonus.

I don't put myself before my stepchildren. I don't need to as my DH doesn't expect me to do the parenting.

That doesn’t sounds so bad from mum. It’s hard to know how to handle the topic!
I think that you, DP and DSS need to dig down and discuss it together. When this comes up with my DSD we generally cover:
Mum and dad loved each other a long time ago and were very happy that DSD came along.
Mum and dad didn’t make each other happy and are now happier apart. They are never ever getting back together.
Even if DP is single for a long time, mum and dad are never ever ever getting back together.
Mum and dad and sellorkeep love you very much.
And rinse and repeat.
He needs it straight with no chance that he can retain hope. Poor kids - they just dream of nuclear family perfection.

It's lovely he feels he can share his feelings. That's a real positive.
I understand it is wearing for you but he's just struggling not doing it on purpose.
I wouldn't get his dad to 'have a word' as a pp said. He shouldn't have to hide how he feels he should have help coping and growing up never having what he holds dear on his heart.
Actually if he has that kind of help and therapy what they might help him to see us what a huge positive you are in his life and how that would be missing if his parents were together. His learning to accept that the family he has gives him things the family he yearns for doesn't even while he yearns for it.
Also grief when growing up is different because you feel the loss you've had (a loss of the family unit for him) afresh and differently at each development stage so you constantly have to adjust and take it in on the new level as you mature.
Keep being kind, keep treating him as your family, try not to take it personally and chat to his dad about finding him some emotional support for this from a skilled 3rd party.

Sit down!

That’s a lot of assuming from you!

I don’t think OP is doing anything wrong, she’s a brilliant SP. You suggested she do something wrong by changing up dynamics and parenting the way you do which I don’t agree with at all.

nothing more to say.

I can't wrap my head around the mum's and dad's attitudes. My ex and I do 50/50 and regard the time the children ARE with us as precious and they as our absolute priority. We both have scheduled our work as best we can so that we do the heavy lifting on the days they are not with us and even now, 7 years on, it would be very rare for either of us to go out at night for example when they are with us. But are lead by them in terms of how they want to spend their time and if that's with their friends, then that's ok. As parents, it is our 'fault' that they are in this situation, we damn well try and make sure that the impact on them in terms of their emotional well-being is as low as it can be. This little boy is crying for the mum he doesn't have by the sound of it.

As he was so very young he will have no/ few memories of them being together. So he's not hankering after anything solid, just his 8 yo imaginings of what life might have been like if they were. And it won't be realistic! At that age my granddaughter was sobbing to her (together) parents that her life was awful as EVERYONE else had more money/ better clothes etc etc, as she'd seen it on YouTube! Very hurtful but also utter rubbish!
All those saying don't look after him- that's not how blended families work and if you're suggesting that an 8 year old co trials how the adults manage their lives you need to take a good look at yourselves!
OP- continue being your loving empathetic self. Offload to a friend who will listen and support. DSS will come through this safe in the knowledge that all the adults in his life care about him. And believe me, he will come through it. 😊

I don't parent. I don't need to because their parents actually parent.

Nothing more to say

Step parents 🫤

I'm a child of divorced parents and had a difficult stepmother. I ended up feeling very rejected by the adults in my life. You sound absolutely lovely and I wish I'd had a stepmother as empathetic as you. Please keep supporting this little boy. Don't underestimate the difference you're making to his wellbeing.

But, separately, get his parents to step up!

And I agree that counselling for your stepson would be a good move. Family therapy might be very helpful too.

step parents😕

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wonder if he thinks that if you weren't around to pick up the childcare and support, then his parents would be forced to get back together

I agree. Your DSS is actually pretty astute. In the nicest way, his logic is that if you weren't in the picture then his parents would have to see him more.

It certainly sounds like you are doing way too much for him when his parents should be stepping up. The narrative on MN is always 'treat your step children like your own and love them like your own' - because that makes the adults in the dynamic feel better about themselves. But here we have a good example of how that's often not what the child wants.

The child wants to be parented by his parents. It would be much healthier if the step mum could take a step back and try and facilitate that to happen. Rather than become the default main parental figure. It's confusing and hurtful for the child and there are no boundaries for the step mum.

This is so typical of what happens to step mums. They're treated as glorified nannies and are expected to be the person who takes responsibility for fixing the broken family unit and making it all better again. Even though (unless they were the OW) it's nothing to do with them and all to do with the poor choices of the parents in the first place.

I am a step mum myself and see it in my own family dynamic. It should have been glaringly obvious to anyone with half a brain that it was a bad idea for my husband and his ex to have a baby, given their circumstances at the time. Yet they went ahead and only two years later, surprise surprise, they split up.

When I came along, I quickly felt the pressure from all sides to step into the 'mum' role and make it all better. Naive as I was at the time, I accepted it as my duty. (MN was not helpful here; every time I posted about how I was feeling, I got torn to shreds for daring to suggest that I wasn't comfortable being cast as a third parent.)

It took me ten years and one horrific bout of post natal depression with my second child to find the strength to say enough. I'm not my step child's mother, nor do I want to be, and most importantly, nor does my step child want me to be. It was convenient for my DH and his ex, that's all. By having me to pick up their slack, neither of them had to confront their own guilt about not being around enough for their child whom they were letting down. It was not my job to shield them from that, but when I pointed it out, they didn't like it!

So I put some cast iron boundaries in place. It ruffled some feathers at first, but I stood firm and everything is now much better - including my relationship with my step child. Not least because I am no longer a seething ball of resentment, stretched to my absolute limit caring for three children while their parents enjoy the advantages of my unpaid labour.

Your DSS is doing you a favour here, OP, he is actually making your argument for you. The question is what will your DH do about it? Because if the answer is nothing, then you will find yourself faced with that old MN classic - 'A DH Problem'.

have said to dad I want to stop doing the school runs but that started an argument between mum and dad about who was going to do it, so was just left as it was.
this is terrible. Dad refuses to either do or arrange the school runs on his time? You've already said he does little parenting on his time. He couldnt be bothered to sort out the child's Christmas list. What does he do for the child? How much cooking? How much washing? How much facilitating of playdates and hobbies? Swimming?

i think @IPreferTheStrawberryOne has it with this: The child wants to be parented by his parents.
having just fallen down the rabbit hole of your previous posts, you absolutely have a dh problem. As does the step child. As does your child. He needs to be a better father and fast.

He’s missing his mum and his dad. You’re doing what you think is best but you can’t compensate for his selfish parents and your kindness is being abused and the result is a lost and confused little boy.

The school run thing is outrageous. They’re too useless and selfish to bother with such basic care and logistics and you presumably had to cart around your newborn to do it because a mum and dad think they’re too important to do it? Do you see how ridiculous that was?

Where do you fit in? Where does your own child? You seem to be bit part players when it comes to your own needs in this “family unit” but you’re doing all the physical and emotional labour.

People are obviously falling over themselves to praise you for taking that approach, only 100% self sacrifice is acceptable when you’re a step mum. But it’s not serving you or your child and it’s also not helping your step son feel settled or secure.

It’s a mistake to put yourself out more than the actual parents do. When you tried to step back from the school run you saw the level of unacceptable expectation there is on you.

Your partner and his ex are taking the absolute piss and it’s not working for anyone but them.

You think you’re part of a team until you try and change the terms of your engagement and you realise you’re unpaid staff. Sad for you, sad for DSS, but a sign things need to change.

@astralpiano @Lenald can you two go and have your argument somewhere else and stop hijacking the OPs post!

I wonder if he thinks that if you weren't around to pick up the childcare and support, then his parents would be forced to get back together

I’d say it’s more likely he’s scared that if the OP and his Dad split up, which in his brain will now be possible because his dad splits up with his partner when they have a child, he has no clue who is going to do all the things the OP does for him.

Children are astute. He’s likely well aware that his she seems to be the only child focussed one of the adults.

What you need to understand is that he isn't rejecting you. He wishes his parents were more like you/the relationship you have with his dad. Like his idea that if they were together they'd argue less. Of course that's complete nonsense, but he doesn't see it that way. Everything you're doing it's showing him how things should be and emphasises the things that are lacking. That's not your fault . Or his.

Keep doing what you are doing, but tell your DH to step up more and be around more. It's great that the child's needs are met by you, but it's still hurtful that it's not his parents doing it. That's what prompts the crying, the wishing etc. That pain and heartache. It really isn't personal. He loves you, and knows you love him.

It sounds so difficult for you both.

We were done. You’re comment ironically is now the continuation 🤣🤣🤣

Well it's all kicked off.

Me and DSS had a chat this morning about everything. He said he feels his dad doesn't want him to be here and said when he goes back to his mum she tells him about all the fun things she has done while he has been with us. I spoke to DH (who's at work) and we have all made a plan that DH and DSS get quality time just the two off us when he is with us. DSS agreed to this and seemed a lot happier.

Then this afternoon he comes to be and asked to go back to mums as he does not want to stay with us.

I called DH and told him DSS is to go back to mums tonight as Its not fair on either me or DSS to stay with me when he doesn't want to, I'm not his parent. Mum has gone mad as she has work and plans for new years eve and has said to tell DSS it's our time to see him so he has to stay. DH is now upset that DSS doesn't want to see him and has had a go at me because it's caused an argument between him and mum.

I've had enough!!!