Dss8 wants to go back to mums.

[Goingforplatinum]

I know I'll get it in the neck for this one but here goes anyway.

I've been in Dss life since he was aged 3 and he has always adored his dad.

4 years after me and his dad got together I git pregnant and Dss told me he was sad because he wanted his mum and dad to be together, I sat with him and had a chat about how that was understandable and natural but they aren't getting back together and that both mum and dad love him immensely.

DD was born and they get on so well and adore each other. I ensure I take DD out regularly on weekend so dad gets 1:1 time with DSS.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us, (never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen). He also on some nights cries really loudly calling for his mum saying he misses her and wants to be with her. Dad or I will normally reassure him but to be honest it's starting to test my patience now.

I have DSD a lot whilst mum and dad work. I treat him exactly like DD we do fun things out and play games if we stay in. He never seems to cry when at nans, or when having a sleep over at aunties and also doesn't cry when we have fun things planned, such as theme parks, cinema, zoos etc, always after we have been to these events. This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum.

Is this normal behaviour? If so how do I handle it?

My partner is a step dad. I wouldn’t have a man anywhere near them like you. My exs partner is a step mum.

that’s what my kids deserve nothing less.

You're right. I was only thinking about it from OP's point of view. I'm honestly a far better person and parent than that usually!

OP, you're being a lovely SM. But the answer lies with the boy's own parents. Can you have a convo with DH and his ex to say how upset the boy is getting? What can they do to help? At the same time, you should reestablish the childcare responsibilities and boundaries.

Every time he says it to you get his dad to tell him again it's never happening. Even at 8 he needs to learn to move on. He can't possibly remember his parents together.

Maybe if his dad told him what it had been like he'd understand his romantic image needed a rework.

I agree with this too. Please ignore the posters who are saying that you need to step back. It's lovely that your dss can speak to you about this - he's only 8, it's still so young. You can't control what his mum and dad do, or how they interact with him, but you can control what you do. And he sounds like a lovely little boy too - you're both lucky to have each other in your lives.

And when he's a teenager, or a grown up, (and still your dd's brother) it will have made all the difference how you treat him now.

You sound so lovely. As a mother whose children use to go and stay with their father and his wife, thank you for being so kind. It’s all we want. It sounds like he really trusts you. Just carry on being you. I do think the parents need to step up. What would happen if you are not around to do the school pick ups?

I'm not sure, I've never not done them.

Op I think it such a wonderful thing that he speaks to you and tell you his feelings. You sound so empathetic, he lucky to have you in your life.

I think you’ve got the nail on the head though about him craving more time with mum and dad. The set up you describe sounds less than ideal. It’s no wonder he’s telling you his worries if you are the person he spends the most time with and you are so kind.

personally I would keep reassuring him that he is loved by all. I try to move the conversation on when he mentioned mum and dad getting together in as kind a way as possible. I think you need a serious conversation with his dad to ask him to take more responsibility for his child’s care and speak to his ex about how they can each manage to get a little more time with him. He quickly hurtling towards teenage years and I think I’d want to do all I can to address his need before he becomes a sad, depressed or angry teen.

Is his dad realising than in only a few years his son will start being out the house with his friends more and in all likely hood will start not wanting to spend time with him. He really is running out of time to sort his relationship out with his child.

You know NOTHING about our family so stop being so nasty about me please

I don’t think you should stop the babysitting - it’s wonderful that you have this role in his life and it sounds like you’ve developed a great blended family dynamic, which is v hard to do.

if you take away the ‘step’ aspect, it sounds like you’ve got a slightly dramatic 8yo on your hands! I have one too, give her an inch of sympathy and she takes a mile. I therefore am very careful about when and how I ask how she’s doing. I would suggest trying a brisk, non-nonsense sort of approach - when he brings it up, have a stock of things to say such as ‘I know, it is sad that they’re not still together, but I’m so pleased we get to be in each other’s lives’. You’ll have to gauge when that’s not appropriate eg if he really is genuinely down and in difficulties, but I have to say, mine really enjoys a bit of navel gazing most of the time and can usually be jollied out of it.

You are a good person and he is lucky to have you.

Perhaps he sees your house as being bigger nicer/comfier/warmer and associates two parents = a bigger more comfortable house. I know my kids went through a stage of wishing our house was as nice as x's. They don't see things that way now. They don't compare but they did.

dont be ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous. You've called me vile!

I actually think that sounds quite normal for an 8 year old.

Have you ever deliberately watched a tear jerker movie, or re read a book with a sad ending? It’s seeking catharsis.

He has found a button to press, where he can express some big feelings in a safe formulaic way, and can feel close and safe with you without betraying his dm.

My dc did similar things (different issues) and frankly it gets boring. It’s the 8 year old version of a toddler wanting to hear the same bedtime story 4 times a night for a year.

I’d let it play out for another while, and hold a firm boundary with him that you are in his life, and you can be ok with him coming to terms with that.

He’ll grow past it eventually.

It’s very, very hard dealing with these funny phases for the first time with a step child. There are some really great resources on child development depending on whether you prefer books/audio/videos/long or short form; but it’s worth reading up a bit.

I would think you could say ‘Oh, what would happen to me and DStep-sibling if Mummy and Daddy got back together?’
I think the problem is his DM and DF not giving as much reassuring attention as an anxious boy needs.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us

He’s testing you to see if you can be pushed away. His parents both farm him out and now you have your DD he’s expecting you will too.

never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen

You have a DP problem. He needs to listen, understand and reassure his child. Not tell him straight.

Another thing that might be having an impact is the family set ups of other children in his class. I broke up with DDs dad whilst pregnant so she's never known any different to our current set up, however around about ages 7-9 years she started asking me alot more about our split, seeing her dad at the weekends etc. It turned out that quite a few of the children in her class were going through separation and divorce and the children had been talking about the contact with the NRP in class, missing their parents etc and she'd sort of realize that our family set up wasn't the same and that some families live together.

You need to tel him they are never getting back together. But you can do this in a positive way. 'Bobby, your Mum and Dad aren't going to live with each other ever again, but that's good thing, because it means I get to spend loads of time with you' then give him a cuddle and make a joke out of it. 'You don't get rid of me that easily Bobby'

Mum has said he's been asking her another recently about the split. Mum told him they both agreed to dad leaving and reassured him that it wasn't because of him, they just didn't get on anymore. She then showed him a video on her phone when he was a baby and they where together which I don't think helped.

What a lucky boy to have such a lovely step mum.

I've no real advice sorry, but my DS cried a lot to come home from his Dads when he was that age. It's a weird age, not little, not old, old enough to have feelings but probably not old enough to understand them. Bless him

SS lives with them so how can it be babysitting?

You sound like a great step mum and he must love you and think you're a person he can talk to.
I wonder if he feels like an inconvenience to his parents - he's with you a lot when at dad's, with grandparents when at mum's, and then his parents argue about who can do school pickups and dropoffs, so you continue doing them and he sees it as his parents not wanting to spend time with him again. That's obviously not what they mean, but he wouldn't know that.
His parents need to show him he's a priority to them.

It might help in the long run though. Baby photos etc are important

This. He obviously loves and trusts you the way he's able to tell you his wants. Unfortunately no parent or step parent can fulfil all a child's wants but you are listening to him amd that's important. Don't beat yourself up about it, sounds like you're doing a great job.

You sound powerless. You said you didn't want to do the school runs any longer, they rowed about it so you're left doing them. That's not a reasonable way to treat you. Of course they will want things to stay the same whilst you're doing the graft. What is your DH's take on all this? Why is he ignoring your needs? You sound like you care deeply for your DSD, but he has parents that should be caring for him and i don't think you're helping him by becoming default parent.