Dss8 wants to go back to mums.

[Goingforplatinum]

I know I'll get it in the neck for this one but here goes anyway.

I've been in Dss life since he was aged 3 and he has always adored his dad.

4 years after me and his dad got together I git pregnant and Dss told me he was sad because he wanted his mum and dad to be together, I sat with him and had a chat about how that was understandable and natural but they aren't getting back together and that both mum and dad love him immensely.

DD was born and they get on so well and adore each other. I ensure I take DD out regularly on weekend so dad gets 1:1 time with DSS.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us, (never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen). He also on some nights cries really loudly calling for his mum saying he misses her and wants to be with her. Dad or I will normally reassure him but to be honest it's starting to test my patience now.

I have DSD a lot whilst mum and dad work. I treat him exactly like DD we do fun things out and play games if we stay in. He never seems to cry when at nans, or when having a sleep over at aunties and also doesn't cry when we have fun things planned, such as theme parks, cinema, zoos etc, always after we have been to these events. This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum.

Is this normal behaviour? If so how do I handle it?

I think this is why I'm so soft on him as I feel really sorry for him. When at dad's he spends most of his time with me, when at mums he is looked after a lot by grandparents. It can't be helped as people have to work, but I do feel that's what he is craving and I don't know what the answer is.

There’s nothing wrong or weak about caring for a vulnerable child who is being neglected by his parents op

I agree with this! It sounds like you're a fab step mum OP keep doing what you're doing, I can't imagine how hard it is but that little boy will love you even if it doesn't feel like it right now

That's a point.

And to echo other PP you sound lovely and very caring OP. It might be time to try and step back just a little though for future relations sake. It's very tricky this stepmum gig!

I think it's great that he feels he can talk to you about this - you're a safe person for him to open up to, and that's wonderful. So it's clear that the environment created is good for him as it's one where he feels he can express himself fully.

As this has been going on so long I'd have a look at the contact schedule and see if it can be made a bit easier for him - are there quite large gaps between seeing his mum?

Thank you everyone for your kind words.
I woke up this morning feeling very deflated, upset and angry.
It's made me look at things in perspective and to just keep going and hope it pays off.

Next time he says it ask him why, what does he think life would be like if they were back together. Address his misconception gently.

If he spends more time with you, doing lovely things and then cries at night perhaps he feels guilty, or feels like he would do those lovely things with both parents as he doesn't realise that you are spearheading and arranging it.

You sound lovely, his parents on the other hand sound a nightmare and that little boy is very fortunate to have you in his life.

you sound lovely OP. If you sit and listen to him and talk through his problems it’s no wonder he feels safe to say these things to you even if you find it hurtful. His dad needs to stop shutting him down and talk to him properly, as often as it takes

It sounds like he wants to spend more time at his mum's or stay overnights at his mum's, would that be possible?

I can see why it happens yeah. Does dad not take annual leave to see his son? Do you work?

It's the school pick up that really gets to me. That you've said you don't want to do it and they've argued about it and then just left it to you anyway.

Mum is RP, but works full time so only really sews him an hour before bed in the week then every other Sat and Sunday, but they normally go to his maternal grandparents for the weekend. I really feel he just wants 1:1 interrupted time with both mum and dad.

I wonder if he thinks that if you weren't around to pick up the childcare and support, then his parents would be forced to get back together?

I think that other posters' suggestion that you are more matter of fact and change the subject every time he brings it up might be the way forward. By crying and being upset, he gets emotional attention.

Keep giving him the attention in other ways. He knows you will always listen to him and care for him.

But his parents need to start dealing with the upset. You should tell DSS you'll talk to Dad and get him to have a chat. Every time. Reinforce the message that chats about his parents are for Dad and Mum, not you.

Maybe as you do lots for him and spend a lot of time with him he’s upset because he wants his mum to do those things? You are performing a mum role and she isn’t. Maybe that’s what he’s craving? Her doing those things not you. He’s very young still and maybe struggling to understand how you are more of a mum than she is and he’s struggling with those emotions? Not meant in any way as a negative to you…. What you are doing is amazing. Maybe he just can’t comprehend how you can give him this time and she can’t and that’s what upsets him. He can’t vocalise it so it comes out as he wants mum?

Are you married? I think for my stepkids when we got married they truly understood their parents would not get back together. The ritual matters to everyone.

I think that at 8 he isn't thinking capable of thinking through the logistics of what it would really mean if his mum and dad were together - so it hasn't occurred to him that if they were together, you wouldn't be there. Or his baby sister. All he is seeing is that when he is with one parent, he misses the other.
And he's saying all this to you because you are behaving like a parent to him, so he feels safe and secure enough to express his fears. He honestly isn't wishing that you weren't there or anything.
His dad is being very dismissive and cba to deal with his child's feelings and that isn't fair.
A poster upthread suggested counselling to help him come to terms snd that is a good idea.

I know other posters are saying to step back a bit, but I wouldn't - this child needs you. But I would make my dh step up more. You shouldn't have to make him but he needs to make more time for his boy and stop relying on you to fix everything and not help you.

I would also add that anxious kids get quite fraught when their routine changes or when doing things that are extra emotional, so Christmas and big days out are a flashpoint for tears and stress. Loads of adults have a cry and get overwrought at this time, so not surprising a child does. And of course he is aware that mum isn't there too.

Honestly, I'd keep parenting him because he needs you. But his dad is failing him here and that needs sorting.

Yes I imagine it's tricky

My youngest DSD used to do this to both my DH and her Mum, when she was at the opposite house. We did explain they weren't to together any more and pointed out the positives of the situation. Now they have two houses and two bedrooms, 4 parents that love them not just two etc etc. it did seem to make it easier for them to process. It happens far less frequently now but occasionally if we've had a particularly special time or she's super tired.
You sound so understanding, patient and selfless, you're doing a great job and it's normal to feel as deflated as you do when you're not 'heard' by DH and it all gets a bit much. If you can take a little time for yourself! Perhaps DH a spending time with DD and DSS at the weekend so you get a chance to relax too xxx

@Gazelda i don’t think discouraging a child from showing his emotions and withdrawing emotional attention can be a good thing????

honestly I’m horrified by some of these responses

this is a young child whos emotional needs are clearly being neglected - that is the fault of the parents - but the answer is not just to train the poor child to repress his trauma and emotions.

the op clearly - and admirably - wants to support the child whilst recognizing therenisnonlybso Kuching she can do to fill
the void left by his actual parents

It sounds as if your dss perhaps has plenty of unmet needs, which are manifesting in a desire for his parents to get back together. What I mean that is in his little mind, he thinks their being together will solve those needs. Fwiw this probably is not true as you and possibly his maternal GPs seem to be more of a constant than either of his parents… not that I am trying to apportion blame btw… just that it sounds as if his parents are busy and aren’t meeting all his needs.

A lot of children of separated parents secretly have the desire their parents will reunite. What your dss is also seeing is that the woman his dad with doesn’t need to work (or at least not right now, I think?), so if his parents were together, his mum would be the woman, who doesn’t need to work, thus he could spend all this time with his mum.

Much as it is difficult that your dss is talking to you, it is a sign that he trusts you a great deal. I also think counselling would help him. Or preferably some family therapy so that his parents learn how with him how to manage his needs better. Do you speak to his maternal GPs at all?

she isn’t looking after someone else’s child they’ve blended families ffs

No I don't speak to his maternal grandparents. Me and his mum do chat when we see each other, so he does see that we get along.

He doesn't remember his parents being together, so I do feel in his mind he has built up a fantasy of what it would be like as apposed to knowing the reality. He did say once that if they got back together then they wouldn't argue any more.

I have posted a while ago with a similar problem but situation slightly different.
In our case, DP talking to DSD about it really helped. However, in our situation, she is with either of her parents all the time and I only watch her once every so often.
Your DSS may miss the parents and this is how he expressed it.
I feel sad for him and the way his parents treat him. You sound lovely and caring.
Can you reconvene the chat with DP about him needing to spend more time with DSS? DSS is clearly missing both parents and doesn't know how to deal with it.
How often does he stay at yours?

Your problem is ,your having him when his dad is not there
what’s the point in him spending time with u ,contact time is for him to have with dad
your basically babysitting him ,when he should be at a childminders if neither parent can have him .
your not his parent ,stop trying to be .
he’s never going to love you how you want ,so stop making life harder for yourself.
you do sound like a lovely person,but his parents are taking advantage of you ,and I suspect the child is putting it on for your benefit,so stop putting yourself through it

It sounds like you are lovely and kind to him. Children can become fixated with things especially if it brings a but of sympathy. So when you listen and sympathise with him he gets that attention and feels special. I think that it would be useful to have a few phrases up your sleeve to try and deflect his thoughts towards some positives. Children sometimes need it pointing out to them that they are lucky as well. E.g. 'I know if makes you sad but you are lucky that Mummy and Daddy get on and have a good plan for sharing their time with you' and 'I know it makes you a but sad, that's normal but at least it means we get to know each other. I really enjoy spending time with you....what did you want to do today?'

I think you need to advocate for him when you talk to his Dad and tell him that he needs to help his son. He needs to talk to him. He needs to be at the centre of figuring out the best way to make this kid's life easier.

I mean, yes they need to work - as do most - but this -not giving a damn about his feelings, whether that is distress at a fractured family or a toy for Christmas - that isn't a time thing, is it?

They are leaving a lot of this heavy lifting to you because you care about him and you are good at it. If you stepped outside of this dynamic, do you think that they would step up and fill the gap you leave or would their son end up with less care?

If it's the former then they are taking the piss out of you and if it's the latter, they are careless about him. In either case, I think you should be clear sighted with the decisions you make for you and your child because they both treat people poorly and you are the type of person who is eager to please. It's a shitty combination.