Dss8 wants to go back to mums.

[Goingforplatinum]

I know I'll get it in the neck for this one but here goes anyway.

I've been in Dss life since he was aged 3 and he has always adored his dad.

4 years after me and his dad got together I git pregnant and Dss told me he was sad because he wanted his mum and dad to be together, I sat with him and had a chat about how that was understandable and natural but they aren't getting back together and that both mum and dad love him immensely.

DD was born and they get on so well and adore each other. I ensure I take DD out regularly on weekend so dad gets 1:1 time with DSS.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us, (never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen). He also on some nights cries really loudly calling for his mum saying he misses her and wants to be with her. Dad or I will normally reassure him but to be honest it's starting to test my patience now.

I have DSD a lot whilst mum and dad work. I treat him exactly like DD we do fun things out and play games if we stay in. He never seems to cry when at nans, or when having a sleep over at aunties and also doesn't cry when we have fun things planned, such as theme parks, cinema, zoos etc, always after we have been to these events. This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum.

Is this normal behaviour? If so how do I handle it?

I know other posters are saying to step back a bit, but I wouldn't - this child needs you. But I would make my dh step up more. You shouldn't have to make him but he needs to make more time for his boy and stop relying on you to fix everything and not help you.

I completely agree with this

No eight year old should have to censor their feeling for fear of upsetting an adult!!! Awful advice.

this poor boy is unhappy. He needs counselling and reassurance - not to be told to bottle up his feelings because his dad doesn’t want his step mum to be upset.

my dad was very focused on my mums happiness when we were growing up. I remember having a really bad time when I was ten. I was being bullied and cried a lot. My dad told me it was really upsetting my mum so I needed to stop talking about it!

I am still shocked my mums feelings were paramount in his mind.

I’ll get blasted for this but if his mum and dad are split up and his mum works full time and he’s spending some weekends with you he probably just does genuinely miss his Mum. I was that mum when my dd was little - I left her dad when she was 6 months old and I worked full time. She went to her dads every other weekend and I can see now, with hindsight, that I didn’t spend enough time with her. I mean she’s 19 now and we have a great relationship but when I had my second child after a 10 year gap and I became a sahm and stayed with his dad (married 15 years now) I can see that my relationship with dd was very fractured in a way that my relationship with Ds wasn’t. That’s hard to admit and of course some people need to work full time, it’s hard. But from a young child’s perspective they need at least one parent around all the time they’re not at school if their parents aren’t together otherwise they can feel really unstable. It seems like that’s how he’s feeling and in some ways he sees you as his safe place and is expressing that to you. All you can do is keep reassuring him. I think with time you’ll come through it.

I was always told I was a baby and my feelings where stupid when I was young, that's why I always tell DSS if there is anything on his mind he should talk to a grown up and I will never think his feelings are silly.

I suspect as a pp said, having a lovely time with you makes him nostalgic for ‘what could be’ if his parents were together (though tbh it sounds like they wouldn’t do that stuff with him regardless).

I’d address it kindly but firmly - he needs to be able to express his anxiety but also he’s old enough to get the reality.

I’d say something like “I understand why you might think that DSS, but if your mum and dad lived together then I wouldn’t be able to spend time with you and we couldn’t go to the zoo/park/whatever and do so many fun things!”

Encourage him to see the positives in having two families whilst recognising the reality that if his parents were together they’d still be working/distracted and not a happy “Disney” family

perhaps look for some positive blended family films/tv too - Christmas is dreadful for films with the happy nuclear family myth

Yes she is FFS. If dad left her tomorrow she wouldn't get to see that child ever again. They are someone else's child.

And really agree with this.

He is a young child who is upset and needs to feel he can express that.

I suspect he is telling you all that because you are the only person who actually listens to him.
He is trusting you and trusting you with his most private feelings. The ones he doesn’t dare say to his own parents….

You need to remember that it’s likely that in his mind, he is nit attacking you or basically saying ‘it’s your fault’. Rather he is expressing the fact he doesn’t like his parents arguing (see the school run issue!!) and thinks that parents together=no arguing.
Thats not the truth but as you say, he doesn’t remember his parents being together and arguing when he was little. On the other side, I imagine he sees you and his dad getting along (maybe mum and partner too?) so assumes mum and dad together = them getting along too.

I think the best you can do is to carry in talking to him. Don’t indulge in his fantasies of his parents getting back together. But reassure him etc…
As another poster said, I’d also consider counselling. Fir the simple reason that this is the role you have with him just now. And it’s hard and only fair to delegate that to a professional. It will help him deal with things and will give you a break you clearly need.

You don’t know that to be fair. Lots of blended families that split up continue to have step parent relationships.

You're so lovely.

I expect that's part of the issue - mum and dad aren't listening to him but you are and he feels a bit guilty about it? I guess all you can do is encourage dad to spend more time with his son.

And stop doing the school run!

Lots don't.

And it doesn't sound like the "blending" has been fully completed.

Exactly this. When he is with you his dad needs to focus on him

ignore the comments or refer him to your earlier one - nip it in the bud. Eg when he starts.
Tom I’ve told you before they both love you very much. But their marriage didn’t work. Please speak to your mum and dad about this if you want to know more I was t there.

Which is why the amazing and trusting relationship she has build with that child is even more respectable.

Or are you saying that step parents should build close relationship with their step children in case they get divorced?

I think you sound lovely and he is lucky to have you.

Some awful advice on here which is saddening. This little boy is only 8 years old - he sounds like he is having very normal emotions. My little boy is nine and would cry some nights if I wasn’t there to settle him to sleep.

You are putting him first, allowing him to express his emotions and being kind and caring. Just keep doing that - he is lucky to have you in his life.

I think you are an amazing step mum by the way!

No not at all. I think OP sounds fab! I was disagreeing with the comment that "she isn't looking after someone else's child". She is, and she's doing a great job at it imo. But ultimately at the end of the day, this is someone else's child and they need to be stepping up.

You sound like a fantastic stepmum.

Definitely stop doing anything that makes you feel resentment towards the situation as that will only end up projected onto DSS.

At 8 he will 100% not realise the impact of his words and it’s amazing he feels able to talk to you. He will grow out of this and in the long-run you will have a great relationship for it.

I split up from ex-H when DS and DD were 3 and 1. Despite the bad divorce, I thought they were both "fine" for a long time. Saw their dad most weekends. All normal divorced family set up. When DS was 8 he started saying regularly that he wished me and his dad would get back together. By that time his dad was remarried. Both kids loved their stepmother. I think it's just a normal stage of development perhaps. That longing for something they know won't happen but they can't help really wanting: both parents under their roof.

Sounds like you're giving him a lot of love and doing the right things. It will be ok.

I think you are a wonderful step mum and this little fella is incredibly lucky to have you in his life.

I think all kids want their parents back together irrelevant of their age. But not all kids are able to say this out loud as so many parents are at war . I could never have voiced it when growing up, to anyone.

My DH and I are still together, but we moved house when DS was 7 and for the next 4 years he would ask, "can we go home?" and every time it would break our hearts. DS is 17 now and we still live in the house we moved to (we dare not move!) but he doesn't even remember saying it. Not the same as your situation, but I do think your DSS is too young to fully understand about separation or what a wonderful DSM you are.

It is a fact. My husbands children are his and his ex wives children. Made clear by the fact they are ultimately responsible for the decision making. I am a bonus. An extra pair of hands. But they are the ones who are responsible for making sure their children are happy and spending time with them, to get them from school - this can be via me but they are responsible for asking me.

I don't go to parents evenings. I don't pay for their uniform etc. It works perfectly fine. They are not my children but I can still love them as my stepchildren. There is nothing vile about it.

I did ask him once what would happen to me and his sister if his mum and dad got back together. He told me it was okay as he would come and visit us 😁.
He does see us in his future as he told me the other day after I cooked his tea that when he is older and lives by himself, he will invite me to his house and cook me tea ❤

Aw see that's lovely x

Wish my son had a step mum like you, keep doing what you’re doing you clearly enjoy your kids growing up as siblings. At 3 he doesn’t remember his mum and dad together so at 8 he’s idolising this mum and dad life. He’ll grow out of it and when he’s a teenager he’ll remember the loving relationship he has with you

I think he’s gotten himself into a negative pattern of seeking attention through the crying. He cries - you comfort him. He likes the comfort you are giving him. Anticipate when you think he’ll do this and start cuddling him before he does. I think he enjoys the special attention you are giving him.