Dss8 wants to go back to mums.

[Goingforplatinum]

I know I'll get it in the neck for this one but here goes anyway.

I've been in Dss life since he was aged 3 and he has always adored his dad.

4 years after me and his dad got together I git pregnant and Dss told me he was sad because he wanted his mum and dad to be together, I sat with him and had a chat about how that was understandable and natural but they aren't getting back together and that both mum and dad love him immensely.

DD was born and they get on so well and adore each other. I ensure I take DD out regularly on weekend so dad gets 1:1 time with DSS.

However, since that first comment of wanting mum and dad back together, he says it to me now every time he is with us, (never to his dad as dad just tells him straight it's never going to happen). He also on some nights cries really loudly calling for his mum saying he misses her and wants to be with her. Dad or I will normally reassure him but to be honest it's starting to test my patience now.

I have DSD a lot whilst mum and dad work. I treat him exactly like DD we do fun things out and play games if we stay in. He never seems to cry when at nans, or when having a sleep over at aunties and also doesn't cry when we have fun things planned, such as theme parks, cinema, zoos etc, always after we have been to these events. This week he was fine until he had had all his Christmas presents on boxing day, then cried last night for mum.

Is this normal behaviour? If so how do I handle it?

He said he feels his dad doesn't want him to be here

That's understandable if a lot of the time he is working & you are looking after him.

The same surely applies to his mum though if he is often left with her parents whilst she works?

when he goes back to his mum she tells him about all the fun things she has done while he has been with us.

I have absolutely no words for that.

If you weren't there-what would your husband be doing about his contact time this holiday?

I think this needed to happen. Your dh has opted out of the difficult part of parenting and is taking you for granted - everything is fine so long as you do all the work and don't inconvenience him at all!
Things need to change and fast. As much as I think it's right to continue loving and listening to dss, ultimately the parenting needs to be done by him and his lazy arse ex wife!
Poor kid - the only person who seems to want him is the one who isn't even his parent! Your dh needs to tell his ex not to bang on about all the fun she's having while offloading her child into you and your h has to stop making you default carer and step up both as a father and as a husband. Tell him if he's not careful he's going to have two ex wives snd kids he only sees eow!

What a nightmare.

I think DS probably needs to stay where he is for now as it's super short notice and that's the plan but moving forward in the new year they will have to work together to have time with DS and not use you as childcare.

They may well need to look at getting different jobs or flexi time that fit more suitably around DS, as a single parent that's what I've always had to do.

It's a shame youre likely to get it in the neck from your husband when all you've done is look out for his sons best I terest and help out, I suspect you won't have a very pleasant few days now. How he reacts now is likely to tell you alot about him too, if it suddenly becomes all your fault he sees DS less etc.

Op-when does your OH have contact with his son?

What hours does he work that means he's rarely there?

Mum works Mon- Fri 9 - 5 dad does Mon- Fri 7.30 - 4.30, we live half an hour away from mum.

We have DSS Thursday to Monday every other week and half the holidays. Mum and dad will take a week off each at Easter and summer hols. So take the 6 weeks he will have a week with mum with use for 4 days then just over a week with maternal grandparents. Then with dad for a week and me for 2 weeks seeing g dad on weekends and evening when he isn't at work, if that makes sense.

I honestly feel like packing a bag and leaving with DD to let mum and dad just sort it between themselves however that then leaves a vulnerable 8 year old that will just then be pushed from one person to another.

I don't blame you.

It's time for a family chat - DSS, DH and ex. Maybe you there so you can encourage DSS to say what he's been telling you and to avoid the parents nominating you to pick up more than you're happy to do. Let DSS know that you care for him and will look after him but that his 3 parents are the ones who are responsible for him.

Honestly OP if I were you I would be thinking of the poor little boy. I couldn’t leave him knowing that was the situation. It’s crap. And it’s not fair. But he is vulnerable.

whatever happens I would just keep saying really clearly that he isn’t doing anything wrong and you are his step mum which is different to his mum but you still love him very much

yiur husband sounds like horrible. I am sorry

short term pain for long term gain though.

Honestly OP if I were you I would be thinking of the poor little boy.

That's what his parents rely on though & how it has got to this stage.

What happened before you did so much childcare Op?

They need to look at going back to that!

I'd be concerned that you're being used and your relationship isn't going to last. Then this child will lose the one stable adult who is really parenting them.

It is appalling that his own parents can't work out school runs.

@diddl indont think that his parents would be stepping up if op wasn’t there. Okay fine they’d organise the actual schools drop offs. But I don’t think they’d be providing the emotional support he needs regardless of what the op does.

In that case, as its normal office hours instead of shifts which are more tricky he'll have to go to a childminder or a Nursery that does school pick ups which is what I did, they stayed open until 6:30 pm. Unfortunately it means DSS just ends up with other adults looking after him but it's what they would have to do if you went back to work (I'm assuming you are a SAHM to your DD).

Unfortunately it means DSS just ends up with other adults looking after him

If he really doesn't want to be with OP then it might not matter too much who else he is with!

Unfortunately less time with Op wouldn't give him more time with his parents.

@diddl oh, I know. I think actually he might be better off in a group setting with unrelated adults looking after him instead of Ops home as it won't have that connection to his parents splitting up.

Yes & other kids there as well.

It's easy to see how Op has got into the habit of school runs rather than paid childcare.

But if the mum is half an hour away I wonder how far the school is?

I’m coming at this as someone who grew up with step parents. You sound absolutely lovely, he’s so lucky to have you. He’s also totally entitled to be sad his parents don’t love each other. Doesn’t mean he’s ungrateful or anything like that. He’s very young, grown adults get upset that their parents are divorced, he’s still a little boy. Good for you for seeking out his Christmas present, I wish I’d had a step parent like you x

Good for you for seeking out his Christmas present,

Yes-really shocking that his parents cba.

What was your husband's excuse Op-that he knew you would boz´ther??

He seems to treat his son so badly.

Or it might be the catalyst for them to get their act together

Oh wow. You sound like the only sensible, empathetic adult in his life.

Can you have a proper chat with DH when DSS is not there and agree some changes?

It sounds like DH needs even more 1:1 time with him and some proper chats, proper listening, possibly counselling.

Is it possible that his mother is laying on guilt or saying negative things about dad leaving and that is why he’s struggling?

I don’t understand why she tells him all the fun things she did without him when he comes back from his dad’s. Why would anyone do that? Why does she only see him for an hour before bed if she works 9-5? Does she have a huge commute? Why is she working on NYE if it’s a Sat?

How long have you been doing all the school runs and other cover? Is that going to change if your work situation changes? It’s really lame that they are arguing about care of their son. What would they do if you weren’t around?

Oh, also, why is he spending EOWeekend at his GPs? Does his mum go with him? Does she not do any of the ‘fun’ things she tells him about when he IS with her?

I’m not focusing just on the mum - I think both parents sound wanting. Just trying to work out what dynamics might be at work.

Why is she working on NYE if it’s a Sat?

I think that she has plans for NYE which is surely acceptable if it's his dad's time with him?

You’re right. I re-read and it says plans and that it is Dad’s weekend. I was assuming it was mum’s weekend coming up, as he’s with Dad now.

45 min commute, sp by the time she has picked him up and got home it's around 6.15, bed at half 7. She does go with him to grandparents on a weekend. He asks what she has done and she tells him.