Page 19 | H being ridiculous over a bauble

Kikkk · 2022-11-30T21:51:42+00:00

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house. My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one. Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then! I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

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Whichwhatnow · 01/12/2022 16:50

I'm just picturing the look on my 14 year old niece's face if she was informed that her stepmum (DB's wife) was taking her out on a special Xmas trip with her toddler half sister to make unforgettable family memories buying a bauble😆. And DN gets on amazingly with her SM, probably better than with her mum and dad sometimes!

Likewise the look on my sister's 15 year old DSS's face if my mum who he's met a handful of times started acting as 'nana' and buying him special sentimental gifts.

This thread has certainly been illuminating !

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 16:54

Confusion101 · 01/12/2022 16:47

Wouldn't it be nice if you got them sorted? Imagine how included they'd feel and how happy your DH would be with you for including them if you sorted it out rather than constantly saying if HE wants to sort it HE should go buy them! Your are their step mother. Include them.

I wouldn't feel much like doing something just to make my DH happy if he was acting like this. It's not an attitude I would reward.

Choconut · 01/12/2022 16:54

I can't see a 14 year wanting their name on a bauble?! Surely that's something you might do for little kids like 'my first Christmas' not a teenager! Instead why doesn't he take them both somewhere to chose a decoration each to go on the tree themselves? I'm sure they'd rather that then a personalised bauble.

Believeinyou · 01/12/2022 16:56

it's a friggin bauble with babies name on.......

am laughing at suggestion of special bauble ceremony where bauble child wears a crown and all family take photos of them putting sacred bauble on tree - perhaps while the teenage SC have to watch weeping through the window at the injustice

OP genuine question would the SC in question actually want or be bothered by a personalised bauble?

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2022 17:02

I'm with your DH on this. Its not really about the bauble itself, its about your DC being given something 'special' to display at xmas and the DSC who also live in the house being completely passed over. Add onto that the fact that the baubles are given every year to ALL the dc in the family.

Your parents obviously do not fully accept your DSC as part of your family. So they don't see them as much. So what. When I was with exDH, he had DC which were then my DSC. We had DC together. If my parents had sent something like that for all the children in the family and excluded the DSC I would of most certainly have told them that it was pretty ignorant thing to do, regardless of their age or how often the see them. They are part of the family now. Full stop.

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 17:09

But surely while your parents might comply with the demand, it wouldn't be a natural outcome from their feelings about the relationship and as such, would be quite a hollow and worthless gesture?

If the DH wants that relationship to happen, he has to do more than complain every year. If there is a closeness lacking which he feels shouldn't be, what is he doing other than making demands of the OP?

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/12/2022 17:10

MelroseGrainger · 01/12/2022 14:57

The argument you’re having isn’t about a bauble: it’s about how his child is seen by you and your family. So YABU if you can’t see this. It’s hurtful for the step child to be left out, no matter how rarely your parents see them. now that your husband has brought it up with you, you’ve chosen to ridicule him for being sensitive about his child’s feelings. And instead of doing the kind thing of either asking your parents to include the step child, or getting them a bauble yourself, you’ve demanded that he just go and get any old bauble himself “if it matters that much to him”.

That’s a horrible unkindness from you. Because it’s not the bauble that matters, it’s him knowing that you and your family accept and care for his child. It’s such a small thing to do, with such huge profound positive inspects for that child, and for your husband, that I can’t quite believe that you’re not being more supportive. So you are being massively unreasonable, obtuse and unkind. It’s Christmas - please take a moment to consider your husband’s feelings, and those of his child and get a bauble for them!

This ⬆

In spades.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 17:14

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 17:09

But surely while your parents might comply with the demand, it wouldn't be a natural outcome from their feelings about the relationship and as such, would be quite a hollow and worthless gesture?

If the DH wants that relationship to happen, he has to do more than complain every year. If there is a closeness lacking which he feels shouldn't be, what is he doing other than making demands of the OP?

This is a very key point. It is what the bauble symbolises. It cannot be achieved by simply asking your parents to buy a bauble for the dsc. It is a gift of the heart and cannot be faked.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 17:15

as such, would be quite a hollow and worthless gesture? sorry I know you may not have been this but I found this amusing given a lot of baubles are hollow

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 17:20

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2022 17:02

I'm with your DH on this. Its not really about the bauble itself, its about your DC being given something 'special' to display at xmas and the DSC who also live in the house being completely passed over. Add onto that the fact that the baubles are given every year to ALL the dc in the family.

Your parents obviously do not fully accept your DSC as part of your family. So they don't see them as much. So what. When I was with exDH, he had DC which were then my DSC. We had DC together. If my parents had sent something like that for all the children in the family and excluded the DSC I would of most certainly have told them that it was pretty ignorant thing to do, regardless of their age or how often the see them. They are part of the family now. Full stop.

They buy for all the children in THEIR family, not OPs. They're often different things when it's a step family. They're not sending "all the children in your house" gifts they are sending "all of our grandchildren" gifts. It doesn't mean they haven't accepted the SC are part of OPs family, they have probably accepted that OP has a complicated family that includes people they'll never really know. If you don't make a point of fostering a relationship between your parents and your SC it's not unnatural for them to assume you're not that bothered about the two sides of your family being connected, much like how your parents may or may not know your DHs parents without it being taken as a comment on whether they accept that they are your in laws.

geraniumsandsunshine · 01/12/2022 17:54

Going against the grain, I don't think it's unreasonable that the grandparents didn't buy a bauble for the step kids. They probably rarely see them and never alone

EpicChaos · 01/12/2022 17:55

stillvicarinatutu · 30/11/2022 22:19

It's not the baubles per se though is it? It's the thought (or lack of) behind only buying some children in the household a personal bauble while leaving the others out very conspicuously.
It's easy saying they won't notice .
They will.
It's the concept that states very clearly they are not part of your family . I'd be hurt by that too . What's a bauble ? A tenner ? Less ? It's favouritism and it's obvious. If you take in a blended family then blend . If you treat half the children differently then if it were me , I'd have a problem with it too. It feels petty and mean . And it's not the same as just your dh going and buying them - it's the sentiment behind it that hurts .

Indeed so! @stillvicarinatutu

It's clearly saying to the SC and indeed the husband, that they are not the same, they are ' others ' and not part of the family, when absolutely they are, they came as part of a package, whether @Kikkk and her parents like it or not.
It would be a different matter had it been baby's first xmas and the bauble was to commemorate that but it isn't, baby didn't warrant one last year, apparently!
If i were one of the GP's, I wouldn't have it said about me that I'd deliberately left children out, even if it meant just buying them one each from the poundshop, that they could put away, collect and keep for future years when they had their own homes and families.

Bafflingpineapplecow · 01/12/2022 18:15

I understand the situation, OP. My parents are thousands of miles away from us, have no language in common with my SDC and due to that have never met one another. My case might be more extreme but if there has been very limited scope for them to get to know each other they wouldn't have even thought about it, not deliberately excluded your SDC out of malice. I'd get a personalised bauble from Etsy or Amazon for your SDC and then hang them all together. I'd like to echo the posters who say you can't force a relationship between your parents and your SDC. It comes naturally and sometimes not at all and that's ok. Most kids are perfectly fine with two sets of GPs and don't need a third

thepenismightier · 01/12/2022 18:19

It's comparable because you have 3 children. His parents appreciate that

That's because the OP's husband does have 3 children. The OP has one child.

whumpthereitis · 01/12/2022 18:30

EpicChaos · 01/12/2022 17:55

Indeed so! @stillvicarinatutu

It's clearly saying to the SC and indeed the husband, that they are not the same, they are ' others ' and not part of the family, when absolutely they are, they came as part of a package, whether @Kikkk and her parents like it or not.
It would be a different matter had it been baby's first xmas and the bauble was to commemorate that but it isn't, baby didn't warrant one last year, apparently!
If i were one of the GP's, I wouldn't have it said about me that I'd deliberately left children out, even if it meant just buying them one each from the poundshop, that they could put away, collect and keep for future years when they had their own homes and families.

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‘whether you like it or not’ - except it’s not really, is it? OP and her parents can absolutely continue as they are, whether you like it or not.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 01/12/2022 18:35

It's clearly saying to the SC and indeed the husband, that they are not the same, they are ' others ' and not part of the family, when absolutely they are, they came as part of a package

Exactly this: your DH is your family, and therefore so are his DC - therefore they all become part of your parents' family. Your parents excluding his children is telling them that they aren't seen as part of the family. Shame on you OP that you support this.

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 18:37

But the OP's parents didn't marry her DH so it's not clear what responsibility they assumed and are failing to attend to.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 01/12/2022 18:37

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 22:05

My parents rarely see my stepchildren and don't know them that well. I don't think there is anything behind them not getting one for them, they just aren't their grandchildren.

I just think if H is so bothered he should just go and buy some himself!

Initially I thought they should have got them one, but with this I actually think its unfair to expect your parents to get them one. They probably feel its not really their place if they don't know them that well.

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 01/12/2022 18:40

GregoryFluff · 01/12/2022 15:29

I've only read up to page 9

I don't think your parents have done anything wrong

In 14 and 11 years respectively, if DH has nothing personalised from his DC on the tree then either

A. Not a sentimental family, haven't been brought up that way and so likely won't give a shiny shit

B. Mum has all of that stuff, from the baubles they made at playgroup, all the xmas decorations they made at school, to xmas crafts they did with grandparents. All hung proudly on her tree and Dad has never previously been bothered enough to ask for any of it, but takes exception now he's effectively being made to look bad

A lot of teens would be mortified to be filmed sticking a glittery, personalised bauble on a tree for the 'making memories' social media, aren't I an an amazing parent, post. Are they generally even there when you put the tree up?

Mountain out of a molehill

MN is so weird about stepmothers!

I'm completely on your side OP, and I'm not a stepmother. I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments of this post - where are all of the sentimental decorations from the past 14/11 years? Or is this suddenly an issue now your parents have done something "wrong"?

Vanderpump · 01/12/2022 18:40

Dear god just go and buy a bloody bauble

mam0918 · 01/12/2022 18:55

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 15:27

@MadameMackenzie oh FFS calm down. Absolutely LOADS of people, both step parents and step children themselves, are perfectly happy and unbothered by the step children not really knowing the step parent's family. It's not an expectation at all for many, many people. My step child never asks or thinks about my family, he probably just thinks of me as an extension of his dad and it never crosses his mind.

Banging on about how "awful" completely normal family life for many people is makes you look ridiculous and, frankly, ignorant.

Exactly.

As I said previously my step dad was my dad, he was my main male role model so treat me as a biological child (his family ARE my family)... my step mam however was JUST my bio fathers partner, perfectly nice but like an aunt at best, I have never met ANY of her family and don't care too at all.

Saying you married into a family is silly, my aunt married my uncle and I know them 2 well but I dont know any of my uncles family... they are my aunts inlaws not mine, I wouldnt expect his parents to treat me like a great niece it would be bloody wierd. People need to stop being so black and white about something thats entirely grey.

mam0918 · 01/12/2022 19:03

I truely believe all the people throwing around 'clearly you have never been a step child because this is so CRUEL' are in fact NOT step children themselves, give pretty much every 'non abused' step child that has posted (myself included) has said their wouldnt give a shiney shit about the bauble (and 'abused' kids would feel the same blended family or not because its the abuse not the bauble).

Quiegal · 01/12/2022 19:34

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 15:48

Or, put another way, the relationship could end up on the rocks because OP becomes fed up with his hypersensitivity and taking offence to ridiculous, minor things like her not personally rushing out to buy them a bauble, instead of saying "oh yeah why don't you get them one". It's not like she's in any way saying she doesn't want them to have one.

There's no reason why it has to be her, or why it's a rejection for her to not do it, but not for him to not do it. I would not put up with that level of looking for problems from him

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If she even loved her DH she would of ordered one for them and surprised him and felt it was unfair they didn't have one in first place. Or suggested they order SC one.

Everyone happy all kids have own personalized bauble.

Like I said doesn't matter what we say it's how she will look to him now but not seeing this as an issue and just think it's okay to put the bauble on tree.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 19:58

I'm technically a stepchild too. In name only. My dad's wife never had a mothering role in my life. I liked her. We got on well together. She gave me dinner when it was her turn to cook. Her name is on all cards and presents. I've no idea if she had any involvement in buying them. I met her mother once. I never received a present from any of her side of the family because they were not my family. My name wasn't on anything given to them. Dad and SM house was not my second house. It wasn't "my other home". It was "dad's house" and I would visit. My home was with my mum. It wasn't complicated. No one was damaged by this.

I dont know what this obsession is about "blending". It sounds more like guilty parents who have started new primary relationships with other people and are desperate to prove that nothing has changed and everything is equal and the first children are 100% part of this new relationship and family. Which isn't true. And it sets a cruel expectation for the children because of course things will be different.

Just look at this board to see how many issues are because of this need to "blend". To make things equal. "DH says we cant take new baby on holiday in term-time without SC." "DC can only get 2 tickets to school play and SM is annoyed." "DH annoyed because first DC didn't get a Christmas bauble from half-sibling's grandparents." It's ridiculous. If a child is upset for not getting a bauble with their name on it from strangers, it is because they have been mislead to expect that they should.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 20:02

Vanderpump · 01/12/2022 18:40

Dear god just go and buy a bloody bauble

A "commiserations my parents didn't get you one so I did" bauble how special.

OP can look at it and remember the awful way her husband behaved.