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Original poster

H being ridiculous over a bauble

529 replies

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 21:51

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

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aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 20:04

@Quiegal No, and that's highly manipulative thinking. "If you really loved me you would always agree with my opinion". This wasn't done out of lack of love, she just doesn't agree that her child having one from her grandparents and their dad buying some for them is an issue, as many of us here don't either.

As for how she will look to him, he's not looking that great to her either. Why do people like you think it's always the step parent that must be constantly afraid of not impressing their partners?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 01/12/2022 20:07

Make your dh the first festive patient getting a fucking bauble removed from his arse in December..

Quiegal · 01/12/2022 20:33

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 20:04

@Quiegal No, and that's highly manipulative thinking. "If you really loved me you would always agree with my opinion". This wasn't done out of lack of love, she just doesn't agree that her child having one from her grandparents and their dad buying some for them is an issue, as many of us here don't either.

As for how she will look to him, he's not looking that great to her either. Why do people like you think it's always the step parent that must be constantly afraid of not impressing their partners?

Put it another way she didn't think to herself the SC will come seeing that and wonder why they didn't have one. Her DH had to say that to her they can't put that on tree

So she could of like said this is for so so from my parents but thought I get SC one so they not left.

It's what she posted and how she comes across like it's not big deal but it's a big deal to her DH.

Like I said it really doesn't matter if you side with the OP or I side with her DH.

It's what her DH now will think of her now. How she come across like all this is all okay.

Like people have said it's a bigger issue to how she happy not to include her SC. If he sees that it's definitely going to cause issues.

Just hope this is resolved because it not that difficult. To be fair they just have to buy the SC one too. If not then her DH won't want it on tree.

MadameMackenzie · 01/12/2022 20:41

@thepenismightier No, she has 3 children, but only gave birth to one! 🙄

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 20:42

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 19:58

I'm technically a stepchild too. In name only. My dad's wife never had a mothering role in my life. I liked her. We got on well together. She gave me dinner when it was her turn to cook. Her name is on all cards and presents. I've no idea if she had any involvement in buying them. I met her mother once. I never received a present from any of her side of the family because they were not my family. My name wasn't on anything given to them. Dad and SM house was not my second house. It wasn't "my other home". It was "dad's house" and I would visit. My home was with my mum. It wasn't complicated. No one was damaged by this.

I dont know what this obsession is about "blending". It sounds more like guilty parents who have started new primary relationships with other people and are desperate to prove that nothing has changed and everything is equal and the first children are 100% part of this new relationship and family. Which isn't true. And it sets a cruel expectation for the children because of course things will be different.

Just look at this board to see how many issues are because of this need to "blend". To make things equal. "DH says we cant take new baby on holiday in term-time without SC." "DC can only get 2 tickets to school play and SM is annoyed." "DH annoyed because first DC didn't get a Christmas bauble from half-sibling's grandparents." It's ridiculous. If a child is upset for not getting a bauble with their name on it from strangers, it is because they have been mislead to expect that they should.

This with fucking bells on !

It's sad because according to this board it's exactly the position many adults are taking and will be teaching their children to expect as such.

Glad I'm not the only step child on here literally despairing at this thread

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 20:42

@Quiegal She's not a kind reader. She didn't know what somebody else did would be an issue for him, and when she realised it was she suggested how he could remedy it. Taking issue with her not guessing and going out of the way to do it herself is petty and nitpicking on your part, and would be from him. She was not the one that bought the bauble, remember. You're berating her for not automatically jumping to the conclusion this is something SHE needs to personally make up for.

And as I said before, if he thinks as you do, he won't be looking very good to her, either. She will look like someone who didn't think him getting some baubles for them is a problem, and he will look like someone who is looking to pick fault in her and her parents for not viewing his children as he does, and emotionally manipulating her due to this unreasonable expectation. He does not come out of it looking better to her than she does in return.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 20:43

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 19:58

I'm technically a stepchild too. In name only. My dad's wife never had a mothering role in my life. I liked her. We got on well together. She gave me dinner when it was her turn to cook. Her name is on all cards and presents. I've no idea if she had any involvement in buying them. I met her mother once. I never received a present from any of her side of the family because they were not my family. My name wasn't on anything given to them. Dad and SM house was not my second house. It wasn't "my other home". It was "dad's house" and I would visit. My home was with my mum. It wasn't complicated. No one was damaged by this.

I dont know what this obsession is about "blending". It sounds more like guilty parents who have started new primary relationships with other people and are desperate to prove that nothing has changed and everything is equal and the first children are 100% part of this new relationship and family. Which isn't true. And it sets a cruel expectation for the children because of course things will be different.

Just look at this board to see how many issues are because of this need to "blend". To make things equal. "DH says we cant take new baby on holiday in term-time without SC." "DC can only get 2 tickets to school play and SM is annoyed." "DH annoyed because first DC didn't get a Christmas bauble from half-sibling's grandparents." It's ridiculous. If a child is upset for not getting a bauble with their name on it from strangers, it is because they have been mislead to expect that they should.

Amen!

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 21:00

MadameMackenzie · 01/12/2022 20:41

@thepenismightier No, she has 3 children, but only gave birth to one! 🙄

I mean I think mum might have something to say about that. I would if my Dd sm said that to me.

On the other side of the coin ifsaid to DSD mum that DSD was one of my children just one I didn't give birth to, she would ask me if I had adopted her without her knowing and likely be pissed off.

Being married to someone doesn't give you parental rights to a child nor does it make you a replacement mum. I expect many mums wouldn't like that suggestion actually.

Let's not play fast with words and sentiments here

UsingChangeofName · 01/12/2022 21:08

my DSC don't have a relationship really with my extended family. But at the same time he never brings them to any family events instead choosing to either come alone if it's their time with their mum or stay home with them if it's their time with us. His choice but don't then throw a tantrum when they aren't seen as family by my family

This is very relevant and might have been helpful if you had put in the OP, or told us all after the first page of replies rather than waiting until P12.
Some posters' answers might well have been different, with this information early in the thread.

allboysmum3 · 01/12/2022 21:27

This is the most ridiculous post. The OP's grandparents bought a gift for their grandchildren. The OPs dad has "dad guilt" and is projecting it by using a bauble of all things. If feels guilty that his kids - yes they are HIS and not hers - do not live with them and are desperate to feel at home there. The truth is... kids generally feel they have one home. The home they spend most of their time in and all of their belongings are. It's not a bad thing. I would of hated to have two homes as a child. Imagine having 2 homes now. You just wouldn't, you would have one home and you visit another.

allboysmum3 · 01/12/2022 21:31

MadameMackenzie · 01/12/2022 15:29

You KNEW you DH had kids already when you married him ffs. Now you're allowing them to be segregated!

Please don't put it on the tree

Are you for real??

thepenismightier · 01/12/2022 21:51

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 21:00

I mean I think mum might have something to say about that. I would if my Dd sm said that to me.

On the other side of the coin ifsaid to DSD mum that DSD was one of my children just one I didn't give birth to, she would ask me if I had adopted her without her knowing and likely be pissed off.

Being married to someone doesn't give you parental rights to a child nor does it make you a replacement mum. I expect many mums wouldn't like that suggestion actually.

Let's not play fast with words and sentiments here

Show quote history

True. Basically everyone is screwed in a "blended family".

roseheartfly · 02/12/2022 03:29

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 22:05

My parents rarely see my stepchildren and don't know them that well. I don't think there is anything behind them not getting one for them, they just aren't their grandchildren.

I just think if H is so bothered he should just go and buy some himself!

@Kikkk but they are your DC's brother and/or Sister?

That counts for everything.

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 05:34

@aSofaNearYou

I totally get she got a nice present from her parents for her DC and should of many been happy.

But in my view his mind just was like you can't put that on the tree because of my DC they will wonder where there is.

A lot of people have focused on grandparents which I get.

But my main focus out of this whole thing and it's starting to seem like a broken record now.

The reaction @Kikkk

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 05:56

@aSofaNearYou

Is the reaction from the DH he automatically thought of his DC seeing that not that he didn't like the gift. Just didn't want them to feel left out.

Then it's the reaction of the OP thinking it's ridiculous.

The second point the OP like they get more presents than our DC. That DC got both parents living together the SDC don't.

I can see all angles but for some reason I feel for her DH he worried about his DC reaction to see that bauble on a tree. They may not even be bothered but maybe he also liked it and wanted one for them too.

OP seems like she just doesn't get it all. As like you when I fully get your point of view.

Does @Kikkk really know her DSC and even care of their feelings.

Like another post about inheritance which is also seeming like OP is selfish and yes no one but a few threads here come across that way. Anyway the DH thought of his DC thinking if they see they been on holiday can't remember was it Disneyland can't remember. But yes it might make them feel left out. Again OP didn't suggest why don't they come it be nice for all kids she just thought it money I got and thought of her own DC.

So for me excluding your DH DC your not really viewing them as part of the family.

I am glad these DH are picking up on this now because it isn't fair.

It really shouldn't be this hard and it always seems once the DW has her DH the DSC are pushed out. They DW get very selfish and to think the DSC won't notice it is actually stupid because they do.

I had enough of this thread just hope this is resolved.

A lot of therapy is needed from all angles in a SF.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 02/12/2022 06:01

Easy to get personalised baubles from places like 'notonthehighstreet'.

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 06:03

That was meant to say once the DW has her own DC with her DH the DSC get pushed out. The DW gets very selfish and it shouldn't be like that. That's why more and more guys are realizing this now sadly.

I said I don't care if it doesn't go down well. Remember you meet a man with DC you not just taking him on his DC are apart of the package otherwise get with a single man who doesn't have any DC it's simple.

EdgeOfACoin · 02/12/2022 06:22

So why does OP's husband decline to take his children to family events on OP's side?

Either he uses that time to connect with his own children on a one-to-one basis (which I completely understand and think is very valuable) or he prioritises building the relationship between his children and their step-grandparents.

I don't think he can repeatedly do the former and then be legitimately upset about the grandparents not giving his children a bauble.

Fraaahnces · 02/12/2022 06:30

Give him some baubles and some sharpies and tell him to do his worst. Even better - GLITTER!

GiltEdges · 02/12/2022 06:30

I agree with your DH.

Regardless of your DSC not being your parents’ GC, they are aware there are 3 children in your household at various points over Christmas and the gesture of a personalised bauble should have been made to all of the children, because it’s a nice thing to do.

The fact that your DH could rectify the situation by going out and buying personalised baubles for the SC himself spectacularly misses the point, because this isn’t really about baubles. It’s about the fact that your DH will still know his other children weren’t thought of by your parents when making the original gesture. So I don’t blame him for saying the one purchased for your DC shouldn’t be displayed either.

crussont · 02/12/2022 06:34

I agree with you.

It's fine for DH to wish your parents had a closer relationship- ask how he wants to achieve that. Then leave it.

autienotnaughty · 02/12/2022 07:01

Suggest to dh that he gets a bauble for his kids ? My dd (dh step kids) have numerous baubles bought over years. Ds has different ones as he's younger.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 02/12/2022 07:42

Fraaahnces · 02/12/2022 06:30

Give him some baubles and some sharpies and tell him to do his worst. Even better - GLITTER!

Not the ........GLITTER......nooooooooo

Wiluli · 02/12/2022 08:45

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 05:56

@aSofaNearYou

Is the reaction from the DH he automatically thought of his DC seeing that not that he didn't like the gift. Just didn't want them to feel left out.

Then it's the reaction of the OP thinking it's ridiculous.

The second point the OP like they get more presents than our DC. That DC got both parents living together the SDC don't.

I can see all angles but for some reason I feel for her DH he worried about his DC reaction to see that bauble on a tree. They may not even be bothered but maybe he also liked it and wanted one for them too.

OP seems like she just doesn't get it all. As like you when I fully get your point of view.

Does @Kikkk really know her DSC and even care of their feelings.

Like another post about inheritance which is also seeming like OP is selfish and yes no one but a few threads here come across that way. Anyway the DH thought of his DC thinking if they see they been on holiday can't remember was it Disneyland can't remember. But yes it might make them feel left out. Again OP didn't suggest why don't they come it be nice for all kids she just thought it money I got and thought of her own DC.

So for me excluding your DH DC your not really viewing them as part of the family.

I am glad these DH are picking up on this now because it isn't fair.

It really shouldn't be this hard and it always seems once the DW has her DH the DSC are pushed out. They DW get very selfish and to think the DSC won't notice it is actually stupid because they do.

I had enough of this thread just hope this is resolved.

A lot of therapy is needed from all angles in a SF.

Just like you I’m already tired of explaining what you once more explained so well .
As a SM to 2 older kids , we have been together 3 years and kids are 16 and 20 And with my partner being a stepdad to my own 20 year old and my 6 year old and dads to our 1 year old I can openly say it requires plannings a few sacrifices and flexibility to have a blended family . But it never , ever crosse smoky mind to nit include my step kids in everything from holidays to gifts . I love them nit only because they are amazing but because they are the most important thing to my partner .
I cannot understand the OP perspective and never will .

aSofaNearYou · 02/12/2022 08:52

@Quiegal he does not need to be concerned about how his DC will feel, because he can very easily just buy some baubles for them himself. What you actually seem to be bothered by, as with the Disney thread, is that the OP didn't specifically go out of her way to personally provide the SC with the solution. That's not "excluding" them, she's happy for them to be included she just wasn't as hypersensitive to this issue as her DH is so suggested he do it rather than leaping out of her seat to do it herself. Bear in mind she isn't even the person who bought the bauble. What you (and her DH) are whinging about is purely her not atoning for her parents perceived sins as if they were her own. How nitpicky do you have to be to be annoyed at your partner for that? Someone else bought her DC a gift, she or him could easily match it for his DC, but you (and he) are mad because "if she loved him" she'd have jumped up to do it. That IS ridiculous. And looking to find fault. And probably, eventually, driving your partner who is just getting on with their life away.

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