Difficult situation, advice needed.

[stepmumnamechange]

This is probably going to be long, I apologise in advance.

I've been with my DP 4 years, I have 3 kids by EH. He was highly abusive, he has no contact with the kids.

DP has 2 kids, DSD12 and DSS8. Different mothers.

We waited over a year to do introductions, all was fine to start, apart from DSS mum, (she is quite a nasty woman, had police involvement due to her attacking DPs elderly mum amongst other things)
She went mental when she found out about me, it wasn't a pleasant time.

DSDs mum was amazing, we really got on well, she was lovely. I gained a really great relationship with DSD too.

Now for the problem.

Last year things took a drastic turn, DSD was here for our weekend, the day before she was due to go home, she made some worrying claims to DP, she told him her step dad was horrible to her, made some claims about him and things he'd done, also made some claims about her mum too.
She asked if she could stay with us, DP said yes and that he would sort it with mum and talk about the claims she had made.
All hell broke loose, it was horrendous, mum took it bad, (as expected, I'd be devastated too)
DP called SS due to the nature of the claims, mum refuted all claims. DP was advised to keep her with us.

The next three months were awful, things were investigated, rightly or wrongly I refused to have anything to do with it, I would comfort DSD when she was upset, but I didn't want any involvement in the situation as I felt it was between mum, DP and DSD.

DSS mum found out and refused to let DSS see DP because of the situation.

DSD started therapy, paid for by us, to help her get through it all.
One day, completely out of the blue, DSD ran back to her mums, we then received a phone call from her therapist, DSD had disclosed to her therapist that she'd made it all up. This was proven to be true by SS, as the days she'd said events happened, step dad proved he was at work, DSD also then admitted to her SW that she had made it up. No reasoning as to why.

Following on, DSD refused to come back to ours, was sending nasty messages to DP and myself, I didn't respond and just blocked her number. As I felt it was nothing to do with me.
Mum started sending abuse then, turns out, DSD started making claims about me, saying I forced her to stay and I was horrible to her. Mum believed it. She came to the house to scream at me, it was just horrible.

Just to add to it all, around 3 months later, DSS mum contacted DP to say that DSS isn't his, she'd had a DNA done to confirm. She admitted to cheating on him all through the marriage. She said DP could no longer see DSS now, as he isn't his.

Finally, all the drama with DSD is still ongoing, she is still being nasty, aiming everything at me. (I haven't spoken to her or mum since it all happened)
Last night she sent a message to DP which said, it's time to choose between me and SM, I don't want anything to do with you whilst your with her, and I'm your only child so think wisely.

DP is heartbroken, absolutely devastated, there aren't any words to describe it to be honest.

I don't know what to do, I told DP I would leave, I don't want to stand in the way of him and his daughter, he's begged me not too. But I just don't know what to do, it's a horrible, awful situation, which just seems to be getting worse.

I'm sorry it's so long, I've tried my best to include everything.

Call them - the police I mean.

She needs help if she is sending them.

Absolutely call the police and ss. She needs consequences and forget all this 'oh she's a poor traumatised little girl, All the sympathy for her poor lamb'.

If the child is sending them she needs to be stopped now before she continues that behaviour past 18 and gets a criminal conviction.

And she yes may be sending them as she learnt the behaviour from her mother. (Speaking from experience.)

If the mother is sending them using her child's phone then she won't want the police involved.

Oh and if they think it is necessary the police will inform SS.

Though due to the shortage of social workers and support workers she may not get any help until other agencies e.g. school, healthcare practitioners report their concerns due to her behaviour continuing.

(Speaking from experience.)

Will I be okay to wait and call the police tomorrow? I just want to calm down a bit and relax for my children's sake.

Unfortunately it's best to do it sooner rather than later. Ring them. Explain you've got your 3 kids with you. Ask what you should do. If you should wait til tomorrow or find child care and they come now. Don't make it your DHs choice. Make your own choice here.

Call them now.

You shouldn't call them when you are calmed down as they need to see the affect of the messages on you all.

Okay, I'm just going to get my daughter to sleep, I'll go outside of the door to give them a call. Thanks everyone

Police op. She is dangerous. Some dc are actually dangerous at a young age.. She is above the age of being made accountable for her vile actions..

I understand that your DH is struggling, any of us would, but he needs to take charge. Ultimately he is the dad. He should go to the police, SS and school with the threatening messages. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

From the outside looking in, this is what I see:
A child who isn’t being parented properly and who is causing chaos, but more importantly, has no boundaries, nor is she able to regulate. She has two parents who are not coparenting. Irrelevant who’s fault it is, if they can’t do it, let the professionals deal with it.

A victim of complex abuse who has 3 children and herself to look after, I can see you’ve got strong boundaries, you’re protecting your children and trying to do your best by everyone.

It’s so complex and heartbreaking, but at the end of the day, there are 2 separate issues, one of which isn’t yours. You’ll also never be able to get away from it as long as you’re still with your DH. And your kids trump your relationship, because they’re small and only have you. They’ve seen enough.

I’d ask your DH to move in with his mum till the house is sold and go your separate ways. It’s just too much.

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP. You sound very caring and a good mum. Agree you should report sooner rather than later for reasons other have stated. I wouldn't feel bad for your DH doing this (calling the police) as you you rightly need to look out for yourself and kids particularly given she has shown time and again just how dangerous she is. Really hope things improve soon.

@stepmumnamechange oh op 😞 I agree the police need involving so there's a record of these things and if nothing else if something does happen they can see the build up and pattern.

DH will want to avoid this but you have to have boundaries in place. Legally speaking she can be held account for her actions due to her age.

She's lucky the sf or are with her mum and dad because had a child not connected to me in the family way acted like this, I would have gone mad.

Whatever you chose to do, trust your instincts and just be Uber kind to yourself xxx

I'm so sorry for you, OP. DSD was like this to an extent although not to the level you're describing. Things are better these days and they do have a good relationship. In hindsight I wish I had stepped back and focused on DS (as you are doing with your kids) and supported DH to detach from it (as you are doing). In hindsight, I pushed him to stay in contact with DSD and keep trying to get to the bottom of things when in fact some distance, and him stepping back and leaving the door open for when she was ready, might have been better.

I've spoken to the police, I feel so awful that I've called the police on a 12 year old

I've spoken to DP, he's fully supportive of me calling the police, he is going to contact them too, as he has the messages, he's left a message for the old SW too.

I don't think it will make things worse, it can't get worse. Her mum is going to flip, but right now, I couldn't care less.

Well done. That was very brave. It's so hard to take that step but someone has to say stop eventually.

OP I sent you a PM earlier about what your DH must do if his ex flips at you more than once.

Imo the dm is goading dsd to this stage. Expecting no repercussions due to her age I imagine..
Big shock approaching both of them and rightly so.
Bet ss will be involved heavily now.

No we don't know whether the mother is involved or not.

Children very easily copy abusive behaviour patterns.

SS won't necessarily get involved with this one report due to the shortage of workers.

You have done the absolute right thing. Something has triggered in your SD probably realising her ultimatum is not working so stepping it up and up. She is a very messed up little girl who needs professional help. SS need to be involved again and hopefully your phone call to the police will trigger it.

And both you and your partner need to take a step back from this situation. I think it's got to the stage where he needs to see her in a contact centre where he is protected. I definitely don't think he should be meeting her tomorrow, she's increasingly becoming more aggressive. If the police don't get in touch with SS he def needs too re establish contact and ask for advice with how to proceed.

You are doing an amazing job of protecting your children and supporting your partner.

As for the long term I think moving if you can would completely transform your relationship and life. It will compartmentalise her in to a geographical area and separate her and the drama from you and your children. Your partner then can make the move to see her and your home will be your haven once more. I know this is easier said than done.

Ive been having a long chat with DP over the phone tonight, I think being away from the house has done me good.

I've told him I want to leave, I want to put the house up for sale, if he doesn't want to move out of area, it will be the end of the relationship. He has agreed and completely understands my reasons. We are going to start looking asap.

Regarding SD, she has messaged DGM, she is going to hers tomorrow, I don't think MIL should be on her own with her, again, DP agrees. He's messaged his brother and SIL, they are now coming down to MILs house tomorrow when SD is there. DP hasn't decided yet whether he will be going, he's absolutely furious, he wants to confront SD, I don't think it's a good idea, but if DP decides to do that, all I can do is support him. I have offered my opinion, which is not to go, but I won't push.

The police are involved and SS will be called once again. I've resigned myself to the fact that this will never end. And that's a shame. But it's out of my control now.

This is indescribably awful. I'm so sorry for everyone involved (apart for the girl and her mother). I'm stunned that stepdad is stlll around to be honest.

I'm so glad you've told the police. I know she's only 12, but this can't go on, and having to flee your home because of her threats demonstrates that this just can't continue as it has.

SDs mum has sent a final message to DGM this morning.

Neither DP nor DGM are allowed to see SD again. They know I called the police and now contact has been stopped. So she won't be going round to DGMs house today. Mum and SD have blocked both DP and DGM numbers now.

DP has called SS and he has also spoken to the police.

So it looks like, for now anyway, that's the end of it for a while. (I hope 🤞🏻)

We will be moving away, DP has arranged a valuation to be done on our house and it will be going on the market after Christmas.

Thank you once again to all who replied.

Neither DP nor DGM are allowed to see SD again.

No wonder she is screwed up. She isn't a possession.

Tell your DP to keep a record of everything in a file for when she is older and likely hunts him down to demand why he stopped seeing her.

Good luck in the future.

Op this is very sad, but I think you and your DP have taken the right approach. I think had they met yesterday, your SD would have continued the drama. She obviously has a number of major issues. I do wonder if your DP might want to obtain court agreed written contact - really as a way of keeping the door open in the future? Even if she resists initially he will be able to show that he didn't walk away which might be very important to a future relationship (however unlikely that seems right now). Wishing you all the best

It's SD that has made that decision.

The last message she sent was she no longer had a dad. She wants her SF to adopt her.

I'd be very shocked if SF wanted too after all that's happened.