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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Too soon?

143 replies

thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:40

I came out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago.
6 months ago I met a man that has changed my life and our relationship has been quite literally perfect from the start.
I have 2 children from previous relationship-1.5 and 2.5.
My new boyfriend has changed the way I see men. He's kind, caring and generous. He knows exactly how to help and deal with my mental health issues because he has experienced similar in the past. We have connected deeply on many different levels, we have amazing sex that keeps getting better. We have had disagreements but we deal with them calmly and constructively and I never doubt his love for me. He's in a steady job that he cares about and has a lot of room for guaranteed progression, he's good with money and forces me to be better with it too. I can't believe my luck sometimes, I found him at the perfect time it seems.
He was introduced to my children pretty quickly- not because I knew he would stick around but because they were young and they wouldn't bat an eyelid to a 'friend' popping around a couple times (at first I wasn't looking for something serious). Should they never see him again, they wouldn't care. But of course as the relationship progressed they spent more and more time together and have formed a real bond. He's very attentive and patient and caring to them, but also fun with lots more energy to play than me. He's embracing the idea of being their step dad.
As I type this I realise my worry is stupid really because it feels right and if I don't trust him to not break their heart then I'll never trust anyone. Of course- im here because I'm worried they're too close, too soon. I'm worried I introduced them too soon, but I know I didn't because they're a part of me and he says he loves me more for watching me be a great mum to them.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them? He definitely adds happiness to their life and that's all I strive for.
I guess I came here for harshly honest opinions (because that's what MN is great for!) but I am still quite fragile so please be constructive with your answers.

OP posts:
VillageCottageEmo · 15/11/2022 00:48

Far too soon. All of it.

There’s a reason why the advice is to stay single after leaving an abuser. You need time to recover, do the Freedom Programme and become more adept at spotting this pricks.

Your DC also need time to recover and recalibrate.

This has disaster written all over it.

VillageCottageEmo · 15/11/2022 00:49

You are being love bombed.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:51

I'm not being love bombed- I know what that feels like. He's not too much or OTT with it . I describe him like that because I'm so in awe of him but he doesn't shove his love on me in this dramatic way. The relationship is healthy and I know that

OP posts:
VillageCottageEmo · 15/11/2022 00:52

thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:51

I'm not being love bombed- I know what that feels like. He's not too much or OTT with it . I describe him like that because I'm so in awe of him but he doesn't shove his love on me in this dramatic way. The relationship is healthy and I know that

I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

You introduced him to your babies immediately, he went along with this.

You have zero boundaries and are talking like a 16 year old with her first boyfriend.

It’s classic.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:53

VillageCottageEmo · 15/11/2022 00:48

Far too soon. All of it.

There’s a reason why the advice is to stay single after leaving an abuser. You need time to recover, do the Freedom Programme and become more adept at spotting this pricks.

Your DC also need time to recover and recalibrate.

This has disaster written all over it.

Thank you for your opinion. He is genuinely not a prick and has only good intentions, we have open conversations about whether it's too much too soon and he's very aware the affect he can have on the children. But I do agree that maybe we could have had time to recover ideally. It just feels as if he's helping us recover, rather than hindering us

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 00:56

@VillageCottageEmo fair enough. It's hard to express over the internet tbf, I'm trying to be emotive to get people to understand where I'm coming from. I can only hope you're wrong because we are on the road now and the only way to get off would be to break up which would be silly to do when I have no doubts about him at all. Thank you for being honest though

OP posts:
VillageCottageEmo · 15/11/2022 00:56

If he was aware, he wouldn’t have met them yet, let alone be playing Step Dad.

VillageCottageEmo · 15/11/2022 00:57

You would be better advised to break up. It’s chaos. You haven’t worked the steps. You haven’t had time to recover and recalibrate.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:01

@VillageCottageEmo not sure what to say because I'm not here to convince you how healthy my relationship is.
We have both been naive, but he is aware. Life cannot always be planned so meticulously. If he hadn't met them, our relationship would be nowhere near as strong as it is now. It would be distant and he would never truly understand me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:05

Now I know for sure that's terrible advice @VillageCottageEmo. Put the kids through another break up- but this one being for absolutely no reason at all? He's never hurt me or them or shown any signs of doing so, all he does is make us happy thus far. Don't assume I would put them through another abusive relationship, this is the opposite to that.
Although I think you're asking questions that are making me sure I've done the right thing. So thank you

OP posts:
JimmySnail · 15/11/2022 01:07

How did you meet him, OP?

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2022 01:07

Far too soon.You're moving very quickly with someone you started a relationship with around 8 weeks after leaving an abusive relationship.

How comfortable are you in your own skin as it seems you've jumped very quickly into another relationship? The fact you're already eyeing up your new boyfriend as a stepfather for your children is a big red flag.

Whether you're ready to hear what many poster will say, make sure you're using reliable contraception in the meantime.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:09

I met him on Hinge. He lives about an 1.5 hours drive from me although I see him 5 times a week

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/11/2022 01:11

I met him on Hinge. He lives about an 1.5 hours drive from me although I see him 5 times a week
In which case it's definitely too intense too soon.

In 24 weeks you've gone from stranger to a very intense relationship with a man who is love bombing, the children have been introduced and you're considering him as a stepfather.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:11

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2022 01:07

Far too soon.You're moving very quickly with someone you started a relationship with around 8 weeks after leaving an abusive relationship.

How comfortable are you in your own skin as it seems you've jumped very quickly into another relationship? The fact you're already eyeing up your new boyfriend as a stepfather for your children is a big red flag.

Whether you're ready to hear what many poster will say, make sure you're using reliable contraception in the meantime.

I'm fairly confident in myself but I definitely feel more comfortable in a relationship, although when we met I wasn't looking for anything serious but it seemed stupid to keep it surface level when we connected so well. How long do you think I should've waited? Do you think I should've let him go in order to wait the acceptable amount of time?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/11/2022 01:15

How long do you think I should've waited? Do you think I should've let him go in order to wait the acceptable amount of time?
There's not a textbook amount of time, but it takes time to heal from an abusive relationship and work on yourself, certainly more than a few weeks.

Unfortunately some men are very good at finding women who have recently left abusive relationships and feel happier in a relationship. They love bomb their new girlfriend, pretend to be Mr Perfect, promise her the moon on a stick, plays the perfect father figure to her children and because the woman is still damaged from previous relationships, she's easily blind to the fact that this sort of behaviour is a big red flag.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:16

@LolaSmiles the thing is he's not love bombing- like I said I've experienced that. I see a therapist who is confident he's healthy for my recovery.
I'm getting a lot of advice based on assumptions that are the opposite of what I've said. I'm looking for people to believe exactly what I'm saying as a competent mother and offer advice or opinions based on the facts. It is a fact that it was very soon compared to the traditional way- but it is not true that I'm being love bombed. You can only take my word for that as you don't know us in real life.

OP posts:
maroonhaze · 15/11/2022 01:17

So how much do you know about this man?
What's his relationship history?
Have you met all his family and friends?
Any kids?
Have you done Claire's/Sarah's Law checks?
How soon into this relationship have you let this stranger into your home and your tiny children's lives. Children that are too young to protect themselves or probably tell you if they are unhappy/worried/at risk.

I'm sorry but you can't know someone well enough yet to know he truly is a good guy.

He might be wonderful and amazing but it's still too soon. You are not recovered, you've just jumped head first into another relationship before you've even had a chance to blink.

Step back, take a breath and if you really don't think there are any red flags here then you need to know that you haven't done enough work to heal.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:19

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2022 01:15

How long do you think I should've waited? Do you think I should've let him go in order to wait the acceptable amount of time?
There's not a textbook amount of time, but it takes time to heal from an abusive relationship and work on yourself, certainly more than a few weeks.

Unfortunately some men are very good at finding women who have recently left abusive relationships and feel happier in a relationship. They love bomb their new girlfriend, pretend to be Mr Perfect, promise her the moon on a stick, plays the perfect father figure to her children and because the woman is still damaged from previous relationships, she's easily blind to the fact that this sort of behaviour is a big red flag.

Agree- he's not promised me anything though and he doesn't play father figure- he's just a big kid and while knowing how to care for young kids. Of course the conversation of 'step dad' has to come up in this situation and he says that doesn't scare him right now.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/11/2022 01:22

Why were you looking for someone so soon after getting out from an abusive relationship

Fentylipgloss · 15/11/2022 01:22

Everyone wants to be treated well and you're so lucky to have a man who is kind, but as a mother, there would be no way I'd introduce my babies to a stranger that quickly. Unless you already know him, which you haven't stated, he could be anyone ...

NurseBernard · 15/11/2022 01:23

What’s Hinge? An online dating site?

Why would you even countenance - let alone look for - a relationship two months after leaving an abusive relationship?

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:26

@maroonhaze I've met his parents twice, they are great people and really welcoming. I've met his friiemds once because it's hard to get a night off, they were lovely as well. I know his full relationship history, which is quite modest. Obviously it goes without saying that I wouldnt have him near my kids if I had even a hint of anything shifty, but I could know him for years and not be aware of something like that. He's from a good, healthy family and it really shows in his attitudes though. I'm 100% confident my children are safe so there's not much more I can do on that front

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/11/2022 01:28

Of course the conversation of 'step dad' has to come up in this situation and he says that doesn't scare him right now.

Whereas to me the idea that 'of course' step dad is a conversation after 6 months and him already being around the children is worrying.

Many people wouldn't have introduced a new partner to their children within 6 months, certainly not someone was a stranger 6 months ago, and who they started seeing so quickly after an abusive relationship ended.

It's difficult OP because objectively from the outside there are a lot of red flags in this thread and posters on here, but you're smitten with this man and things are moving quickly. The difficulty is that you're so smitten with him that you might have a blind spot, which is likely to fuel the concerns poster express about this sort of relationship happening quickly after you've left an abusive relationship.

Original poster
thisisit77 · 15/11/2022 01:29

I was looking for a casual arrangement for when my kids were at their dads or gramdmas. Also, I was lonely and sad and it's nice to get out and meet new people, so exciting things to pick yourself up. I never understood the rule we have put on ourselves that we should be lonely for a certain period after something dreadful happens, that's when we need human connection the most. I'm not saying I was right to introduce the kids so early enough, but I don't think it was wrong of me to go out looking for new people to have fun with

OP posts:
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