Too soon?

[thisisit77]

I came out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago.
6 months ago I met a man that has changed my life and our relationship has been quite literally perfect from the start.
I have 2 children from previous relationship-1.5 and 2.5.
My new boyfriend has changed the way I see men. He's kind, caring and generous. He knows exactly how to help and deal with my mental health issues because he has experienced similar in the past. We have connected deeply on many different levels, we have amazing sex that keeps getting better. We have had disagreements but we deal with them calmly and constructively and I never doubt his love for me. He's in a steady job that he cares about and has a lot of room for guaranteed progression, he's good with money and forces me to be better with it too. I can't believe my luck sometimes, I found him at the perfect time it seems.
He was introduced to my children pretty quickly- not because I knew he would stick around but because they were young and they wouldn't bat an eyelid to a 'friend' popping around a couple times (at first I wasn't looking for something serious). Should they never see him again, they wouldn't care. But of course as the relationship progressed they spent more and more time together and have formed a real bond. He's very attentive and patient and caring to them, but also fun with lots more energy to play than me. He's embracing the idea of being their step dad.
As I type this I realise my worry is stupid really because it feels right and if I don't trust him to not break their heart then I'll never trust anyone. Of course- im here because I'm worried they're too close, too soon. I'm worried I introduced them too soon, but I know I didn't because they're a part of me and he says he loves me more for watching me be a great mum to them.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them? He definitely adds happiness to their life and that's all I strive for.
I guess I came here for harshly honest opinions (because that's what MN is great for!) but I am still quite fragile so please be constructive with your answers.

put your kids first and have fun.

Thats what people are advising her to do. Put the kids first. Don't rush to introduce them into a relationship. Thats not putting the kids first in any way.

What if the people posting are social workers, child therapists, police officers, DA workers.
All people who have extensive experience in working with women and children who have suffered horrendous abuse.

What if we've seen it all before and are speaking from experience? What if our sister, best friend, niece or whatever was in a similar situation.

Paedophile who targets vulnerable woman to get close to her children to sexually abuse them and make CSA content to sell to other offenders.

New partner with a history of domestic abuse. Physical, sexual, financial etc etc

New partner who moved into woman's home after a couple of weeks and punches a small child repeatedly in the face because they wouldn't turn off the TV. Police are altered after they disclose at school.
At least the child in this example is verbal so can tell people what's happening. The OPs children are tiny.

New partner who turns out to have a vicious temper and assaults mum in front of the children.

The partner who turned out to be a drug dealer and whose 'associates' targeted the house he'd moved into with his girlfriend and kids.

The partner who it turns out had a history of coercive and controlling behaviour and gradually stopped his girlfriend from going anywhere without him. When she kicked him out he stalked her and her kids.

These are worst case scenarios and I sincerely hope that the worst this guy is guilty of is an appalling lack of judgment or boundaries but we know what can happen.

All of them have happened recently and in every single case there had been a previous abusive relationship and every single one of those women told people this was different, he's lovely, he really cares about us, he'd never hurt me.

It's heartbreaking and I'm not enjoying saying this, believe me. I would like nothing more for the OP than this to be her happy ending but I'm not naive and I won't encourage her to put herself and her children at this level of risk in case it is. Because, if it really is the amazing relationship they the OP hopes it is then it can weather seeing each other a bit less, not staying over, keeping a distance from the children for a while longer.
If it's too fragile to do that it's another red flag.

It takes time to really learn about someone, how they respond to stress, do they have a temper when tested etc

I don't hate men at all, what a ridiculous and childish thing to say. I don't think every man or woman is an abuser but I do know that the risks are very real and am advising caution.

I would however be very very careful about introducing a new partner into the lives of children.

I'm also not someone suggesting that parents should never have another relationship, that would be awful and cruel.

This though, this is madness.

Do you live under a rock? 2 women per week are murdered by their partners or ex partners.

As for my sources, I’m PhD educated and so knowing what’s a reliable source and what isn’t is my entire life. You seem like you don’t have so much as a GCSE and zero emotional intelligence.

maroonhaze

Very very well said.

Living in a household that is abusive exposes children to Adverse Childhood Experiences. Losing a parent, be it through death or relationship breakdown is also part of ACEs. There's a huge amount of research looking at the importance of early attachment for later development.

If children are going from one abusive relationship straight into another and the children have been allowed to form a bond with a man that a woman has been dating for a few weeks, that's a huge red flag.

There's patterns of behaviour in situations like this and the major one is that some men gravitate to vulnerable women, the woman thinks he is perfect and ideal and just the right man to get her out of a previously bad situation, the children get brought into things too quickly, and the cycle repeats. That relationship often isn't healthy, the children are exposed to more unhealthy behaviour, and when that relationship ends the children quickly find there is yet another man who is 'perfect' and lovely.

Unfortunately the impact of abusive relationships on victims of abuse doesn't end as soon as the relationship is over, which is why cycles of abuse continue to happen.

The fact the OP has even thought she needs to ask whether things are moving too quickly suggests that deep down she has a gut instinct that says some isn't right. She would benefit from stepping out of a relationship right now, remaining friends if she wants to with this man, and focusing on healing herself and her children so the cycle doesn't risk repeating itself

Nonsense, I don't hate men. I do absolute hate abusers. The OP is setting herself up for a fall. She has asked the question "is this too fast?" and the resounding answer has been "yes".

But she will ignore all that advice, blithely trot into another potentially ruinous relationship, supported by people like you shouting "they're only saying it cos they hate men". 🙄

I fell asleep, not read all of the replies yet but the first few are accusing me of lying. So I can't take advice or opinions from people who aren't dealing with the facts. I have no motive to lie to strangers anonymously. Thanks all for the thought provoking replies

@Cafenero35 thank you for not being so dramatic. I did expect this from MN though tbf and the fact that what people have said is mostly wrong has solidified the relationship in my head, so it has definitely had a positive effect.
I'm not upset that people don't agree with me, that was obviously going to happen. I'm upset that people accuse me of lying then base their opinions on their own version of the facts.

@thisisit77 Your qualified therapist told you that your relationship is good for your recovery from abuse? How did they outline that to you?

OP one of my good friends was in a similar situation, everything was perfect, she was not long out a bad marriage then bang, after 7 months he just ended it, no reason given, she was devastated as were the kids. He totally lovebombed her. You’ve went in to this far too quickly after an abusive relationship and with such young children. But it’s done now. I just hope everything does work out for you but maybe try and throw the anchors down a bit.

OP- 8 weeks after breaking up from an abusive relationship you are in another and on dating websites.

Seriously! Took me 5 years with 2 DCS to open my eyes and another year to finally sign up to a dating website and then alot of me backing out.

Now 10 yrs later am with a great guy but - I am might have been on the slow side but you are way way too fast. To put into context, the guy i am with was one of the first people I went on a date with after starting back up, I blew him out on the second date and did not see him for 18 months, that is how emotionally damaged I was after an abusive relationship

@AuntieEntity yeah, he's recovering from ptsd too and really understands how to deal with my panic attacks. He a very calming presence and gives me the space and time if I need it, but also is very present when I need that. He's just patient and understanding which is all I need, also very practically helpful

Your current partner is recovering from PTSD?

Did you post yesterday and have your thread pulled? Similar situation (albeit she's changed). Similar responses given.

If that was you, have a think about why that might be.

That doesn’t mean what you think it means.

@excelledyourself no I didn't post yesterday, would have been intriguing to read though

the fact that what people have said is mostly wrong has solidified the relationship in my head, so it has definitely had a positive effect.

Seriously? Your take from all these posts is that they are wrong?

You need a new therapist. Your entire view is so skewed you don't know what is upside down or the right way anymore. Honestly, please find another.

Its more the abuse i suffered at the hands of my mums now ex partners that makes me cautious.

at 6 months she is convinced she knows all there is to know about him.

deluded by the sex hormones and bowled over by never having been treated with basic decency before.

many men seek out single mums to access children.
They see us as desperate to fob our kids off on anyone and are expert at seeming lovely for long enough to gain trust

I am hardline no step parents as several of my school friends suffered sexual abuse at the hands of ‘step fathers’ their mothers had brought into their home

Six months in after you’d been out an abusive relationship and he’s very involved with the small children? That’s feckless. You didn’t even give yourself chance to get yourself together, as evidenced by this. You should be putting your children first, not your need for a shag. You should at the very least have kept them out of this. Poor kids.

OP: Too soon?

MN: Yes

OP: No it isn’t - and here’s a poster to prove you all wrong

You’re very welcome. Hope it all works out wonderfully for you. Perhaps you could update us in time? Good luck 👍

I could make some ignorant assumptions about you too, I suspect they’d be quite accurate and you definitely wouldn’t like them but I’ll take the higher ground. Have a nice day

You met him 6 months ago and he lives over an hour away!!! You've met his parents / friends once or twice.

How can you possibly think you know him well? You're deluded. You lknow the side he wants to present when he visits and texts you. Nothing else. The rest could be literally anything.

No no no I'm not disagreeing that it's too soon, but I'm saying the reasons I've got to this point. Otherwise where's the discussion

Well we've spent almost everyday of those 6 months together, you can't have so many hours of conversation without getting to know someone really well. But at the same time there's always more to discover which is exciting

Well I sincerely hope your children don’t have to regret your decisions.