Too soon?

[thisisit77]

I came out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago.
6 months ago I met a man that has changed my life and our relationship has been quite literally perfect from the start.
I have 2 children from previous relationship-1.5 and 2.5.
My new boyfriend has changed the way I see men. He's kind, caring and generous. He knows exactly how to help and deal with my mental health issues because he has experienced similar in the past. We have connected deeply on many different levels, we have amazing sex that keeps getting better. We have had disagreements but we deal with them calmly and constructively and I never doubt his love for me. He's in a steady job that he cares about and has a lot of room for guaranteed progression, he's good with money and forces me to be better with it too. I can't believe my luck sometimes, I found him at the perfect time it seems.
He was introduced to my children pretty quickly- not because I knew he would stick around but because they were young and they wouldn't bat an eyelid to a 'friend' popping around a couple times (at first I wasn't looking for something serious). Should they never see him again, they wouldn't care. But of course as the relationship progressed they spent more and more time together and have formed a real bond. He's very attentive and patient and caring to them, but also fun with lots more energy to play than me. He's embracing the idea of being their step dad.
As I type this I realise my worry is stupid really because it feels right and if I don't trust him to not break their heart then I'll never trust anyone. Of course- im here because I'm worried they're too close, too soon. I'm worried I introduced them too soon, but I know I didn't because they're a part of me and he says he loves me more for watching me be a great mum to them.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them? He definitely adds happiness to their life and that's all I strive for.
I guess I came here for harshly honest opinions (because that's what MN is great for!) but I am still quite fragile so please be constructive with your answers.

Let’s be honest, your marriage is working. But that’s down to a big dose of luck. Either of you could be hiding all sorts only 12 weeks in.

Exactly this. You don't know and can't know someone in 12 weeks. Also meeting someone's child after a week of dating is not something to be looked up to. Its irresponsible.

The child in question was 14 months old and could not even talk properly. I would completely agree if he had been older and able to understand but he was just a baby.

The child in question was 14 months old and could not even talk properly. I would completely agree if he had been older and able to understand but he was just a baby.

So he introduced someone he didn't know well to his baby? Thats just as irresponsible. Let's hope you've grown up now and realise its an easy way to put children in danger.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious he had known me for about 6 months prior to that through my daughter but I met his son a week into the relationship. We weren't complete strangers.

So why did he know your daughter through those 6 months? Its irresponsible to introduce children so fast to people you don't know fully. There's enough cases of children being abused by step parents to show that.

I think the issue is, if you were (as an example) a peadophile. Or one of these awful step parents who physically abused their step child. Or even just a not very nice person. Knowing someone 6 months before a relatik who, doesn’t mean you know what they are like in a relationship or would be like with their kids. A non verbal child has much less capability to communicate if there is a problem. Your husband, didn’t know that you were a good person. He believed you were, but it was still early days. You could have hidden anything in 6 months of vaguely knowing him and a week of dating. It’s a massive risk.

A child who isn’t old enough to talk, doesn’t mean it’s ok.

And like I said. I am happy it’s worked out for you. No one can deny that, it has.

However, again there’s another huge difference between you and the Op. You knew him 6 months prior. Op met this man on hinge and has him around her children almost instantly.

Your first post isn’t really anything like the ops situation at all.

I think the issue is, if you were (as an example) a peadophile.

Precisely. Or even just abusive. The fact that adults still cant understand why childrens safety should be before their dating lives in beyond me.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious he was the passenger assistant for my daughter in her taxi. He would look after the children with additional needs while travelling to school.

If you weren't in the car with him, you didn't know him well, you knew his job.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious True but I knew he was police checked which gave me some reassurance.

@RosieRooster83 I think the main issue is that you posted without considering the context.

and the context is important and changes the advice.

Imagine op doesn’t have any kids. 2 months out of a good relationship that Ran it’s course, amicable break up with no ill will. Then starts dating someone, completely falls for them and 6 months and asks if it too quickS most people would say it’s fast, keep your wits about you but have no huge concerns.

another situation that’s similar but completely different is that some posts they are 2 months out of an abusive relationship that’s left them with trauma, starts saying someone and thinking of moving in 6 months later. Advice would be that it’s far too soon and people would be hugely concerned about Op.

The context of each of these examples really influences the posts. Your situation is slightly similar to the Ops but also completely different.

You may not have meant to, but to op your post is encouraging someone who was only 8 weeks out of an abusive relationship to let a man she barely knows act as a step dad to 2 very young vulnerable children who have already had a lot of upheaval and drama this year, who would also struggle (due to age) to communicate or even understand if there is something sinister. 2 children whose emotional well being is out at risk if this relationship simply doesn’t work out, even if he is genuinely wonderful.

and that encouragement is based on the context of your relationship that was entirely different.

Wether people agree with the risk you took or not, it’s in no way similar to the Op. and it worked out due to luck.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them?

No, it isn’t, and no, you haven’t, but it’s interesting that you’re asking the question - why is that?

This thread is ….

You’ve asked yourself - and us - a question.

Too soon?

Why ask? Part of you obviously thinks it is, or you wouldn’t be wondering.

Then, as soon as people agree with you, you go on the defensive.

Because … well, why do you think, OP?

In the first three years children are forming attachment bonds which form the foundation for future relationships, so I believe they are likely to be negatively affected if someone the become attached to suddenly disappears. You are potentially setting then up for confusion and hurt if you need to break it off with this man. This may make it harder to break things off if a problem shows up in your relationship. You can counter this be knowing your children are much better off when you leave an unhealthy relationship than you staying 'for their benefit'. So keep your eyes open for any potential red flags and be determined to leave if they show up.

Even young will be children impacted by their parents splitting and I believe many psychologists recommend parents don't introduce any new love interests for 1-2 years, this allows the children to feel they are of central importance to their parents and helps them feel secure.

No words. 🙄

The fact that you are 100% confident your children are safe is honestly terrifying. He's an unrelated man who you hardly know, and your guard is completely down.

You can take risks when you are single for yourself, but to do it to such young and vulnerable children should be criminal. At the very least do a Claire's law request.

Good. Pity a few others on here haven’t got any

Actually no, it’s rooted in statistical fact.

Protecting yourself and more importantly, your tiny children, by staying single after an abusive relationship is not man hating.

It’s being fucking sensible because all the stats point to another abusive relationship, often worse than the previous one, that ends up with a dead woman.

HTH.

So because you don’t know what a functional relationship with a decent man looks like - and you need to legitimise your own dysfunction - you’re pushing the OP to ignore the red flags?

You’re not here to help because there was zero constructive in anything you said to her.

It’s a thread of people telling her how stupid she is instead of perhaps advising her to take a step back, chill, enjoy his company but just calm down a bit.

link up your statistical source and educate me. I’ll no doubt have a chuckle at the source but hey maybe I’ll learn something

What an awful read this entire thread is. A bunch of man hating amateur psychiatrists projecting their own unhappy relationship onto you.

If you believe advising someone takes time to heal and work through the damage caused by an abusive relationship before rushing straight into another relationship with a man who is apparently wonderful and open to being a step father after 24 is man hating then you have a weird view of the world.

But then you say this:
Follow your instincts, don’t rush to get too serious too quickly, put your kids first and have fun.
This is what people are saying, minus the follow your instincts part because the OP's instincts say that a few weeks after an abusive relationship ends it's a good idea to jump straight into another relationship because by her own admission she wasn't looking for a relationship but prefers being in a relationship and it's gone very intense very quickly.

When women leave abusive relationships their instincts aren't always accurate and they're very vulnerable, which is why time to heal is recommended.

No you wasn’t. Read it back. It was judgemental, mean and unnecessary

That's luck not any kind of tho

... not any kind of thought or judgment.