Too soon?

[thisisit77]

I came out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago.
6 months ago I met a man that has changed my life and our relationship has been quite literally perfect from the start.
I have 2 children from previous relationship-1.5 and 2.5.
My new boyfriend has changed the way I see men. He's kind, caring and generous. He knows exactly how to help and deal with my mental health issues because he has experienced similar in the past. We have connected deeply on many different levels, we have amazing sex that keeps getting better. We have had disagreements but we deal with them calmly and constructively and I never doubt his love for me. He's in a steady job that he cares about and has a lot of room for guaranteed progression, he's good with money and forces me to be better with it too. I can't believe my luck sometimes, I found him at the perfect time it seems.
He was introduced to my children pretty quickly- not because I knew he would stick around but because they were young and they wouldn't bat an eyelid to a 'friend' popping around a couple times (at first I wasn't looking for something serious). Should they never see him again, they wouldn't care. But of course as the relationship progressed they spent more and more time together and have formed a real bond. He's very attentive and patient and caring to them, but also fun with lots more energy to play than me. He's embracing the idea of being their step dad.
As I type this I realise my worry is stupid really because it feels right and if I don't trust him to not break their heart then I'll never trust anyone. Of course- im here because I'm worried they're too close, too soon. I'm worried I introduced them too soon, but I know I didn't because they're a part of me and he says he loves me more for watching me be a great mum to them.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them? He definitely adds happiness to their life and that's all I strive for.
I guess I came here for harshly honest opinions (because that's what MN is great for!) but I am still quite fragile so please be constructive with your answers.

@Cafenero35 yes I was planning to update, everyone might be right but I hope to god they're wrong but we shall see

Well we've spent almost everyday of those 6 months together, you can't have so many hours of conversation without getting to know someone really well.
6 years into marriage I was still learning things about DH and we were friends before dating.

Anyone who thinks they know someone from the internet really well after 6 months, knows they're perfect and such a brilliant person, 100% knows their new partner off the internet is amazing and their children are safe is kidding themselves. I don't care whether it's you, me, any relative or friend of mine. You don't get to know someone really well in the early days of dating. You see the side they want you to see, and that's for any relationship, not just ridiculously intense ones that concerningly start straight after one adult has left an abusive relationship.

And also, you've spent almost every day together for 6 months? So very very intense.

@SomePosters me too. They deserve someone like him, whether it will last I can't say with 100% certainty but he's definitely enriching their lives now and plans to carry on doing so for as long as possible

You know what he's told you. How could you know him better ? Time.

@LolaSmiles yeah it's very intense but in a positive way. We respect each other's space too, I can only hope we do keep learning and growing together

@America12 well I also see how he treats others in his life which is a good reflection of who someone is I think
God his head would grow huge reading this.

Why would you spend every day with someone? Doesn't he work ?

I’m not really sure why you bothered to post here. You’ve already made up your mind that your relationship is wonderful and that introducing your very young children to a man you’ve spoken to over the internet for a while after coming out of an abusive relationship has been a great idea, so what is the point in this thread??

Why are you spending every day together? Don't you both work? Have other friends & family? Hobbies? Interests?

I know someone who sounds like you ... she goes from unsuitable man to unsuitable man, none of them seem to work, just exist in a state of 'intensity' ... leaving a trail of unloved babies (& pets ) behind ... obviously that's an extreme example but it does happen.

I'm just explaining my decisions but the replies have definitely made me think, it's just that they have made me more sure of my relationship, rather than less sure

Oh man, this really upset me, and not because it's true. I'm leaving the thread now. Thanks all

I think it is great that you are so happy

however I would urge you not to commit in anyway in terms of housing, finances, babies or marriage until you have known this man for a good two years

its always wonderful in the beginning, you always see the best side and it’s always amazing

however if you are attracted to abusive men you might be inclined to ignore any red flags simply because you can’t see them

and no I don’t think it’s bad you introduced your children as like you said they are very young. If he is as nice to them as you claim his presence would only add value to their development

I do hope he is the Prince Charming that you have described for all your sakes

Who ? You've met his parents twice and his friends once.
I'm not being harsh but you simply haven't known him long enough to know him yet.

Why have the responses, most of which urge caution, have made you more sure of your relationship

Funny because with everyone of YOUR posts I become less sure about your relationship. I just feel sorry for those wee kids who have no choice but to spend their time between their abusive father and a strange man with a mental health condition and a feckless, selfish mother.

You say that he is helping your kids to recover, but from what are they recovering? They are so young that they were not likely impacted by whatever drama occurred between you and their father.

You may be rushing your relationship along but that is for you to decide.. In terms of your children, they may begin to see this man as a father figure and that may be confusing as they are in the early stages of developing a relationship with their own father.

What harm comes from keeping your love life separate from these very young children a bit longer? At 6 months in, you probably didn't know that your ex was abusive. Six months is not a long time in the process of getting to know someone.

.

You probably don't want to hear this, judging from your previous replies. But getting out of an abusive relationship with two little children, your focus should have been on your two children and yourself. Not looking for a new man, who you immediately introduce to your children.

IF he was a good man, he would have told you he would just see you when you were free. He hasn't and he's there seemingly every day. That is NOT giving you space and is so, so unfair on your children. They have already been through trauma and you are continuing to traumatise them. They will just want their Mum and you're forcing yet another man on them, it's not like they can say "no thanks, I don't want him here".

Doesn't seem like you want to hear it but I hope you read this. Your mind will not have been in the right place getting out of your last relationship so you've latched on to the next thing and continued with your unhealthy need for intensity.

Completely disagree. I thought about what I was doing every step of the way as I had children to think about. I made a judgment call based on my experiences and knowledge of abusive relationships. I knew it wasn't abusive and therefore moved forward. It's not luck at all, we knew what we were doing.

Way too soon., You are being very irresponsible.
If you wantto rush into a relationship fine, but don't involve your kids.
I wish everyone could have worked where l worked for 13 years to see the horrific consequences of introducing another man to very young children too soon. I was so naieve beforehand, it really opened my eyes. None of these men who were charged and convicted of child abuse had previous convictions or acted in a suspicious way, they held down good jobs, perfect family man according to the mother and that is what's so frightening. Parents make the mistake of thinking they would know, they don't.
I would keep things seperate, what's the rush ?
His agenda could be very different to yours.
You tend to find some single women with young kids can be so desperate to be in a relationship they rush into it and overlook a lot of stuff, because they feel they are at a disadvantage, as there's also lot of single women without any kids that could be deemed as more attractive, and there's a certain type of man who will use this to his own advantage.
You know deep down you've made a mistake, you wouldn't be posting on here otherwise.

Your first paragraph just isn't true. Very young child can and do suffer lasting affects from the impact of childhood experiences such as domestic abuse. Even if they weren't the target or focus of the abuse they still experience this. It isn't a passive thing that happens around them.

They need time, love and focus on them to recover. This is the time when their parent needs to be totally tuned in with their needs and doing lots of gentle and nurturing parenting with them.

Do either of you work? Given the geography how are you spending every day of the last 6 months together? Is he supporting you financially given he seems to have moved in?

@PinkSyCo I think what you've said is really unhelpful.
I get that what the OP is saying has clearly frustrated people but this is part of the reason they need time and support to recover from what has happened to them and their children and learn about healthy relationships and boundaries.

Bullying the OP won't have the impact you might hope, she won't suddenly think, oh yeah that person that called me names and told me I was a shitty parent was right. It just entrenches the position already held which is that this guy is amazing and we are all wrong about him.

I hope we are all wrong FWIW, it would make me so happy if the OP came back in 5 years and reported that they are happily together and living a lovely life. Who wouldn't?

If you've been abused as a child and/or adult, all you want is for someone to undo that pain and show you love.
I don't think the OP has done this right at all but I'm not blaming her for not knowing how to.

There are certain people/men in the world who specifically seek our vulnerable women who have recently escaped abusive situations. They also, often, seek out those kind of women who have young children. Its easy pickings because the mothers are desperate for love/approval/connection/affection and a semblance of normality. The children are cannon fodder, used as pawns in a desperate search for the traditional Family. These men are experts at playing the part, being the family man and the Grade A "father figure".
You would be shocked how often these "perfect men" have alterior motives which can be destructive to families and children.

I don't know you well enough to say if he is this kind of man but alarm bells are ringing and you need to be aware of the horrors of the real world before you potentially put your children in a very damaging situation.

If it's too good to be true, it usually is. Open your eyes.

Please don't be confident yoyr kids are 100% safe around him. Mist abuse occurs from step parents/partners. It sounds as though you really want this relationship to work which is worrying. 2 months after escaping an abusive relationship and you're looking for another relationship. You've not given yourself time to grieve and heal.

OP how did the relationship start as "something casual" while the children were with their dad/grandmas, while also seeing him every day for the past 6 months??
Is the abusive ex the children's dad, who has access to them? Are they safe? Or is their dad another guy? Is grandma your mum, and do you have some rl support from her? I hope it all works out for you. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Everyone deserves happiness. You need to be happy on your own first tho 💐