Too soon?

[thisisit77]

I came out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago.
6 months ago I met a man that has changed my life and our relationship has been quite literally perfect from the start.
I have 2 children from previous relationship-1.5 and 2.5.
My new boyfriend has changed the way I see men. He's kind, caring and generous. He knows exactly how to help and deal with my mental health issues because he has experienced similar in the past. We have connected deeply on many different levels, we have amazing sex that keeps getting better. We have had disagreements but we deal with them calmly and constructively and I never doubt his love for me. He's in a steady job that he cares about and has a lot of room for guaranteed progression, he's good with money and forces me to be better with it too. I can't believe my luck sometimes, I found him at the perfect time it seems.
He was introduced to my children pretty quickly- not because I knew he would stick around but because they were young and they wouldn't bat an eyelid to a 'friend' popping around a couple times (at first I wasn't looking for something serious). Should they never see him again, they wouldn't care. But of course as the relationship progressed they spent more and more time together and have formed a real bond. He's very attentive and patient and caring to them, but also fun with lots more energy to play than me. He's embracing the idea of being their step dad.
As I type this I realise my worry is stupid really because it feels right and if I don't trust him to not break their heart then I'll never trust anyone. Of course- im here because I'm worried they're too close, too soon. I'm worried I introduced them too soon, but I know I didn't because they're a part of me and he says he loves me more for watching me be a great mum to them.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them? He definitely adds happiness to their life and that's all I strive for.
I guess I came here for harshly honest opinions (because that's what MN is great for!) but I am still quite fragile so please be constructive with your answers.

@LolaSmiles yep I think you've hit the nail on the head. The red flags mentioned here aren't true though which is nice, maybe someone will mention something and I'll realise that's my blind spot

This is what I struggle with because I always said the exact same as you. Then this happened. Now I'm on here asking if I've done something wrong but only because I would've judged myself, not because anything is actually wrong

Well that's not true is it.

You could keep a stranger away from them until you know him better.
You could date without getting serious.
You could do the checks i mentioned.
You could slow it down so much.

@NurseBernard yes a dating app.
My grandad was with my grandma from 14 until 72 when she died. 2 months later, he was in a new relationship. Because like I said, while you're grieving is no time to be denying yourself of connection with others. What am I waiting for while I resign myself to being alone? Recovery? That's not going to happen for a long time, and definitely not while I'm miserable.

You posted on here in July asking about a dress to wear for a 5th date, then in august asking about what names children usually refer to their stepdads as.

You can kid yourself all you want that everything about this situation is lovely, and normal, but you have two children who quite frankly need their mum to grow up.

@maroonhaze I actually don't know how I could know him much better. I know everything about him and like I said, im 100% confident that my children are safe, that was never in question. You can't be so paranoid in real life about predators, I've done the relevant checks and im happy they are safe. The end.

@decayingmatter I asked for constructive. You're not posting because you care so don't post at all

So are you just going to carry on saying that no advice is constructive unless it's something like 'how wonderful'? Why have you posted?

@decayingmatter everyone but you has been helpful, even if I have disagreed with them.

On every aibu type thread it's only a matter of time before the likes of you come along and accuse OP of being too defensive. Good bye

So he drives 3 hours every night to see you...or is he staying over those 5 nights?

Im going to bet he's going to be moving in soon, then have to give up his job because the commute is too much and then the mask will start to slip.

Yes OP. It is ridiculously too soon. It's too soon for your children even if you hadn't just left an abusive relationship.

You are very naive.

Good luck.

"2 months later, he was in a new relationship. Because like I said, while you're grieving is no time to be denying yourself of connection with others".

That's EXACTLY the time you deny yourself a connection, because your emotions are all over the place and you're terrified of being alone. You sound incredibly naive, and I actually call bullshit on your therapist telling you that a virtual stranger is good for your recovery.

You've largely ignored the very good advice you've been given here, and I've no doubt you'll ignore this. But you're setting your children up for a lifetime of being bounced around different men whilst you choose not to "deny yourself a connection".

I think it's all way to fast, even if your previous relationship wasn't abusive, bringing someone new into your children's lives discussing step-dad possibilities. No way.

Also, I call bullshit on the therapist saying its all good.

Also I actually don't know how I could know him much better. I know everything about him and like I said, im 100% confident that my children are safe been married to dh 10 years, I don't profess to knowing everything about him, although pretty confident I could win a round of mastermind about him. And I'm only confident my son is safe with him, because that's his dad...

But you do you, I wouldn't be happy in his patents position, seeing him with someone with young children that's not long out of a relationship and would be advising him against it.

Why do you need a man to take away your loneliness? Don’t you have friends and/or family? I am really shocked that someone who’s been in an abusive relationship would seek out another relationship so soon, especially someone with such tiny children to think of. I’m sorry but I think you’ve acted immaturely and selfishly, and I’d like to know what you mean when you say that your bf ‘forces’ you to be better with it money?

Definitely get yourself a new therapist. No way would a decent therapist be encouraging any of this.

Google “Limerence” because there is NO doubt that you are in limerence not love.

Can you just open your mind to the possibility that we’re trying to help you and that all of us can’t be wrong? Not ONE single person has told you this is a healthy relationship OP.

You may think you know this guy but you only know what he wants you to see. It takes approximately 2 years to start to see someone as they really are. You don’t want to hear this but you NEED to slow this right down because you’re headed for heartbreak. Your DCs need their mum- you see this guy 5 times per week which just isn’t fair to your DC. They’ve lost their Dad and now their mummy has brought a stranger into their lives pretty much immediately.

Why are you in such a rush to be with someone? What’s wrong with taking some time out to learn to be happy on your own?

Just to give you a positive side - I met my husbands son within a week of dating. We were engaged after 6 weeks and he moved in with me and my daughters 3 months later. Our relationship is like what you describe, I felt it was too good to be true. We are heading up for our 8th wedding anniversary now and still just as happy. Sometimes things do move fast but it doesn't mean it's doomed to fail.

Op, I mean this kindly. But you do not recover from an abusive relationship in weeks. A new man, however wonderful, doesn’t heal the damaged cause by abuse.

The full scale of my abuse didn’t hit me until about 11-12 months later. When normal life has set in and we had a routine and everything was settled.

I believe what you are doing here is distraction. You dated as a distraction. This whirlwind is a distraction. It’s all a distraction so you don’t have to work through what’s happened to you.

Maybe you have a real life fairytale. However, odds are that you don’t. Woman who have recently left and abusive partner are extremely vulnerable to another toxic relationship. Usually, because they believe they have met the man of their dreams.

This IS all too soon. If he is so wonderful he would be willing to wait. He would be willing and happy to date you while taking a step back from the kids. Anyone should be wary of a person that wants to play step parent to children so soon. Being. Step parent should be a well thought out decision, that takes a good long while. It’s a relationship that is built up slowly. It’s really not a case of ‘if I don’t trust him I will never trust anyone’. You don’t need to trust him (right now) to not hurt your children or you. It’s not now or never. The fact that you think that is a huge red flag. Because either you aren’t thinking about this properly or he has made you believe that.

I do wish you the best of luck.

This is not the norm though.
you we’re foolish too but you happened to have a lucky ending.

I’ve got NO doubt that of all the advice OP has been given, THIS is the post she’ll cling on to 🙄

@NotaCoolMum it's all subjective though isn't it as to what is considered 'foolish'. We were both old enough so understand what we wanted and didn't want in a partner and knew it was right. And I too had been a previous abusive relationship but had been on my own for 2 and a half years.

I don't think anyone can sit and say OPs relationship is unhealthy as we don't know either of them and don't know the dynamics. Although I will agree that 8 weeks out of an abusive relationship is far too soon but that is her choice. I personally think a person needs time alone to heal and learn to realise they don't need a partner to be happy.

I think this is great and I am glad it’s worked out for you.

But have you had other relationships that have moved quickly and worked out badly?

Most relationships fail. People usually have more than one romantic relationship. For most people several. I have had 5 relationships, the one I am in is very happy and fairly long term. But 4 out of the 5 failed.

Theres 2 children here who are very vulnerable and been through a lot. And let’s be honest, if you were the Dad and got engaged after 6 weeks and married someone else so quickly, no one would be praising you.

That’s a huge detail you left out. That you weren’t just out of an abusive relationship.

I very much doubt people would be so concerned about Op had she been out of an abusive relationship for 2.5 years.

They probably would have said it was too soon, but not been as concerned she can’t see the woods for the trees.

@Januarcelebration sorry, I was mainly focusing on the speed at which the OPs relationship was progressing as opposed to how long after the abusive relationship.

I have been married before my current husband which was an awful marriage. I suppose that moved fairly quickly but looking back I can see all the red flags for abusive behaviours from him. Unfortunately I was 19 and too naive to recognise them.

That is constructive. Its giving background to how you've rushed into this relationship without even a thought of your children and their safety.

You brought a stranger into your childrens lives after what must have been a tumultuous time for them. No, you don't know everything about him and no, your therapist didn't say it was a healthy relationship for you.
You put yourself first and continue to do so. How about your childrens emotional health? How about time to heal together?
Absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a bit of fun and companionship. Bringing it into your childrens lives after 5 mins because you can't bear to be alone is awful.
And FFS, a baby isn't the perfect addition right now 🙄

But Op could also be sat there in 10 years saying ‘there were red flags. I was just so lonely and vulnerable I didn’t see them’, just like you did with your first husband.

If op said it was moving fast but had been out of the last relationship a long time, I would suggest it was too quick. And in most cases it would be. However, I wouldn’t be as concerned and wouldn’t be overly concerned for Op.

Those few years are needed to decompress.

Let’s be honest, your marriage is working. But that’s down to a big dose of luck. Either of you could be hiding all sorts only 12 weeks in. I do love a nice ending and am very happy it’s worked out for you. Outwardly I am not romantic, but deep down I love hearing a happy ending. But I don’t think we can ignore that people, can his who they are for a long time.

These kids started the year living in an abusive household. There’s been huge amounts of change for them in a short space of time and Op is risking further upset for them.