Too soon?

[thisisit77]

I came out of an abusive relationship 8 months ago.
6 months ago I met a man that has changed my life and our relationship has been quite literally perfect from the start.
I have 2 children from previous relationship-1.5 and 2.5.
My new boyfriend has changed the way I see men. He's kind, caring and generous. He knows exactly how to help and deal with my mental health issues because he has experienced similar in the past. We have connected deeply on many different levels, we have amazing sex that keeps getting better. We have had disagreements but we deal with them calmly and constructively and I never doubt his love for me. He's in a steady job that he cares about and has a lot of room for guaranteed progression, he's good with money and forces me to be better with it too. I can't believe my luck sometimes, I found him at the perfect time it seems.
He was introduced to my children pretty quickly- not because I knew he would stick around but because they were young and they wouldn't bat an eyelid to a 'friend' popping around a couple times (at first I wasn't looking for something serious). Should they never see him again, they wouldn't care. But of course as the relationship progressed they spent more and more time together and have formed a real bond. He's very attentive and patient and caring to them, but also fun with lots more energy to play than me. He's embracing the idea of being their step dad.
As I type this I realise my worry is stupid really because it feels right and if I don't trust him to not break their heart then I'll never trust anyone. Of course- im here because I'm worried they're too close, too soon. I'm worried I introduced them too soon, but I know I didn't because they're a part of me and he says he loves me more for watching me be a great mum to them.

But this post is about them, have I done the right thing for them? He definitely adds happiness to their life and that's all I strive for.
I guess I came here for harshly honest opinions (because that's what MN is great for!) but I am still quite fragile so please be constructive with your answers.

I just feel sorry for those wee kids who have no choice but to spend their time between their abusive father and a strange man with a mental health condition and a feckless, selfish mother.
This is really unfair on the OP.

Like you I feel sorry for the children, but the likelihood is that the OP can't see the wood from the trees because of her experience in (and leaving) an abusive relationship. This thread has probably been rough reading for her.

Speaking more generally, the problem is that abuse leaves a trace and it isn't magically healed when the relationship ends, but it means that any man who seems nice can be elevated to Prince Charming status.

To outsiders looking in on a new intense relationship it's obvious why there's red flags that are worth considering, but to an abuse victim who really wants the next relationship to work often they cannot see the red flags because if they've not taken enough time to heal and learn the patterns that would cause many people to either slow it right down or get the hell out of there.
It's why some children end up with an revolving door of new partners/wannabe step parent figures, often seeing the same unhealthy patterns repeated.

I can relate to this situation. I met my boyfriend on Tinder a few months after leaving my child's father (which, tbh, was over a longgg time before I actually ended it). He met my one year old son when we'd been together around four months, wasn't planned like that, he was helping me move house and I couldn't get childcare. I would describe him exactly how you describe your partner. Now fast forward 15 months and things are still as perfect as ever and him and my son genuinely love each other.

I understand others concerns and if I hadn't been in the situation I would have thought it was rushed too, but truth is there is no 'set' timeline on these kind of things.

If it feels right and you're both happy then continue as you are and see how things go. Don't force anything or any titles like 'step dad' just yet. Of course be more vigilant and aware because of your children and go with the flow

Aside from the relationship starting only 8 weeks after getting out of an abusive relationship, what are the 'red flags'? I personally cannot see any. I think people have been far too harsh with OP. No one knows her or her boyfriend. It could be a very healthy relationship, just done differently to other people. There's no hard and fast rule.

The critical red flag - which is that the OP introduced her kids to someone casual ‘pretty quickly’ (we can only guess what that means), and that at 1.5 and 2.5, they’re going to develop a bond which will be traumatic for them, if this relationship ends. They’re seemingly together all the time, leaving little time for anything else - friends, family, interests, hobbies, or even 1-on-1 time with the DC.

The OP says ‘they won’t bat an eyelid at meeting him’. Not at that age, no. But they will form a bond with someone the OP barely knows, which is why people with good boundaries and judgement and with the wellbeing of their DC top of mind, wait to introduce new partners,

Because the DC do much more than ‘bat an eyelid’ when someone close to them leaves.

There is no way of knowing how this will go. It may well work out. But it may not. And the DCs’ wellbeing should be top priority - not the OP’s wish for something ‘casual’ to take her mind off things, which the DC get dragged into.

The new partner also has PTSD, which I think most people would probably think of as even
more of a reason to delay meeting DC, forming bonds, and putting into a parental role.

These are just the very obvious red flags, aside of course, from embarking on a relationship so soon after ending an abusive one.

If he's the good man you believe him to be then he will not hesitate to slow down and wait for you.

How are you driving for 15 hours a week between you?
What happens to your children?

Actually hon yes that's exactly what you should have done. There are so many red flags here and you just can't see them. I'm sorry but you're clearly not ready and should never have got involved with this man at this point in your life. He might be great but he really might not be, you don't know him well enough to know and your instincts cannot be trusted yet.

I’m clearly in the minority here, OP, but I think you should go for it! If you’re happy then your children will be too, and if your instinct is telling you he’s a keeper, then go for it!

The whole happy parent, happy child is the biggest load of rubbish I ever read on here. It's usually said when parents aren't thinking about their children's needs as a priority.

Very much yes, and unfortunately some people’s ‘instincts’ aren’t to be relied upon at all….

Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one!

The whole happy parent, happy child is the biggest load of rubbish I ever read on here. It's usually said when parents aren't thinking about their children's needs as a priority
I'm inclined to agree.
It's one thing to say 'happy parent, happy child' to refer to parents needing some self care or to address their own issues or mental health struggles in order to be effective and healthy parents, and another thing to justify doing whatever the parent might want as being good for the children.

I've worked with an awful lot of children who've had a revolving door of new partners through their young lives.

Similar story to me. Met someone else whilst u healed from previous abusive relationship. He helped me heal. We’re getting onto 7 years together and married now. The best decision I ever made was giving him a chance, it took me a while to drop my barriers but I’m so glad I did and my children adore him.

Honestly, as soon as you mention step-families on here everyone thinks it's a disaster!

It sounds great that you've met someone who truly makes you happy but I think you should still seek some help to make sure the issues from your past are adequately dealt with. Have your family met him? What do they think? Often our view of someone can be warped when we've experienced abuse so it's good to have opinions from those who care about us as they may spot any red flags you've missed and of course wouldn't allow you to get into another bad relationship.

My DP was in an abusive relationship for 12 years, he was separated for 4 months when we started seeing each other. I must add I've known him since he was 12 although we hadn't seen each other for over 15 years. At first neither of us were looking for anything in particular. DP was wary of women and I assumed he wouldn't want anything serious given that he'd not long ended an abusive relationship. Despite this, we fell for each other pretty quickly and were talking about moving in and getting married after few months. DP has 3 kids and was of course wary of introducing them to anyone new unless he was certain it was going somewhere. I met them after about 4 months, we bought a house after 8 months, have now lived together for over a year and are getting married in 5 weeks.

What I will say is that you both need to be patient and understanding of each other. Coming from an abusive relationship will have left damage. DP used to call me in a panic if he was running 5 mins late and took a while to realise that I wasn't going to verbally abuse him or assault him because there was a bit of traffic. Sometimes he still tries to plead his case in a discussion even when I've agreed with him because he's used to everything he says being disputed. I have damage too from previous relationships but we've always been open and honest with each other about it.

We were the same. We were open and honest about our previous relationships and damage. We actually said "wanna have a bash at undoing each others damage?"

A therapist can only do so much but there's nothing like genuine love and care to make you realise that you are important, worthy and appreciated. Getting with my DP made us both feel valued in a way we'd never felt before and improved both our self-confidence. We both still carry damage but being with someone you can trust and who won't judge you definitely helps. We brought each other happiness neither of us ever thought was possible.

Why do people keep saying you left an abusive relationship 8 weeks ago? Am I wrong in thinking your post stated you left 8 months ago?
You need to be carful on Mumsnet it's full of people with nothing better to do than go on the attack on peoples posts. There's helpful advice and being KIND and giving a gentle opinion and then there's people going in on a witch hunt it's pretty pathetic.
I was in a similar position. Past abusive relationship and I met someone 7 MONTHS LATER! And yes both me and my partner have children from previous. Before meeting him I had 6 months of PRIVATE therapy and I also ordered full police checks on my new partner back then. In the past I had also gone through sexual abuse and domestic abuse awareness courses to fully clue myself up on noticing red flags and unwanted behaviour. 2 years into the relationship we now live together and have a child of our own and everything's going perfectly for now. Don't get me wrong the start of the relationship had me questioning absolutely everything he did when he appeared to be "too good to be true"
All the thoughts of maybe he's trying to groom me. Maybe he's trying to make me feel safe and secure before he starts eating away at my mental health discreetly with sickening intentions. So far 2 years later he hasn't changed. He's still the "ideal" man in my eyes with no faults but that doesn't mean I'll ever completely let my guard down. Honestly any man whether you've been in a relationship 2 months or 10 years can turn into something abusive. You just have to be strong enough to recognise the red flags and get out. Even a sibling who you've known all your life can turn out to be a pedophile and an abuser. No one is completely 100% safe as sad as that is. Anyone that ever enters a relationship is at risk and the children are at risk of losing someone they're bonded with. Unless you stay single for the rest of your life or until they've left home it's always a risk.

This could be a perfect thing and you grow old together and live a happy settled life with the children. Or it might not be. Like I said before married couples that did things "by the book" can fall apart. I say burn the f book and do what you honestly believe is right. The more people tell you "NO" the more you're going to do it anyway. And be careful. There's no timeline for how long it takes people to mentally recover and learn. x

Just come back to this thread and it's so nice to read some positive responses, I'll admit I did let the horrible ones affect me which I shouldn't, after all strangers on the internet don't know me or my situation properly.

In answer to one poster, my family are really excited about him. He's the first man I've ever been with that they are really happy about and starting to really trust.

We actually spoke about this post, he said he understands why people would think he was love bombing from what I wrote.

Yes I left the abusive relationship 8 months ago. I think people more had an issue with the fact I met him 8 weeks after that and introduced the children pretty quickly. You're right about not knowing who is a predator and who is not, but yes, I'm not going to never have a partner/family again because they might be a paedophile. I could introduce the kids after 5 years of being together and still not know if he's dangerous in that way or not.

Yes, I'm getting therapy for the damage my previous abusers have done, that he is actually paying for as I can't afford it myself.

It makes me happy to read the success stories, so glad all of you found happiness.

In my case, a happy parent does make a happy child. When I get down, I struggle to even get out of bed and do the basic care tasks, never mind provide them with emotional care. I'm a crap parent at my lowest I think.

I was one of those children, I don't intend to inflict that on them. It doesn't mean I will pass up an amazing opportunity though