Step Daughter and clothes

[Kat22xx]

Hi all new poster here! Just wanted to first say that my step daughter is nearing 9, I've been in her life since she was 4 & lived with my partner for 3 years. We have her roughly 5 out of 14 nights a fortnight. All in all I think I have a very good & what I believe 'healthy' relationship with my DSD. There have been no major issues, she's a happy little kid, greets me warmly with a hug, we do lots of fun things, she's a part of my family now and hand on heart couldn't wish for a better step daughter.

There is just one little niggle that is driving me and of course my partner completely mad. It's her issues surrounding clothes/getting dressed. She will not wear anything other than joggers & hoodies. She just point blank refuses. Btw I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a 9 year old wearing that, but if we give her say some simple black leggings (a size up as she won't wear anything tight, has to be lose fitting) and a jumper to wear she just point blank refuses. We plan nice activities to do which she loves, such as afternoon tea, theatre, Sunday lunches, and we have some family Christmas parties / meals out coming up too. It would be nice if we could get her out of a tracksuit for these things as in my opinion it looks a little out of place (sorry if that offends anyway that's just how I've been brought up I suppose).

My partner tries to reason with her to find out why as the clothes we give her are nothing fussy whatsoever, but she says it's uncomfy/tight and if he puts his foot down she will be in a huge sulk for ages which then ruins the day. He doesn't know how to handle this anymore. It's got so bad that she still wears socks with her school dress as she won't wear tights either as they're so 'tight'.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this please?

dc are clean, hair brushed, teeth clean, nails clean, deodorant on

Isn’t this basic hygiene anyway, I’d hardly call putting deodorant on & brushing your teeth as making an effort 😳

It is basic hygiene, but going out to places doesn't require 'making an effort' about yourself. It might require a different register of clothes, but that's a different thing. There's no higher requirement of 'making an effort' that's directly related to the body (in the way brushed hair and clean is). What would that even look like?

@ZealAndArdour why is your comfort about imagined perceptions of other people more important than the physical comfort of your step child?

It's all about where you draw the line. I'm sure her pjs are comfiest of all but they aren't acceptable in public no matter how comfy they may be. DH and I are both ND as are both kids. We all have sensory issues with clothes but we are always appropriately dressed. Having sensory issues is not a pass to look like a slob. It does mean searching out different options for clothes. It's important for children to learn that we dress appropriately for events. It's just part of basic parenting.

Discomfort is something we need to learn to tolerate to a certain extent. Everyone does. I may not love the noise on the tube but I want to go to work so I tolerate it. I think it's a mistake to teach children that life should be completely free of discomfort.

I honestly don’t think she was physically comfortable (in adult sized boots too big for her feet and legs, shorts digging in everywhere and a dirty man’s t-shirt with the neck hole hanging off her shoulders).

I think she’s a very exuberant child and was pushing the boundaries - of fashion (😂) or just thought she looked cool and she has pretty disengaged parenting at her other home (her primary carer at her other home is her grandmother) and I think they’ve all given up on parenting and go for the path of least resistance.

I love clothes and fashion and that’s exactly how I express myself. I would happily have treated her to whatever crazy clothes she wanted, but in appropriate sizes and fits for her age.

Thank you for all your replies.

I must admit I'm slightly taken aback by comments such as 'wind your neck in' and 'she's not a doll' simply because I'm trying to get her used to clothes that aren't tracksuits and I wholeheartedly disagree with all those responses.

As far as sensory issues I can't really comment but as far as I'm aware she doesn't display any other symptoms and seems to me like it's just being stubborn and hasn't been told otherwise. I'm not talking about dressing her in skin tight jeans & fussy clothes here...

I will look at other options other than leggings. She wore culotte style trousers with elasticated waists in the summer & stretchy jumpsuits but they're too cold for this time of year. But we personally don't want her to go cold to school in socks (she won't wear the stretchy school trousers either). It all seems OTT to me.

I don't think my partner & I are unreasonable here to wish for a 9 year old to dress slightly smarter for theatre trips & Xmas parties. For us it's basic manners and getting her used to wearing different clothes & what's appropriate & what's not because if she wants to get a job in the future she needs to.

I don't think the "you'll need to do this for a job" argument is a good one. She's 9. She's many years away from getting a job. It's like saying you'd dress a toddler in poor-quality simulation office-wear because that's what the compulsory school uniform is going to be like when they go to school. That's a separate argument from the general idea that some occasions call for a greater formality of dress.

Unless the school has branded trousers, it should be possible to find smart black/navy trousers that aren't stretchy in the way that bothers her (is it that the fabric composition is heavily synthetic?) Something like the trousers she wore in the summer, but made from a thicker material. I agree that she shouldn't be going to school in a skirt and bare legs and socks in the winter, but what has been happening in the previous winters she's been at school? Only part of that is accounted for by lockdowns.

Leave her be. My 9 year old is the same.
There are bigger issues we could face than this. Just leave it.

"But we personally don't want her to go cold to school in socks (she won't wear the stretchy school trousers either). It all seems OTT to me."

Your comments like this are - in my opinion -overstepping your role as step mother. Seriously, back off!

At times like this, be glad you’re the step mum so you don’t have to bother yourself! There’s probably other hills to die on so, in your shoes, I would save your energy for those. (My DSD is the opposite btw - she’d dress bodycon all the time if she had her way! She hates loose stuff, but thankfully is not anyway near as stubborn about it as your DSD sounds)
Btw there’s a preteens board somewhere on mumsnet that might be a good place to post fir more targeted advice.

The dad agrees though so why does she need to back off.

Let the dad deal with it! With the child's mum of a longer term approach is needed.

How about something like this?

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/lined-pull-on-cord-trousers-college-navy-embroidery/sty-g3679-nvy?

They’re similar to what my partners daughter will wear, she’s got sensory issues with clothes too.

Sometimes us stepmums come on here to find ideas/support to share with our partners as dads don’t have such a resource. The OP has given no impression of over-stepping (whatever that means!) so why don’t you back off from judging.

As a step mother why is it a crime to actually be seen to be caring?

'back off' lol honestly this board does crack me up.

🙄 In other words the responses did not go the way you expected. Leave the poor child alone. It is absolutely nothing to do with you what she wears.

This entire board then may as well not exist if that's the opinion of people

Step mums can have an opinion and input too… she hasn’t come across like she’s overstepping and the dad is completely onboard too.

Is it caring though, to want to make your step daughter more uncomfortable than she needs to be? Why? Ok, you think it's important or necessary to dress differently when attending specific events, can you say why it's important for a 9 year old child to do that? And for that to be more important than her comfort and happiness?

Is it caring? Who's interest is this in?

Ah sorry @RoseslnTheHospital Missed your post. I agree with you, who is this for?

Do people still get dressed up for the theatre? I don't anyway! I'd just leave her be. Let he wear what she likes. Teach her to not give a fuck what people think. My parents did this with me. I would only wear 'boys' clothes between the ages of 12 and 14 and they just let me crack on.

@RoseslnTheHospital @Zoomingo If you have any relevant experience why not offer your thoughts to the Op rather than question her like that. Maybe it is doing the wrong thing to try to make her DSD diversify her dress a bit. Maybe it’s the right thing. I don’t know - it’s not an area I’ve got a lot of experience in.
Maybe with some actual perspectives offered rather than just implied criticism she might be able to decide!
One thing I do know is that I support my DP to persuade my DSD to do stuff she doesn’t want to do as I care a lot. It’s a normal aspect of parenting eg to avoid rotted teeth, sleep deprivation, too much crap tv etc. I sure as hell wouldn’t want my dsd to go to school with no socks in winter and if that was a problem, I’d seek to support my DP in rectifying it.
Shame on all the women here who have been so bloody unsupportive/mean/snidely.

We have similar issues for our otherwise neurotypical daughter. No more beautiful dresses and tights in winter.

The compromise is that she wears loose jeans and a smart wool-mix jumper, which is fine for children in restaurants/theatres etc, and smarter than joggers.

and yes, I do think children have to learn that certain clothes are appropriate for certain places. It’s not a moral imperative, it’s just the way society currently works (for better or worse).

@Sellorkeep the OP doesn't have to answer any of those questions, the great thing about an anonymous chat forum is that she is very free to ignore me.

The step daughter wears uniform for school, and her own clothes at home. That's pretty much all anyone should expect from a 9 year old, unless they are attending something like a formal wedding in which case there would be an expectation of something more formal than casual clothes.

If you want to change what she wears, making it a discipline issue and being strict and making her wear clothes she hasn't chosen is going to make the whole thing worse. The best strategy is just to back right off, leave her alone and make no comment as long as her clothes are clean and not old/tatty. Then after a good long period of that, suggest a shopping trip with no pressure to see if there is anything she might like to try that's different to jogger and a hoody.