Step Daughter and clothes

[Kat22xx]

Hi all new poster here! Just wanted to first say that my step daughter is nearing 9, I've been in her life since she was 4 & lived with my partner for 3 years. We have her roughly 5 out of 14 nights a fortnight. All in all I think I have a very good & what I believe 'healthy' relationship with my DSD. There have been no major issues, she's a happy little kid, greets me warmly with a hug, we do lots of fun things, she's a part of my family now and hand on heart couldn't wish for a better step daughter.

There is just one little niggle that is driving me and of course my partner completely mad. It's her issues surrounding clothes/getting dressed. She will not wear anything other than joggers & hoodies. She just point blank refuses. Btw I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a 9 year old wearing that, but if we give her say some simple black leggings (a size up as she won't wear anything tight, has to be lose fitting) and a jumper to wear she just point blank refuses. We plan nice activities to do which she loves, such as afternoon tea, theatre, Sunday lunches, and we have some family Christmas parties / meals out coming up too. It would be nice if we could get her out of a tracksuit for these things as in my opinion it looks a little out of place (sorry if that offends anyway that's just how I've been brought up I suppose).

My partner tries to reason with her to find out why as the clothes we give her are nothing fussy whatsoever, but she says it's uncomfy/tight and if he puts his foot down she will be in a huge sulk for ages which then ruins the day. He doesn't know how to handle this anymore. It's got so bad that she still wears socks with her school dress as she won't wear tights either as they're so 'tight'.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this please?

It sounds like she has sensory issues with tight clothing and fabrics. My ds would only wear cotton and lived mostly in cotton tracksuit bottoms and sweatshirts. Why would you force her into tighter clothes or tights if she plainly feels uncomfortable wearing them.

I don't think smartness matters actually. I'm sure you'd rather she went out feeling comfortable and happy. People wear all sorts out to dinner or the theatre. As long as it's clean and not holey surely that's ok?

Well the OP partner clearly does care what other people think hence trying to bargain with her out of her scruffy stuff when going to nice places.

Highly likely the child has sensory issue and cannot handle tight fitting fabric touching her skin

is she like this at home too?

Besides looking at the obvious sensory issue, my DD10 is the same as in hoodies and trackies but will wear leggings and school tights. It's draining but we went shopping and we're compromising, have got her into combats and nice tshirts with her DMs and even got a soft touch dress to wear with leggings.

I recall her sister (15) being same so am praying it's just a phase.

Why is a pair of joggers and a jumper 'scruffy'. Absolutely bizarre judgement on a child wanting to wear comfortable clothes

Sounds a lot like my DD10 (I suspect ASD for many reasons including this), the things I can get her to wear are jumpsuits, they can look nice but still be loose and comfy. She has a couple of soft skirts she will wear and will only wear opaque tights for school rather then wool ones (took some convincing to try). I get them in small ladies so they are not tight.

Does she wear school uniform, without too many issues? Could a similar skirt/jumper combination in colours she loves work ?

She said hoodie, not jumper.

So a tracksuit.

It’s not bizarre to want your kids to look presentable when going out for a special occasion.

Let her wear what she wants. If you're embarrassed by her not conforming, that's your issue to resolve.

Oh I do apologise 🤣

Why is a hoodie and a pair of joggers scruffy?

What's not presentable about it exactly?

Why should she wear something uncomfortable to sit in the dark at a theatre, play with a bunch of kids at a party, or to eat a meal in.

Its very bizarre that you think a child in clean, comfortable clothes is somehow casting shame on her family.

Just let her be! Wearing joggers and a hoodie isn't hurting anyone.

I just remembered that I went through a phase when I was around 15 where all I wanted to wear was a pair of jeans and a hoodie. I actually attended a wedding once wearing jeans, a "nice" top, a hoodie, and a ridiculous amount of makeup of course... no one cared!

Would you turn up to a restaurant, christening, cocktail bar in a tracksuit?

She is nine. Let her be. Pressuring a young girl to dress in order to please people or to fit in is a terrible thing to do. As long as the clothes are fresh and clean. The girl and her feelings are much more important. Why don't you go out together and buy some hoodies and trackie Bs to wear?

Personally I would go with the approach that she can wear whatever she likes day to day, but she does have to respect more formal dress codes (like the theatre). What about loose fitting dresses/jumpsuits? How is she with them if it's tightness she complains about?

With kindness, I don't think this is an issue for you or her parents.

One of my DC has sensory issues and will only wear joggers and oversized t-shirts. I just make sure they're clean and she's comfortable.

As a PP said, she's not a doll to be dressed up, she's a human.

It's not "dressing like a tramp'

Yes, disabled people.

You've described Dts to a 't'. I can't be arsed to argue, pretty sure they're both not NT. even if they were why should anyone be uncomfortable in what they wear?

Maybe they should stop. Focus on having a conversation with her not judging her on her preference for loose fitting clothes.

I don’t see what a jumper and leggings had over joggers and a hoodie in terms of ‘smartness’. I’d just get her nicer joggers and nicer hoodies for special occasions if that’s what makes her feel comfortable.

’Would you turn up to a restaurant, christening, cocktail bar in a tracksuit?’

No, but I’m not 9. I did absolutely adore the smart joggers trend because it made it ok to wear them to all those events.

As I tell all my daughters, not just the one with ASD - women and girls don’t owe anyone pretty.

Its not that difficult to find smart, sensory friendly clothing these days (compared to even 4 years ago).

Are you wanting to put her in some sort of fuck awful frilly thing and show her off like a dolly? Cos, disabled or not, that’s fucked up.

I have gone to a restaurant and a christening in jean-joggers. So nurgh.

Anyway OP if she does wasnt something different M&S do some great black trousers that feel like joggers and are elasticated but look smarter. I wear them to work as I am fussy with how clothes feel.

This, and also those that just want to be comfy.

If I was 9 with sensory issues I would, yes (not that I would be going to a cocktail bar at the age of 9 just as I'm sure ops step dd doesn't either 🙄).