Step Daughter and clothes

[Kat22xx]

Hi all new poster here! Just wanted to first say that my step daughter is nearing 9, I've been in her life since she was 4 & lived with my partner for 3 years. We have her roughly 5 out of 14 nights a fortnight. All in all I think I have a very good & what I believe 'healthy' relationship with my DSD. There have been no major issues, she's a happy little kid, greets me warmly with a hug, we do lots of fun things, she's a part of my family now and hand on heart couldn't wish for a better step daughter.

There is just one little niggle that is driving me and of course my partner completely mad. It's her issues surrounding clothes/getting dressed. She will not wear anything other than joggers & hoodies. She just point blank refuses. Btw I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a 9 year old wearing that, but if we give her say some simple black leggings (a size up as she won't wear anything tight, has to be lose fitting) and a jumper to wear she just point blank refuses. We plan nice activities to do which she loves, such as afternoon tea, theatre, Sunday lunches, and we have some family Christmas parties / meals out coming up too. It would be nice if we could get her out of a tracksuit for these things as in my opinion it looks a little out of place (sorry if that offends anyway that's just how I've been brought up I suppose).

My partner tries to reason with her to find out why as the clothes we give her are nothing fussy whatsoever, but she says it's uncomfy/tight and if he puts his foot down she will be in a huge sulk for ages which then ruins the day. He doesn't know how to handle this anymore. It's got so bad that she still wears socks with her school dress as she won't wear tights either as they're so 'tight'.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this please?

My daughter has sensory needs associated with likely autism. She won’t wear leggings - too tight, tights, dresses, skirts etc. She wears soft joggers, loose top with no wrists, hoodies etc. when she was in school ( home Ed now), she couldn’t manage the polo tops and wore t shirts and sweatshirts, with joggers.

When she was younger and before we understood we had loads of meltdowns; we let her choose now.

For smarter wear, we have recently discovered H and M boys cargo cords which are very soft. She wears them baggy with a fatface long sleeve top. Still soft and casual but a bit smarter than joggers.

I would leave her be.

Well OP has to take her out and about places, and most strangers will assume she’s her mother, and the appropriateness of the clothes she’s wearing for the event will reflect on her.

My ex’s 8yo child would get sent to us wearing a men’s 2xl t-shirt (think Marvel/Rick & Morty - belonging to a male relative and probably pinched out of the laundry basket), denim shorts two sizes too small and cutting in everywhere, and a pair of pleather knee high slouch boots of her grandmas - far too big for her. But they’d allow it because “it’s what she wanted to wear”.

Forgive me for being rather uncomfortable taking this inappropriately dressed child out with me and everyone thinking I’m her mother who has put effort into turning myself out immaculately, but left my daughter to wander around like that.

Is this really a battle worth having?

my DD is going through an oversize clothes stage (baggy jeans or joggers with oversized hoodies / tees). No sensory issues she just wants to wear what she wants to wear! (Tbf she’s picking her clothes since she wa about 3)

I’m clearly not talking about disabled people.

The OP hasn’t even said the dsd has sensory issues. Everyone’s just self diagnosing it as that.

My daughter is NT and Iv had the same conversations with her. Not everyone has a disability, some kids are just fussy.

My own mother was very exercised about what I was prepared to wear.

Seems a shame to waste so much effort rather than just let a child wear whatever they want. If it's clean and not smelly, why does it matter?

DS14 won't wear anything other than joggers and hoodies. They are what's "in fashion" at the minute.

He has "scruffy" tracksuits for kicking about in, going out with his mates and a couple of fancier/designer branded ones that he wears if we were say going for a meal.

Ditto matching footwear.

As another poster says, girls don't owe anyone pretty and I'm betting if you'd posted about a step son you'd have got some different responses.

As long as the clothes are clean, comfortable, and not tatty, and unless she's being refused entry to theatres, afternoon teas, and family gatherings, I don't see the issue.

She's 9. She'll come under enough pressure in years to come, sadly. Hopefully she'll continue to stand up for herself.

If it's sensory, then forcing it is cruel. If it's just who she is, then good on her.

Some adults are fussy. So what. Tbh OP I'd just be grateful it's not the weird scrunch bum leggings.

Try cuffless joggers and tunic style tops I have three with different types of sensory disorders my youngest looks like he is dragged through a charity shop and grabbed what he could eldest is all skinny jeans and hoodie (she will force herself for special occasions though) and the middle one is incredibly smart in his school uniform but out of it is joggers and baggy tshirts

All three are autistic

Hardly any and it’s only a certain type of people that do.

What "type" is that then?

Some of the scruffiest people I know are the most well off.

Poor kid. I'd tell you to wind your neck in if I saw you were moaning about my child's clothing choices on a parenting website read by millions.

As long as they aren't cold what's the issue.

I'm proud of my DSDs I don't give a shit what they wear. As long as they are happy and warm.

Are you really calling a 9 year old wearing a tracksuit a tramp?

Op, let her wear what she likes. She's not a doll for you to dress up.

Really don't make what she wears a big issue. As long as her clothes are clean and not worn out/tatty then leave her be. She's 9, a child, let her be one. Any adult that judges a child negatively for wearing comfortable clothes is an idiot.

Why are you both trying to force her to wear things she doesn't like for the sake of appearances? Have you tried not caring what other people think? This is not a hill I'd choose to die on. Poor kid.

To nice places… yes, it’s scruffy.

Not in general.

Well don’t post any pics of your kids in scruffy clothing at a nice location and you won’t have too. 😂

What does that have to do with OP moaning about a 9 year old child's clothing choices on MN?

Also you didn't answer my question. What "type" do you mean?

Why does it matter what they wear?! The location isn't any less nice for anyone else just because people aren't dressed to your standard.

"a tramp" thats how you described it. Nasty language to use about a 9 year old.

Definitely sounds like a sensory issue how is she with school uniforms

I can't believe a child is being accused of dressing like a tramp.

That meant a certain type of dressing (always to females) when I was growing up and it's not a phrase I'd use to describe a child in joggers and a hoodie.

Sorry what kind of message are you sending her here.
That it’s okay to be uncomfortable to please other people? So wear some skin tight leggings that she might not like for all sorts of reasons.
When she is older she’ll be doing that for work and job interviews so let her be herself at her age.
I thought this thread would be about her dressing in a ‘sexualised’ way but she just cares about her comfort, you should too.
It’s nice these are the only issues you are facing but fgs. As I’ve gotten older and more comfortable in my skin I dress for comfort even at a fancy restaurants, I
couldn’t care less what others think, I can afford to be there so I don’t really care about pleasing people. I have a nice car, I don’t dress up to sit in it but maybe people judge me and think how dare she look like that whilst driving that.

If she wears school uniform for school (and tbh I'm surprised that she wears a dress - pinafore? rather than trousers) and the clothes are clean with no holes etc, I would let it go. I would suspect sensory processing disorder tbh

How does her DM handle it?