Step Daughter and clothes

[Kat22xx]

Hi all new poster here! Just wanted to first say that my step daughter is nearing 9, I've been in her life since she was 4 & lived with my partner for 3 years. We have her roughly 5 out of 14 nights a fortnight. All in all I think I have a very good & what I believe 'healthy' relationship with my DSD. There have been no major issues, she's a happy little kid, greets me warmly with a hug, we do lots of fun things, she's a part of my family now and hand on heart couldn't wish for a better step daughter.

There is just one little niggle that is driving me and of course my partner completely mad. It's her issues surrounding clothes/getting dressed. She will not wear anything other than joggers & hoodies. She just point blank refuses. Btw I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a 9 year old wearing that, but if we give her say some simple black leggings (a size up as she won't wear anything tight, has to be lose fitting) and a jumper to wear she just point blank refuses. We plan nice activities to do which she loves, such as afternoon tea, theatre, Sunday lunches, and we have some family Christmas parties / meals out coming up too. It would be nice if we could get her out of a tracksuit for these things as in my opinion it looks a little out of place (sorry if that offends anyway that's just how I've been brought up I suppose).

My partner tries to reason with her to find out why as the clothes we give her are nothing fussy whatsoever, but she says it's uncomfy/tight and if he puts his foot down she will be in a huge sulk for ages which then ruins the day. He doesn't know how to handle this anymore. It's got so bad that she still wears socks with her school dress as she won't wear tights either as they're so 'tight'.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this please?

It sounds like she's got sensory sensitivities and these clothes cause her discomfort and distress. I'd leave her alone if I were you.

Dd always felt the same and loved leggings and hoodies. I did insist she had a couple of smarter outfits though. We either went shopping together but the better option used to be to order loads online....look for loose fitting clothes and soft materials! We'd then try them on at home and sometimes found something! Loose fitting jumpsuits can look lovely and the ones on stretchy materials were good. We also found loose dresses were acceptable if the material didn't hurt! As she has become a teenager she has got better and although still loves the leggings and hoodies she does have some nice bits as well. Good luck!

As a step mum I'd stay well out of this. Who cares what she wears if she's comfy? Let her enjoy the short time in her life when she doesn't have to worry about her appearance and appropriate dressing!

Sounds like sensory issues with clothing:
www.theottoolbox.com/how-to-help-kids-with-sensory-issues-with-clothes/

I hate wearing tights always have done. Pick your battles - she's making her own choices what to wear now

I don’t think you should be getting involved in what she wears. It’s an issue (?) for her parents.

However, I will say that a 9 year old should be able to chose her own clothes and not have them bought and presented to her. Especially when you know full well that she won’t like them. Why not take her shopping somewhere that doesn’t sell tracksuits and offer to buy her something of her choosing?

I agree she's not a doll, let her have a say in what she wears

Does she have any other issues - socially, educationally, etc?

Sensory issues are extremely common in children with autism. My son for example won’t wear school uniform at all and has this written into his ehcp so he is allowed to wear joggers and a sweatshirt- he is 10 and has autism and sensory processing disorder.

Uncomfortable clothes literally feel like sandpaper to them.

Can you go shopping together and say she has to pick 1-2 nice outfits she likes?

I do agree with you though OP, nothing worse then going to a nice place/event and your kids want to dress like tramp.

Shes not. She's wearing a Tracksuit.

Has your partner talked with your sd's other parent about the clothing (I'm assuming that's who has custody the rest of the time) for more information on what's going on and if there are any slightly less casual clothes that SD will wear or has worn in the past? SD may have something "nicer" at home that she'll wear but that doesn't regularly go with her to dad's as it's not her everyday wear or a favourite. If it is sensory issues, familiar clothes will be the best bet and only she can really say what's comfortable for her. Honestly, I don't think any of the venues you mentioned will mind a 8yo in casual clothes unlss there's actually a dress code; just pick what looks nicest out of what she has for now.

Wearing a old tracksuit out to nice place, where people normally make an effort is basically dressing like a tramp. It’s scruffy.

You know she doesn't like leggings so give it up. You can get nice patterned trousers for little girls which are loose. Why do s it have to be leggings

No its not.

Soft leggings. Nice soft tunic.

I agree with PP that it sounds like a sensory issue. Could you and her dad take her shopping to choose some smarter but comfortable clothes?

I have a family member the same age with autism who can’t tolerate anything fitted and there are definitely some looser/comfier options that still look smart on the market.

If she does find clothing awkward she might not appreciate the pressure of the two of them escorting her round the shops to find something. Keep it casual dad could give her some clothes vouchers and she could buy what she wants in h&m or something.

Listen to her. The clothing is too tight for her.

that may sound crazy to you, but that is how it feels for her.

As a parent to a daughter with sensory issues, I know finding event appropriate clothing can be difficult, but it is not impossible. You have to work harder and find pieces that work for her. Soft cotton, few seams or flat seams, no tags. Pay attention to collars, cuffs, and elastic points. Never get anything with any kind of texture or stitching on the inside. I have managed to find beautiful clothing for my daughter for formal events and even a couple of funerals. I’m not in the uk so I can’t recommend specific shops.

This is exactly like one of my dds, she will only wear baggy hoodies and joggers.

If we need to go somewhere nice, I just get her a new set of joggers and a hoodie.

Why should she be uncomfortable for the sake of appearances? I love that she doesn't give a fuck, long may it continue.

Her dad tried, and lost, the battle of clothing on his time with her, and had conceded that its her body and her choice what she wears on it.

Of course it’s scruffy to make no effort when going to nice places.

How many people do you see wearing tracksuits when going to the theatre! Or to a nice restaurant. Hardly any and it’s only a certain type of people that do.

Hello could you clarify what type of person does, please? You say a 'certain type', not sure what this means. Thank you.

So she’s forced to wear something she’s not comfortable in, or being told off about what she’s wearing, gets upset and then gets blamed for ruining the day?

how would you feel if you were told off for wearing something you were comfortable in or being forced to wear something you didn’t want to wear?

leave her alone.

Could you take her shopping eg primark and say she can choose an outfit that she does feel comfortable in for going out in - encourage her to try on jersey dresses and soft leggings perhaps? Dd is autistic and she lives in jersey dresses as do I to be honest . My go to is fat face or seasalt but they are more expensive

I would say only a certain type of person judges families based on clothing choices of a 9 year old. It's not the type of person whose opinion matters.

I was a bit like that - had very clear ideas on what I wanted to wear mainly jeans and a t shirt. It did annoy my mum as she wanted me to wear eg a dress for going to church. But she let me and I was grateful for it