I wish it was just me and my bio kids

[unsta]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I'm young so think I took on too much with DC and DSC as well. I was naive that it'd all blend together at some point and I've tried so, so hard... but it's been years and I hate to admit it, but I so desperately wish that I was in control of my life, my own house, my own time, the parenting of my own children.
I feel like when it comes to DSC, my autonomy over my life, house and parenting has just completely blurred and I just feel like a guest in my house and an imposter in my life.

If there was a way to just have my bio children while keeping my relationship then I'd jump at it and I feel so awful admitting it.

Is your child also your partners child?
What exactly is the issue? Why do you feel like a guest?

I don't think these feelings are inevitable and I'm sure there are ways your situation could be improved.

No helpful advice sorry, but you are not alone, I feel exactly the same way.

You really shouldn’t be in your relationship if this is how you feel. It might feel like you have no control, but you have a hell of a lot more control over your own life than those children do.

I’ve seen so many of these threads, not just on here but other forums and it’s for this reason that I don’t think blended families are a fair situation to put children in.

My opinion is probably very unpopular but it’s just unfair all round but mostly for the kids who have zero say in it.

Its just what I believe and I stand by it, the mental health and well-being of children far outweighs the wants and desires of adults.

Why isn't there a way to keep your relationship and your bio children separate? Would he end things if you moved out?

@ArcticSkewer one of my DC are together. And we've been together for years. I'd be breaking the family, not just leaving a boyfriend.

@Limesodaandice I don't disagree with you!

@bluemop I'm so thankful that someone else feels the same. Makes me feel less horrendous for admitting it.

Ah so you have kids together as well but it's his kids with another woman you have a problem with. Did these feelings emerge after you had your joint baby?
It's a very common story.
I'm not at all in favour of blended families for this reason.

This. 100%
Blended families very, very rarely work for the simple reason that it goes against biology to "parent" a child that is not yours. Studies have demonstrated that step-mothers (in many cases, unconsciously) underfeed their SCs who are in effect, taking away resources from their biological offspring. Other studies have shown that female children who grow up in a household with a non-biological male menstruate earlier and are 20 times more likely to suffer from sexual abuse than children who grow up with bio parents.I could go on, and on.

As someone who was unlucky enough to have step-parents when I was growing up, my message to step-parents is: however much your SCs annoy/piss you off, it's always ALWAYS a MILLION times worse for the kids...

How long have you been together? What are the ages of the kids?

Any advice for the op @baguettechick and @ArcticSkewer

I grew up in 2 blended families,both parents remarried to someone with children,.i was so unhappy and never felt I fitted in anywhere ,so I refused to do the same with my kids ..I totally agree with you after my childhood

Or did you just want to tell her that you disagree with the concept of blended families?

If you are unhappy you could separate, your DC would still see their dad.

Blended families very, very rarely work for the simple reason that it goes against biology to "parent" a child that is not yours. Studies have demonstrated that step-mothers (in many cases, unconsciously) underfeed their SCs who are in effect, taking away resources from their biological offspring.

How interesting. I guess it makes sense for a parent to favour and prioritise their own offspring!

I feel exactly the same OP and have made steps to separate with DH on many occasions. Issue is I think my children would be worse off for a spilt. I fantasise about being in control of my own space.

Was this 'study'called 'Cinderella'

I’d feel exactly the same

They become a family, because they are, but then you become the guest.

I get it op. And you could go it alone and just be you and your bio dcs, but you can't have the dp without the stepkids. It's very hard being a stepparent. I truly don't think it's for everyone - actually I don't think it's for many people in all honesty. I don't think enough is said about it as it's all fun and games "yay blended family" irl, but it can be extremely difficult.

No advice, but I do sympathise.

Evenhouse, E., & Reilly, S. (2004). A Sibling Study of Stepchild Well-Being. The Journal of Human Resources, 39(1), 248–276. doi.org/10.2307/3559012

Cinderella too!

Alas, no advice. Just that OP is not a horrendous person for feeling that way; in fact, it would be deeply unusual if she didn't feel that way about her SCs.

There are reasons there are fairytales about this exact thing!

Loads of research is coming out on blended families at the moment.
A quick Google will enable you to start reading the research.
But basically no they are not good for children in fact they can be extremely damaging.
Not a popular thing to say though.
But I think wanting to be alone with her biological children is actually quite natural and OP I don't think anything is wrong with you you just have normal biological feelings.
Obviously not great for the blended family situation though.

It's a natural feeling op, and stories like Cinderella show how even old fairytales dealt with the same issues.

This. Poor kid. How horrible. And yes, they will be fully aware that you resent their presence.

Totally agree. I don't understand why people do this and it's always the children who suffer when they had no choice in it.