I wish it was just me and my bio kids

[unsta]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I'm young so think I took on too much with DC and DSC as well. I was naive that it'd all blend together at some point and I've tried so, so hard... but it's been years and I hate to admit it, but I so desperately wish that I was in control of my life, my own house, my own time, the parenting of my own children.
I feel like when it comes to DSC, my autonomy over my life, house and parenting has just completely blurred and I just feel like a guest in my house and an imposter in my life.

If there was a way to just have my bio children while keeping my relationship then I'd jump at it and I feel so awful admitting it.

I'm sorry but that is utter rubbish and so very offensive to adoptive parents and children. It also reinforces the wicked stepmother stereotype.

Family is not about blood. It's about love and that's not dependent on DNA. There are some wonderful step parents out there and some shitty biological ones. I'm sorry you had a hard time but it comes down to the character of the person you lived with not their role in the family.

But she chose this. The child did not. Therefore she needs to either make a conscious effort to repress these feelings and treat the stepchild equally, or leave the relationship. Damaging a child in this way because of your choices is not ok.

I couldn't do it, and l love that it's just me and my older teenagers. My own lovely home and my own way of doing things. Home life is calm and relaxed. I don't understand the appeal of blended families, I think people are very short sighted and as a child l couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck with another adult in my own home, or someone elses.

Well the step children do grow up and leave eventually so why not think long term about keeping the blended family together?

I can’t see much advice for the OP on this thread apart many posters trying to make the OP feel bad about having a blended family ‘because she chose it’ 😵‍💫😵‍💫

You should probably separate OP.

As a child of a blended (bullshit term) family I feel a bit vindicated by these comments. In my DM and stepfather’s home I played second fiddle to their joint DCs, in DF and stepmother’s home we were resented by her and lower priority than her DCs. Thank god for my DSis.

I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s just so damaging to a child, and is something that can be carried throughout their life.

Btw OP I really feel for you, I hope I didn’t come across as sticking the boot in, was more just making an observation about blended families as a concept.

You say you’d like to keep the relationship, would it be possible to “unblend” but still stay together somehow? I also think your feelings are completely natural and to be expected.

I'm in a family with two stepchildren and two children I had with their father. As far as I'm concerned our whole relationship has rioritised his children in every way. When we got together he was struggling with full time work, childcare and putting together the money to buy a house. I was able to help with those things. Everything we did was was based on his children's wellbeing. We then had our own children and they have needs too, so we have to balance them all. I regularly feel like OP does. Not because I'm resentful and hateful. My SCs have a charmed life. But it's more stressful and busy and difficult to have them than it would be to just have mine, I don't feel as much like myself with them because in sekf conscious about seeming to parent them, their mom doesn't communicate well with us, I feel that I'm expected to pick up the slack on a lot of child related chores etc etc. Sometimes I feel like a maid.

OP - let yourself have these feelings. Don't believe that you are a bad person. Consider couple's therapy. Try to accept the way things are and make small changes here and there to get more autonomy. It's a long road and takes time and you'll probably always have these feelings but you are not damaging anyone if you can be honest with yourself and seek small ways to change your life.

@lizziesiddal79
In Grimm's fairy tales they sanitized mother to step mother (for ex. Hänsel + Gretel).

Yeah agree with this. Op’s feelings being normal and expected doesn’t mean it’s ok to continue in this situation, it’s just not fair.

I see that as a bit different though because with a foster or adoption situation, it’s very much child centred. The parents have actively chosen to have the child or children in their life.

With a step parent situation though, the relationship between the couple is at the centre of it and the children are a by-product of that relationship. Sometimes it works out great and everyone is loved and happy, but often it seems that the step parent just “puts up with them” for the sake of their partner.

But if you leave and your husband remarried, won't you risk your child being unconsciously treated badly and underfed by their stepmother for potentially half their life?

I didn't read OP's post as resentment of the SC. I read it as feeling like she doesn't have any decision making powers.

I so desperately wish that I was in control of my life, my own house, my own time, the parenting of my own children.
It sounds more like she has little or no say in the way things are organised by the DH and his ex. That's not the SC's fault. That is the fault of the parents. It sounds like she feels that they prioritise themselves and SC when its decision making time.

OP Maybe it is worth discussing this with a counsellor between yourself and DH, to see if the decisions are, or could be, more fairly balanced.

Why subject your kids to this bullshit for a shag?

Your DC should be your priority. Fuck moving in with some bloke and their kids.

How old are the children?

If you’ve been going through this for years won’t they soon be old enough to take care of themselves?

What is the issue with them?
Does the ex parent cause issues?

Behind a paywall.

OP is your DH able to help rebalance things or is he part of the problem?

Ah, you need instructional affiliation to access it.

Wikipedia has a good-ish explanation of the Evolutionary Psychology theory of the Cinderella Effect: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

The key work on this was done by Margo Wilson & Martin Daly in an article entitled: Child abuse and other risks of not living with both parents.

The link to the paper is here: www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0162309585900123?via%3Dihub I

You might still not be able to access it, but at least it'll enable you to see the abstract which summarises the findings.

Meant institutional

Bad news there for adopted children and their families then. Ridiculous statements.

Can you afford to separate households? Your relationship if it’s a good one doesn’t have to go if it’s just the blending bit that isn’t working.

YANBU OP.

Our 'blended family involved two DSDs, both adults, both at university, but they were so nasty, to me and to DS, and DP would not intervene, that in the end I took DS and left.

The relief was overwhelming. DS was happier too, (and safer) and we've lived separately ever since.

You have every right to feel the way you do, and if your dp won't support you in feeling happier in your own home, then it isn't your home and you should leave.

adopted children are the children of both parents - not a blended family.

Do the right thing by everybody and make it happen. Blended families don't work for the kids.

You really shouldn’t be in your relationship if this is how you feel. It might feel like you have no control, but you have a hell of a lot more control over your own life than those children do.

I agree with this. We see it so many times on here, two people get together, and it's not far down the line that the SC are being resented. If you don't want to parent your partners children then don't get into a relationship with them. And actually, sometimes this does work out, but it takes a special kind of step-parent. I feel so sorry for the poor kids caught in the middle.