I wish it was just me and my bio kids

[unsta]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I'm young so think I took on too much with DC and DSC as well. I was naive that it'd all blend together at some point and I've tried so, so hard... but it's been years and I hate to admit it, but I so desperately wish that I was in control of my life, my own house, my own time, the parenting of my own children.
I feel like when it comes to DSC, my autonomy over my life, house and parenting has just completely blurred and I just feel like a guest in my house and an imposter in my life.

If there was a way to just have my bio children while keeping my relationship then I'd jump at it and I feel so awful admitting it.

Some of these comments are just WOW

When I married my ex our relationship was the centre and foundation for the kids they were below that.

It's really weird that people suggest it's the normal state of play.

Cinderella was a story told at a time when women died in childbirth and step mothers were supposed to be a replacement mother (if you look at the wicked step mother role she embodies all that isn't maternal) and dad is some bumbling idiot who is bewitched 🙄

However now days women usually survive childbirth and now there's a conflict between roles and why many mothers don't agree with blended families. Which is also why in my opinion many step mothers feel misplaced. I have seen blended families work a lot better sadly when the mother has died as step mother fills a maternal role within the family unit and it replicates the nuclear family a lot more as there isn't the anger someone's moved on or the fear of being replaced.

I have to say when my Dd got a sm I was worried on some level I would be replaced.
But luckily I was smart enough to be able to see behind the fairytales and realise it does take a village to raise a child and I'm grateful my children have such a lovely lady in their lives.

Hey OP. @unsta I strongly recommand you read "stepmonster" if you haven't already. It's a fascinating read about the myths and prejudice about stepmothers, it contains testimonies and studies and tries to explain why it works (or doesn't). I found it deeply informative.

@Willyoujustbequiet , I’m an experienced, ie long-term, adopter of two and I personally don’t find this offensive at all. I often wonder about the concept of ‘blood is thicker than water’. It would be daft of me not to.

Or even a single adopter, like me.

Blended families absolutely can work.

But sometimes they don’t.

This one doesn’t.

I suggest looking into living separately but staying in a relationship.
You’ll find the dynamic will completely change for the better and it will benefit everyone, including the DCs.

@MintJulia did you manage you stay in the relationship, if you don't mind me asking? That situation must have built up a lot of resentment.

@AutumnCrow I moved with DC, into a rented home. We saw his dad at weekends.

The relationship lasted another 22 months. I called a halt when ex was pressurising me about money. He kept trying to put me in a situation where I couldn't afford to live, and would be forced to move back. He wanted us to live with him but his daughter was so spiteful it wasn't safe.

But you're right. It eventually led to a lot of resentment on his part. It offended him that I could manage perfectly well by myself, provide a nice home for DS and not rely on him for help.

I completely understand and often feel this way also. It's much worse now we've had our own child as I feel they just get in the way and are here and life is messed up until they leave then everything goes back to normal again.
I just think of the longer term. Teenagers stop coming at some point; or don't stay regularly like when they are young. If you love your DP and want to remain in your relationship then I'd suggest making plans when they are round, distract yourself with other things and don't get involved in the drama and play the long game, alternatively if it's that bad then move out temporarily until they are older 🤷🏻‍♀️

@PottyDottyDotPot · Today 16:26

If you are unhappy you could separate, your DC would still see their dad.

The thing is, her kids could then become stepkids to another woman.... and I think this is what stops a lot of SMs leaving....even when they aren't happy.

The fact that they have another parent you don't live with, means you can't just make plans like you're a single parent.

They realise, that another woman will have the negative feelings towards her children, that she has about her SC....or even if it's not feelings about the child specifically...it's the whole situation.

Yep same

Just looking at your first link :-

stepparents display fewer positive behaviors toward stepchildren than do the genetic parents. For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc

The measure of bias in these examples isn’t reasonable IMO. I have never taken my DSS to the doctors, it’s not my place. I do not invest in his education- again not my place and yes I definitely play with him less than my own DC. If I don’t do those things for my own DC, they wouldn’t get done - I’m their primary carer. If I invested as heavily in my DSS as my own DC his mum would, quite rightly, veto my decisions anyway. Not to mention she would be alarmed if I started taking him to the doctor.

You also fail to mention the more recent studies further down the page which don’t support the findings of the study quoted above…

Yey more step parent bashing! Fun times.
No op it isnt unusual and rsmps up when you have your own, however, it also really can get better.
Most of my resentment arose form feeling out of control/dysney dadding.. So take control. One set of rules. You get time off one dsy they are thwre so the dad takes ALL the chikdren out and you go do somethinf nice eg see friends or so spa.
I havw friends who genuinley love their step parents and are happy, it has risks but far more risks staying in an abusive relationship

Why would the OP even come back with the utter lack of empathy some of you show?
Me - I wish my partner’s ex wasn’t anywhere near my life, I wish my partner would be the main breadwinner and I could fill my days with yoga and lattes rather than boiling my head with my professional and well paid but stressful job. I wish I didn’t live so far from my family.
There’s three pretty big wishes of the top of my head. I’m sure everybody has pretty big things like this swimming around inside them. I’m going to change nothing but sometimes it’s nice to have a little moan.

OP I hear you. DSS is now 18 and lives with us full time.
I used to get so pissed off with his mother controlling/meddling in my life and my DC's life.

I said to DH once if I had realised when I met him I wouldn't have started a relationship.

Now DSS is 18 it is easier. He is independent, no mother meddling, he doesn't want to come out for the days out/holiday so we get time to do fun stuff with the younger ones without him.

He is 6 years older than our ds and 9 years older than DD which means there is quite an age gap.

I know 2 others step mum's with a similar age gap and they have said the same - it does get easier when their mum drops out the picture.

Not sure if the ages of the children in his Your situation so may not apply to you.

Also you need to be honest with your dp.

I have been v honest at times, otherwise it is all on you.

He needs to realise the impact and put some boundaries in place.

I havw friends who genuinley love their step parents and are happy, it has risks but far more risks staying in an abusive relationship

Why is an abusive relationship the alternative? Why not look after your children by yourself?

I don’t think I will ever blend my family, I love our little unit unfortunately for my youngest his Dad quickly moved in with his new partner and he’s struggling with the situation as are her children.

My ex actually told a friend I’m not feeding them they are not my kids and also refers to one of them as ‘the fat one’

I always thought if you met someone with children they came as a package!

I always thought if you met someone with children they came as a package!

They do but I guess it’s the part of the package you like least. Like the Milky Way in a tub of celebrations.

I think that's shifting the focus unnecessarily onto the potential step parent. I think most people don't want their child to have separated parents and live between two houses. The potential for them having a step parent is very much an afterthought for me, it's the initial separation I want to spare them. People like to downplay that on here so they can pretend the only people disadvantaging the children are the step parents, rather than the parents who split up - it's a scapegoat situation.

And yes, I do prioritise my DC not having separated parents above my DSC not having an ambivalent step parent, so won't be leaving on his account.

Bad news there for adopted children and their families then. Ridiculous statements.

It is assumed that all children who have needed to be adopted will have suffered some trauma. It is well recognised that they are likely to need support to deal with their circumstances at some point in their lives. This is absolutely not true for step children. They often suffer a level of trauma but they are expected to just get on with it. There is no professional support available for being a step child, it is not even acknowledged that they are likely to have an issue. Adults around them reassure themselves that they are entitled to their relationship because they deserve happiness, ignoring that it often comes at the expense of children’s happiness.

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc

Parents shock as they realise that not all other humans love their children as much as they do.....

I think these poor kids are the Bounty’s 🥲 he even admitted he has a relationship with the Mother but not them despite living with her.

Imagine the hate and outrage a stepmum would get if she dared to take a DSC to a doctor's appointment. They get roasted enough for wanting to go to sports days.

I get exactly what you mean, OP. When I was in a 'blended family' I felt that I had little control over my life or even my own DC's life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling like that, because it is true for stepmums and their children in lots of blended families. I had no say in anything because my ex, his children, and their mum's wishes and needs and wants without fail came before my own and my DC's. Any activity, trip, holiday, even meal out was what my ex and his children decided, at a time and date they decided. Contact arrangements changed constantly without me knowing (despite the fact that I would often be the one doing the cooking and child care). I had no say about where we lived. I had no say over house rules. By the end I was just like some little house elf whose only purpose was to provide money, free child care, and do the chores. And my DC began to learn that their needs and wishes were totally insignificant so stopped having a voice at all. It's taken me years to support him to build his self-esteem up again.

^ Definitely NOT what I would advise a friend who wanted to leave:
“Yeah you need to stay because the next stepmum will feel like you do. Not worth the risk.Chin up.” Knowing she’s fucking miserable.

I’d be saying “You need to change your life. Leave this situation behind and focus on you and your kids. What happens in the future happens. But at least you will be in control of your own life and your children’s lives with you. Stay and you’ll be forever controlled by everyone else, including your own fears. And nothing will ever change.”

I Like to think I’m a good friend 😄.