I wish it was just me and my bio kids

[unsta]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I'm young so think I took on too much with DC and DSC as well. I was naive that it'd all blend together at some point and I've tried so, so hard... but it's been years and I hate to admit it, but I so desperately wish that I was in control of my life, my own house, my own time, the parenting of my own children.
I feel like when it comes to DSC, my autonomy over my life, house and parenting has just completely blurred and I just feel like a guest in my house and an imposter in my life.

If there was a way to just have my bio children while keeping my relationship then I'd jump at it and I feel so awful admitting it.

I wasn’t talking about finances, rather socially and emotionally in terms of the roles women are expected to take on and the dynamics of the family.

I’m not trying to suggest that men don’t get shafted by being a step parent but that wasn’t the basis of my post.

It's really difficult to be a step mum, I am one and it's only now when they're both grown up with families of their own it's working. I sympathise with how you're feeling, it doesn't make you wrong.

I honestly don’t find that either, that’s not me with an agenda, just talking about my own experiences.

Just my own observation which don’t invalidate yours. There can be some truth in both our opinions.

I would hate it too, my ex had children albeit before I had a child of my own and ultimately the relationship ended as I hated life revolving around his children even though I know that's how it should be; so the fair and logical thing was to remove myself from the situation. Hypocritically though if me and DH ever split up I'd hope someone would not see my child as an obstruction to a relationship.

I think a huge reason blended families ( with dad and new partner as I only gave this experience) work if the dad is willingly to understand that his new partner does not and will maybe not ever feel the way he does about his children and that she's going to feel like a team with him not him and the kids then her on the outside...

After 10 years we are a very successful blended family I feel... it wasn't always easy at the start as a huge learning curve for me with no kids suddenly dealing with 3 quite regularly. I had strengths and weakness and he acknowledged this letting me step forward when I wanted but also bail out if I felt they were too much at times and there was no resentment so I never felt I had to become anything to them I wasn't ready for.

Even when we had our son it was tricky and of course I wanted me my partner and our child alone who wouldn't but after a short time i was happy to return to reality and carry on as normal and enjoy my sons siblings relationships... we however had a larger gap between them and my son 11/12 years gap so maybe a smaller gap is more difficult.

My point is be honest with your partner, make sure you are giving but also telling him while you need him to give to you and yes that might be cancelling on the kids occasionally/ planning a date night or just ranting with you about how life can be hard and blended families stressful it's if he doesn't hear and really understand you the problems are serious. I realise some would call my husband a bad dad for a few decisions over the year but ultimately these have made us stronger and in turn made a stronger unit for the kids I feel

Absolutely it seems bonkers. Can't tolerate the partner's kids for 2/3 days out of 14.

You'd think this part of the forum would have a lot more step dads that are around their step kids most of the time. I'm sure there will be responses along the line of Disney Dad v proper patenting mother but most kids are annoying and this can only be heightened in a step family dynamic.

I think it's all territorial. My ex has a new partner and he's not seeing his kids from first relationship for a while. I can see shes there (my ex) on whatsapp anatagonising things when she should be biting her tongue for the greater good (like i have to do with her...)

There is no doubt male partners are expected to pick up the slack and pay for their step kids/new partners previous DCS - as reflected in the CMS calculation.

In my DCS case their weak willed DF took his step kids on holiday and his then new DP and claimed he could not afford to take his own DCS. That they went on luxury 5* holidays that she wanted did make it expensive whereas a week in Spain where they all went was never an option.

Luckily that SM is now binned and new SM is brill. She has no DCs and is honest with me if she needs space from both EX and the DCS. She gets it so right but she does talk and lets both EX and I if it is too much and she needs her own space.

You'd think this part of the forum would have a lot more step dads that are around their step kids most of the time.

Well the forum is Mumsnet so it's not surprising it attracts more women than men.

And 2/3 days out of 14 is quite a lot to spend with someone you wouldn't choose, especially if you work full time. I don't think anyone would be surprised if someone struggled being around their PIL that much, for example.

But it's something the step parent actively chooses. The children and arrangements exist before the relationship so there is a very clear opportunity to say actually this isn't for me and get out before dc are affected. Whether that's 2 days out of 14 or 12 out of 14 on the other side. Actively choosing to take on a role in a child's life isn't something to take lightly or enter if you aren't 100% committed.

There are plenty of replies from posters who were the step children made to feel uncomfortable or less than showing the damage it does.

But it's something the step parent actively chooses. The children and arrangements exist before the relationship so there is a very clear opportunity to say actually this isn't for me and get out before dc are affected. Whether that's 2 days out of 14 or 12 out of 14 on the other side. Actively choosing to take on a role in a child's life isn't something to take lightly or enter if you aren't 100% committed.

Yes, this is said a lot. As others have mentioned, people often don't really know what it will be like before they are deep in the situation so they're not really actively choosing it, they're naive to the reality. But also, what they are often "choosing", if they are wise to the struggles, is to put up with it. It doesn't mean they won't be feeling the things discussed on this thread.

A bit like having children to start with!

Another enormous point that gets overlooked is that the step kids are the joint kids’ brothers and sisters. They will be a huge asset to their child(ren) in future so it’s absolutely in everyone’s interest to cultivate a good relationship between them, and not put the joint kids in the awkward position of ‘mum/dad doesn’t like my brothers/sisters’.

OP needs to suck it up and keep her thoughts to herself, and try to reframe them as her kids’ siblings rather than ‘DH’s kids’. She also needs to ask herself how she would feel if her DH confessed to similar feelings about her kids - if that was the subject of this thread it would be LTB!

Thank you for writing that, in the nicest possible way, that is how I feel. I just want it to be me and my kids (now adults though so don’t live with us) and my husband. I’m at the point I really don’t like having the DSC there (every other week) at all.

Exactly @Cuppasoupmonster - if her partner wanted her kids out if the picture this certainly would have a different response!
My husband had two children and we had two together. There was 13 years between them, and they lived with us. Sure I'd have preferred not to have two hormonal teenage boys in the house with a baby and toddler, but that was the reality of it. There was no 'harm' done to anyones' mental or physical health - in fact I think the boys thrived without their own mother hassling them daily. Any other blended family I know have had their ups and downs, remarkably just like any family with children! Sure they may be resentments between the step/half siblings, but there sure are plenty of resentment in full siblings too.
You are not unreasonable in wanting, internally, that things were different- I've admitted this myself above. But keep it to yourself.

@Cuppasoupmonster I find the sibling relationship thing a bit of a non starter of a point myself. The SC are not always the SM's children's only siblings, making this relationship of critical value they won't get elsewhere and worth the SM martyring themselves to protect. It's not inevitable of course, but for example it's likely my two DDs will have more in common with and be closer to each other than to DSS, who is quite different to them with a very different lifestyle and world view.

That's not to say they cannot be close to him too, they may well choose to be, but my feelings about the situation have little bearing on that. I don't discuss them with my DC in the same way I don't discuss any resentments I have about being a parent with them. But that doesn't mean I have to suck it up and never discuss it with anyone. I'll be frank with my DP about it and I'll certainly discuss it with strangers, I don't view it as any more taboo than a parent discussing struggling with never getting a full night sleep or night to themselves since having DC (but who probably wouldn't say that to them).

As to thinking about how I'd feel if a partner felt this way about my kids - well I've been in the position so I wouldn't expect differently. If I wasn't ok with my potential DP feeling as I do then I wouldn't seek out a relationship.

Well you would find it a non-starter Sofa because it doesn’t justify your feelings.

My best friend has 2 older half siblings, they never lived together as kids but as adults she has had quite an up and down relationship with her ‘full’ sister and has become much closer to the half siblings. They’re still blood, and not whinging about children that were there before you is not ‘martyring’.

I can understand having these feelings deep down but it’s a scenario of your own choosing.

Yes, I did say it's possible they could be close and my DC may not be, but it's not as likely and it doesn't detract from the fact that this relationship is not quite as unique to the DC when they do also have other siblings. I'm not desperate to protect it at all costs.

I also said that I don't discuss these feelings with my DC, why would I, they are small children. But it is certainly a stretch to suggest that I would feel the need to never discuss them with adults who are perfectly capable of understanding the situation, on the very small off chance it may have an effect on my DC's relationship with their half brother in later life. There's no reason for it to. I'm not going to never discuss it with anyone out of fear of that happening.

There is no doubt male partners are expected to pick up the slack and pay for their step kids/new partners previous DCS - as reflected in the CMS calculation.

That’s all part of being in a relationship with a parent who is an RP. And paying that money is outweighed by the fact that that stepparent (usually stepdad) gets a largely drama free life. I would rather be a stepdad and pay the money than be a stepmum and put up with the multitude of problems and complications they have to put up with (and still be expected to cough up).

Huh? No man should be paying for kids that aren’t his as the expense of kids that are.

I know the general rule on here is that women are never in the wrong, but this is a clear scenario when being female confers an unfair advantage.

Any woman that complains on here about paying for step kids is met with outraged cries of ‘YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO PAY ANYTHING FOR KIDS THAT ARENT YOURS LTB’

Also not sure about the drama free part. They often have to deal with the exes…

This is not uncommon op. I was also a step child, whose step mother rejected her, my own mother passed when I was very young. In my experience step parents are lovely till the get the ring on the finger and their own kid then they just want rid of the non bio kids and would rather they didn’t exist . It’s horrific. And it’s very common. It’s the reason the stereotype exists. It happens a lot.

Yes, this was my experience too. They pretend to love their stepkids until the wedding or their own baby, then it’s like a switch going off and suddenly they just want the stepkids out the picture. It was very hurtful as I loved my stepmum before she married my dad, thought she genuinely liked me, then she changed overnight and I just seemed to irritate her by being in the same house.

Yes mine too, she was all cuddles kisses, sit on my knee let’s do fun stuff together till he married her, then it started to change immediatly, every day, every week it got worse, till within a couple of years she made it clear she hated the fact he had kids and didn’t wish them, she just wanted her own . Whole sale and complete rejection. It was all a lie as she loved him and he wouldn’t have married her if he knew she rejected his kids and could not be a step parent to them, he was her goal,we were the price she had to pay.

It’s so sad isn’t it. My stepmum was all lovey dovey with us until about a month before the wedding, then she suddenly went a bit silent/off. She said it was wedding stress, but it just went from bad to worse. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach that this was the real ‘her’ but at that point my dad was gone, hook line and sinker. After the wedding it was all about her kids, the atmosphere in the house was awful whenever we were there. She never said to our faces that she didn’t want us there, but it was obvious. If we sat in the living room she would go into another room and my dad would run after her.

Huh? No man should be paying for kids that aren’t his as the expense of kids that are.

Well I agree on the face of it they shouldn’t. But in situations when it comes to things like universal credit or child tax credits, the RP’s income will potentially go down if a partner moves in. The RP should know this anyway and only move someone in if they’re prepared to make up the shortfall. That’s really what I meant and I should have made that clearer.

I know the general rule on here is that women are never in the wrong, but this is a clear scenario when being female confers an unfair advantage.

Any woman that complains on here about paying for step kids is met with outraged cries of ‘YOU SHOULDNT HAVE TO PAY ANYTHING FOR KIDS THAT ARENT YOURS LTB’

Well I don’t see why she should. If her partner is seeing his child EOW for example then I can’t see why he can’t provide for his child himself. It’s not a lot to ask really, is it?

Also not sure about the drama free part. They often have to deal with the exes…

I don’t think to the extent that stepmums do.
But even so, even if the dad does cause trouble for the stepdad it’s a lot easier to tell the dad to fuck off and soon he will get the message. For example if the dad demanded the stepdad picks the dsc up on his days, both mum and stepdad would be able to say no and the stepdad gets to carry on with his day. With mums and stepmums, it’s constant scrutiny and demands regarding the children and the stepmum doesn’t hear the end of it.

Also, the stepdad is less likely to have to put up with silly favouritism of the older dc by his in laws. I bet no mum’s parents do what dad’s parents do, nor would any mum allow it. Stepmums have to put up with their dc being treated as second class because the in laws feel the need to overcompensate and the dad does nothing about.

Then the stepdad is in a relationship with the mum. That’s less drama for him to begin with. The amount of women who have to put up with lazy men and parent his children for him. Stepdads don’t get any of that.