I wish it was just me and my bio kids

[unsta]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I'm young so think I took on too much with DC and DSC as well. I was naive that it'd all blend together at some point and I've tried so, so hard... but it's been years and I hate to admit it, but I so desperately wish that I was in control of my life, my own house, my own time, the parenting of my own children.
I feel like when it comes to DSC, my autonomy over my life, house and parenting has just completely blurred and I just feel like a guest in my house and an imposter in my life.

If there was a way to just have my bio children while keeping my relationship then I'd jump at it and I feel so awful admitting it.

Reckon your DH feels like that about your bio kids that aren’t his?

Same. You’re not a ‘permanent resident’ anywhere. And you’re painfully aware that the joint kids are the ‘real family’ and they’re probably happier when you’re not there.

Interesting though how the stepmums never expect their husband to feel this way about their kids from previous relationships. If anything they expect them to step into dad role, pay for the kids, love them ‘like their own’ etc…

@thethreemuskateers that's really, really sad and absolutely not condonable for any reason.

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc

….which results in the parents doing more. Win win.

I agree I would hate to think it I met anyone in future they would feel like that about my children.

Yes I hear what you're saying op, the realisation that someone else's kid takes precedence over your own x

I think it's much more down to individuals, you can't tar everyone with the same brush.

Blended families can work, adoption works, but you need to have very good communication, good boundaries that are discussed in advanced and have your eyes open. The children themselves can adapt but all parties need to be on the same page.

Most the tales here are of overcompensating Disney dads, or stepmothers who didn't really think through the impact every other weekend would have

OP you are absolutely enititeld to feel as you do.

There are enough actual step kids on here telling us, they know they are unwanted. Either new blended family would prefer they were anywhere but with them at the time they are in that blended family.

That is immeasurably sad and is a reflection of all the adults involved not just step mums.

I struggle with the concept that for what is usually 2 days and nights out of 14, ie 52 days out of 365 in a year - people find this so intolerable and resent every moment these children are in their usually fathers home. It shows a lack of respect for the children, a situation they never invited and their feelings.

Adults around them reassure themselves that they are entitled to their relationship because they deserve happiness, ignoring that it often comes at the expense of children’s happiness.

I agree. Parents' main responsibility is towards their children. If you choose to have children, you've got to put them first.

I think this is some of the issue for step parents. The bio parents but their own feelings first and feel entitled to have a romantic relationship, but this feeling of entitlement doesn’t extend to actually prioritising anyone else. It takes a lot of work to balance everyone’s needs and maintain equilibrium, but I think too often the bio parents just step back and watch it all unfold.

Then the blame is laid on the step parents, who actually have the least responsibility of anyone to keep anyone but themselves happy.

@HotCoffee22 absolutely!

But also - I dont 100% agree that children should always be priority - keeping the relationship between mum and dad should be as important - if not more - in order for children to not be a broken home. Otherwise there are step children living between 2 homes, then meeting step parents then having half siblings then the family splitting up and theres 2 sets of children in between 2 homes!

A lot of people have SC 50/50 or even more and that is intense and is a constant back and forth for everyone. I actually think its probably better for the children to have a steady home then go to Dads every other weekend but then that means they dont see him much...not sure what the best thing is really but 2 days here 1 day there 1 day here 2 day there seems crazy

Totally agree. Everyone is important and everyone has wants and needs. It’s on the single parent to prioritise the needs and balance the wants of everyone. Too often it all falls on SM’s shoulders and they’re expected to carry everyone’s burden and forget themselves.

From my own observation which are of course limited to my own circle, I think every other weekend plus a midweek stay for tea at the non resident parent works well. I agree it’s not nice for kids not to have a “base.”

I disagree actually. Stepmums get a better end of the deal as they tend to have their own kids living with them and step kids there only some of the time. Stepdads tend to live with their step kids and only see their own children some of the time.

In several families I know, the stepmums kids no longer see their bio dad so she has pressured the new husband to be a replacement dad to her kids. In all cases they pay for their step kids, have them around 24/7, in one case they call him ‘dad’ even though he didn’t come into their lives until they were 6ish. In one of the cases the stepmum has persuaded him to move across the country to be close to her own family, leaving his bio kids a 3 hour drive away.

Yes it’s shitty and weak on his part, but in most cases I know it’s worked out favourably for the stepmum who sees her own kids as the ‘real family’ and the step kids as a nuisance that ruin the fantasy.

Except in the case of a childless step mum or one who has shared children with the single parent. She has sacrificed far more and got all the baggage and none of the benefit.

@HotCoffee22 thats a choice though. If they’re childless they can choose to seek out a childless partner - they can’t reasonably expect to have the same sort of relationship with a man who has kids.

Wow! What a horrible way to feel.

@allboysmum3 does your DH feel that way about your kids from previous relationship?

Well yes, but you’re missing my point and you’re putting a lot of impetus on a childless person to understand the dynamics of the family unit they’re entering into, without any experience. Whereas the newly single parent has had some practice at having a relationship and kids - and that’s not gone well for them so should be better placed to not make the same mistakes. Rather than, as you have done, laying all the responsibility of a happy relationship and blended family with the SM who “chose” it. She likely didn’t chose the reality because things often aren’t what they seem.

If the dad actually made an effort to balance everyone’s needs, wants and accommodate them rather than enticing a childless person into a relationship and then telling them that cohesion is their responsibility everyone might get on better.

Or ‘he’, hot coffee. Single childless men do have relationships as well. But it strikes me you’re just taking the default ‘support women’ position rather than a ‘support step parents’ one.

I’m talking about men.

If the dad actually made an effort to balance everyone’s needs, wants and accommodate them rather than enticing a childless person into a relationship and then telling them that cohesion is their responsibility

No, you were talking about women only.

Lots of single childless men start relationships with mums and feel forced to take on/pay for their kids.

And I don’t understand the relevance of your observation based on my comments? Yes I’m talking primarily about Dads dating women. Because I don’t believe step mums and step dads are held to the same standard. Cinderella, which is referenced above and is what prompted me to post is about a wicked step mum.

That’s really not the case with the blended families I know. It’s far more common for the bloke to be expected to play dad to the woman’s kids, and pay for them, than it is the other way round. Presumably because as I said, he’s more likely to live full time with her kids than she is with his.