Nativity?

[Storyboo]

Hi, I’m new here so please be gentle!

I’ve been with my DP for just over a year, we’ve lived together for a month. His little one is 4. He got the nursery newsletter with Christmas event dates and added to our calendar the nativity date and has asked me to book time off work.

I think it’s great, and I would love to go, but things haven’t been great with his ex who is volatile and isn’t over their split, and didn’t take kindly to us being together at first but seems to have mellowed. (I’m not the OW- there wasn’t anyone else involved in the split).

What would you do? Do I go to the nativity which would likely flare arguments? I would love to see him in the nativity and it would be great to be there with the extended family, his granny and grandpa will be there too.

I know we’re not married and I’m not officially a step parent- I just thought this would be the better thread for this question.

I think you should start pondering why your DP's ex is 'volatile'.

This is an event for the child's mum and dad and relatives.

Your DP shouldn't expect you to go. It's not the occasion to establish you among the wider family. He needs to put his child and his child's expectations front and centre here, not himself and his agenda.

Fair enough, but I hope you understand why I asked as I was trying to illustrate why the mother/ex is feeling hostile. I don't think she would be in the wrong to be concerned about you moving in so quickly and worrying that your relationship will break down leaving her child hurt. But I'm reading between the lines.

If you are in it for the long term, then she will have to get used to you.

I think the advice is mainly to leave it to your partner to navigate his relationship with his ex and that he has to do so with the interests of his child at the forefrount.

*forefront

I think taking a relatively new girlfriend to a 4yo school nativity is the act of a wind up merchant and I wouldn’t be taking part in that.

Efficient coparenting can be really hard. It requires both sides to have emotional intelligence. There are some times when new boyfriends and girls friends need to stay in their own lanes as the fall out isn’t worth it and brings no benefit to the child.

Sometimes you will get a parent who doesn’t mind trampling all over the other parent and pushing boundaries as they genuinely don’t give a shit about the benefit to the child. It’s narcissistic.

If there is only one sitting and she is likely to be there - it seems like he is trying to show her he has completely recreated the family with her sitting on the outside.

Or he might just be a bit silly and think it's a good way to show his child that OP cares and is sticking around. Not everything is about the ex.

Yeah sounds about right

You just quoted yourself btw

I might start doing that

Agreeing with yourself? I mean why not I guess!

I wouldn't go. A 4 year old really won't be that bothered about who is there so long as they have their parents and grandparents there. It's probably his first nativity too so I could see why his mum might be upset by her ex's new girlfriend coming along. Maybe in a few years, going to a sports day or something similar, but for now it seems too much.

It is a bit of a pattern I have seen with various men, trying to force it a bit with new girlfriends, bringing them along to watch on the sides at the children's sports club training, swimming lessons etc. It makes me cringe a bit, especially as all of the other parents who are still together don't even both come to watch together. It seems to be more about validation of the relationship than wanting to watch.

Yeah, I'm going to quote myself and say "yeah spot on, you are so right it hurts"

It’s quite soon for that sort of thing. I think it’s a parent sort of thing so unless you were very, very established (e.g 5 years) and the child and other parent want you there, I don’t think it’s appropriate.

The other parent doesn't get a say.

😂

The fact that your DP has asked you to go knowing full well it would likely upset his child's mother on what is usually a very special event raises big red flags for me. A conscientious father would say he'd love you to be there but he doesn't want to risk upsetting anyone and spoiling the moment for DC when ultimately this is all about them and not the adults issues with each other. Instead he wants you to take time off for it to ensure you are there to rub ex p face in it🤨

I think it’s more likely the Dad wants to fully immerse himself in family life with his daughter and OP, irrespective rather than in spite of the ex.

That said I definitely see your POV and personally wouldn’t, maybe next year when the dust has settled.

No I wouldn't go, and all ours have been limited to two tickets anyway

It's not really that intrusive. A lot of men are keen to have new girlfriends take on a mothering/caring role for their kids, not saying that's what's happening but the the fact he's keen for you to go to nativity makes me wonder if he was the driving force behind living together.

I dont think that really matters at all. I think op has done the correct think asking for advice about this rather than just doing what her dp has asked. Her relationship really has nothing to do with anyone, she was asking for advice on a school nativity not her living arrangements.

Is the mum going to the same performance? I think sometimes they do a couple and you might not even see her.

If you would all be there together, it might be kinder to sit this year out.

My only concern would be if he's trying to insist she comes to this what else is he wanting her to do? Eg. Take time off when kid is ill. I expect OP has this covered though

I get what you are saying as we read about that stuff on here all the time but I think the fact op asked about this she probably has her head screwed on with regards to the situation.

Sorry Op, dont mean to be talking about you like you are not here lol

Yes I agree that's what I mean by has it covered.

Also sorry OP!