If you're a mum with a child who has a stepmum...

[tiredofthiisshit21]

....what exactly do you expect from her in relation to your children?

Genuinely interested, based on a number of recent posts where mums have expected last minute childcare for their kids. Does this really happen a lot in the real world?

The mother of my stepkids has never expected a thing from me. I guess it helps that my husband properly parents and never fobs them off on me, or maybe I set my boundaries correctly from the outset.

Interested to hear thoughts.

Following with interest! I'm in the same position as you OP x no pressure at all from DP or his ex to do any childcare etc! X

Absolute nothing except decent kindly treatment when they're around her.

‘Love them like her own’ and in the next breath ‘she oversteps the boundaries’

I give up.

Yep, was about to say exactly that. Contradiction in terms.

That’s the difference, op. A lot of posters have really shit husbands and are grateful when they do very basic standard adulting. They divorce and they become shit ex-husbands and rely on new partners to pick up the parenting. Then get angry when the new partner thinks the father should be doing the parenting.

I made it 110% clear from the start of my relationship that I wouldn’t ever be looking after his kids. Ever.
So it’s not something that’s ever expected from me.

My ex had a child when I met him, and that was the most 50/50 care I've ever seen before or since. I can't say I agree with how his care was handled, as it was very much whoever was available in the family would have him.

By the time I left, I had him the most. I did his parents evenings, dental appointments etc etc. I remember missing my friends birthdays cause I was de facto sitter.

That wasn't okay.

I think it does differ between who has primary residency. So my daughter's dad is her step dad, but been around since she was barely a year old, he has PR, etc etc so yes he's an equal parent and he behaves as such.

If we were to divorce, and him get a new partner, I'd expect her to treat our children with care and respect, and hopefully as time moved on, with love. Not unlike a good aunty.

I'd expect that is what would happen, because I know my husband and he would only be with a woman who could do that.

In return, I'd respect her position as his partner, and a figure in my daughter's life.

As I had quite a tumultuous childhood and teen years, I fully buy into "the more to love, the better" because often, children need a safe adult that loves them to talk to, before they dare speak to their parents. And I will foster that in my children and other adults around them, in the same way I want to have that relationship with my friends children.

Does that make sense?

I've never been expected to provide childcare either and both dp and DSCs mum have enough of a grip on reality to know that it's not reasonable to expect another adult to love your children "as their own".

@Callmejudy surely if you want your DCs SM to love them as her own then there are no boundaries to overstep. You can't have it both ways...

I'd always wanted their fathers partner to be like a friend to my girls. Rather than a 'parent' if that makes any sense? Like someone they can have a little moan too or unload to if I'm not there and they've had a rough day, a fun person. I think it'd be nice for it not to have that parent role to it as they may feel more comfortable? I can't really explain what I mean!! From what I know, she does bake cakes with them but not alot more, which is a shame but she does treat them nice. This could change later on! My girls are 9 and 13, so not young. They only go once a week.

Their fathers partner doesn't get involved in any school, medical or parenting issues as such as neither of us thought it was her place to be involved, maybe that would change the longer they've been together, but it has only been 2 years. I never ask her for childcare, and I never would. I'd never expect anything of her other than being kind to my girls, that's all I want really.

All I wanted was for her to make my child feel like he was welcomed and at home in his dad’s house.

She didn’t, and that’s why, as an adult, his relationship with his dad isn’t close.

Stupid cow. She knew he had a son when she married him.

I’ve been a step mum, and also have a child with a step mum. I have never, ever expected or wanted his step mum to provide childcare. Whereas the mum of my step children went ballistic when I told her I was no longer unpaid, unasked impromptu childcare (she replied that her kids didn’t need looking after - so they can stay in your home then and not be fobbed off to mine!)

She hasn’t spoken to me since. Which is zero loss to me!

I'm a stepmum, my stepkids are now adults. When I had my own kids I became a SAHM. I was happy to do some childcare, or go along to school stuff (I went to a couple of special assemblies, nativity and sports day) if both parents were working. It was nice to have them, and nice for them to see their siblings. It wasn't alway rosy, these things never are, but it worked in the main, until they moved away with their mum. (We still saw them regularly, but they were too far for me to do childcare)

Isn't it unrealistic to expect someone who is unrelated to your kids to love them? I don't even particularly like my bf's children, let alone love them.

Then you need to leave your boyfriend.

And no it's not unrealistic.

I love my friends children and they love mine.
Not on the same level obviously, but yes enough to be worried if they're unwell, to wish the best for them, to be rooting for them at sports events/school etc.

You have a bizarre attitude and I really hope you leave your boyfriend.

No, my stepdad loves me as his own. Has done for 37 years

You can hope away, I just don't spend time with him when he's with his kid. Not everyone loves children who aren't theirs. 🤷‍♀️

That's genuinely lovely but even on here, it's clear that people don't necessarily love their step children, especially if they have their own. Whether or not they admit it...

I think you are the one over stepping the line there. Entitled much?

Yeah I kinda get that, but expecting her to love them like they're her own is probably a step too far.

What has she done to piss you off in terms of over stepping, if you don't mind sharing?

I don't know how to do that, but someone else might come along who can. Maybe you can only do it on desktop, not app?

My mother's partner loves me deeply, and he's only been around for 16 years.

He loves my daughters' as biological grandchildren, he loves them as much as my mother does. He is their grandfather.

My mother in law loves my eldest and my youngest equally, despite only being blood related to one.

Her husband loves them equally despite not being blood related to either of them.

And if anyone ever so much as inferred otherwise in front of them....well I wouldn't want to witness that. Because hell would look like a pleasant alternative.

You have an agenda.

Mumsnet is definitely not representative of blended families.