If you're a mum with a child who has a stepmum...

[tiredofthiisshit21]

....what exactly do you expect from her in relation to your children?

Genuinely interested, based on a number of recent posts where mums have expected last minute childcare for their kids. Does this really happen a lot in the real world?

The mother of my stepkids has never expected a thing from me. I guess it helps that my husband properly parents and never fobs them off on me, or maybe I set my boundaries correctly from the outset.

Interested to hear thoughts.

I have a step son and I love him as much as my bio kids, but that’s probably down to the fact I’ve been in his life since he was a baby.

my eldest 2 kids have a step mum though, and my only expectation is that she makes them feel welcome and is kind to them when they visit her and their dad. I’m very much of the opinion that kids can never have too many people in their lives that care about them.

Like a previous poster, I had an expectation that she would be kind to DS and make him feel welcome when then. Unfortunately she very much did not, and his Dad turned a blind eye.
Now as a young adult he doesn't have a brilliant relationship with his Dad. They separated when DS was 12 but the damage was done. She was just very unpleasant, was very open about how inconvenient it was having DS appear every 2 weeks. Very sad really.

DS also has a stepdad, my husband. We've been together since he was 2. I've never had expectations for DH, it was his choice how much of a role he played in DS's life. As it is, he does as much for him as he does for our younger DS, which is nice. I don't know how he does it, but he's always been very respectful of DS's Dad and helped me to support their relationship even when he was furious over DS's dads behaviour at times.

Absolutely agree with your last sentence, I know some amazing blended familes with multiple "parents" and the children just seem to really thrive

I can only answer as a SM. In my case birth mum never ever made any expectations known to me, I don’t know why she would? Is there instances in your case? What are they?
SK were 5 & 3 when I met them, now 21 & 24. I have a fab relationship with both kids (even through a communication break down with brith mum 10years ago when 1 moved here).
I regularly had the kids for weekends, weeks at a time on my own, she must’ve trusted me enough to do so yet she wouldn’t even look my direction anymore (I would’ve considered her a friend at one point!) but hey ho that’s her problem not mine.
did I over step my “role” at any point, in the kids opinion - never. I parented when I needed to, I was their go to person with a problem, I was their friend, I suppose I was a bit like that mums best friend, pretend auntie type person and they know I still only have their best insterests at heart and no one gets everything right 100% of the time, me, dad, mum, the numerous stepdads they’ve had but neither do they.

To me, a stepmum should help guide, be kind to them, love them (in time) and just generally be there. That doesn’t mean more than dad in his presence because it’s his job but when you’ve become a family I guess it’s as a family you just deal with what’s in front of you

I was a step child and had a really good step mum. My mum had died which probably simplified the whole thing. My step siblings dad lived in the Caribbean and was a shit human being so all good there.

I'm a step mum and modeled myself on my DSM. However DSCs mum is a pretty poor human being. Absolutely incapable of putting anyone else's interests first and my god does she lie. Endless impact on my kids life. But DH no longer talks to her. DSC are teens. Relatively tranquil now.

I enjoy my DSC but find them rather passive. Probably more than DH enjoys my teens who are feminist and out spoken. Since I took a massive step back I feel less towards them generally. Which is good & bad for all concerned.

The partners /house mates the ExH had before he lost parental responsibility were a mixed bag. The first one was great and I continued contact with her for way longer than the relationship with their Dad.

The 2nd one was very bad news. She'd lost access to her kids and also enabled their fathers abuser of my DC. At 8&9 they said enough. And they have never been to his house again. There were 4 months in a visitors centre and that was the end. After an epic court battle.

Basically you have to take people as you find them. Don't feed bullshit to your kids and encourage them to think critically about what others say.

Always keep what's in your kids interest at the forefront. And slagging off step parents is never in the kids interests. Let them learn to judge people on the way they are treated and the way they treat others.

And I appreciate that's probably not quite what the op is asking. But it's a long way /time back to the top in the app.

Exactly this

Be fun & polite but back off

My sisters husband has been in my Dds life since she was 1. He's the best uncle ever and my dd spends a lot of time with my sister and him.
He definitely loves my dd and it's certainly not weird

Given my DDs experience with their father’s (now ex) wife if anyone of my kids ever have a step-mother I’d like her to accept they exist.

Not to openly attempt to cut them out of things.
Not to be overtly nasty to them.
To treat them as family (my girls weren’t invited to their half brothers christening as it was family only)

Luckily my DH isn’t a cock like my ex so if we ever split he wouldn’t let anyone treat them like that.

Treat them like they’d like a member of their own family to be treated would be my wish.

I totally disagree with this. I met my step daughter when she was 6 and she is now 21. I love her just as much as my own. She came to live with us when she was 15. My husband worked away and often it was just me and the kids. She comes to me for advice before going to her mum and dad and I will always be here for her. It doesn't bode well for your relationship if you don't even like them. Does he know you feel like that?

Thank you for this. I was starting to despair. I love my dsd just as much as my own. I would do almost anything for her.

My DH would jump through hoops of fire for my DCs - his DSCs and that is how it should be. He loves me - and them as an extension of me. I wouldn't even need to ask him to look after them, he would just do it.

I can almost guarentee that this poster's husband does far less for their children than the step mothers on here are expected to do but he is seen as some kind of hero for it because he's a man.

I feel like step parents can grow to love their step children over time but it can only happen if its allowed to develop naturally. The expectation of it happening immediately and treating a step parent like free back up childcare without even consulting them just breeds resentment and stops love developing.

I suspect that a marriage where one partner decides that they simply do not need to ask their partner about things that are demanding of time and energy and constrain their ability to do things (like looking after children is) and just expects them to do it anyway is in trouble.

That’s true in a nuclear family (where all too often men do just decide that their wife will be doing all the work and, therefore, she doesn’t need to be consulted about his night out/work trip abroad/golfing weekend/plan to go to the gym - she’s the default parent and he doesn’t need to check anything with her because his input is optional, with him deciding when, where and how).

It’s even more true in a stepfamily where the one who has simply decided it’s the other’s duty is the parent, and the person who is being expected to be delighted that they can’t make plans or have to give them up to look after their partner’s children is not the children’s parent.

And, yes, the gendered expectations in family life generally means that stepfathers probably aren’t being treated almost contemptuously as the default parent by their wives. So it’s often stepmothers whose husbands are swanning off doing what they like on the assumption that their wife should ‘jump through fire for his kids’ and, therefore, be delighted to be left with childcare again while he fucks off to the golf course. No need to ask. It’s her duty.

Jeez… reading some of this makes me properly sad!

I have been a step mum for 9 years now. I met my DH when SS was 1 and met SS for the first time 8 month later after my now DH explained to me that, unless this was serious, I wasn’t going to meet him (and rightly so).

I have loved SS ever since I met him. He’s an intelligent, thoughtful, happy, fun, wonderful boy and I am truly blessed to be a part of his life.

Things are not always rosy in blended families, we are luckier than some, but it isn’t always easy, but in our case both mum and dad parent 💯 supported by me and step dad and wider family on both sides. The main thing is that, above every, disagreement SS never knows and is put above everything in the adult relationships.

I do treat my SS like he is mine when he is at his house with Daddy, I was up with him the other night because he wasn’t feeling great having had the flu nasal spray the day before (only because I was the one awake anyway, I could have woken DH up, but didn’t see the point)…. I sometimes (not often as we tend to prioritise our time with him as family time) have him in my care for an hour or two if DH needs to work. We always offer to have him if needed for mum, but her and her DH have good familial support for SS and their other two children anyway.

I buy him clothes, he has all items here too so he doesn’t have to trek things back and forward when he comes, his own room that I took great care over designing and fitting out, I ensure he is well (and healthily fed), played with. He has great relationships with both mine and DH friends and their children…. He is a part of our family.

Same with his step dad, he also actively parents him in exactly the same way.

personally I am bless to have SS in my life and blessed to be a part of his life and I think that the more people in his life to set him great examples and teach and raise him well the better!!! It takes a village….

For the woman who said above ‘I don’t like my boyfriends child/children’ leave your BF (they were in his life first, will rightfully be forever and they carry his DNA) I am very sad that’s your attitude to be honest.

I think it largely depends on age from involvement etc however for the most part I would say to treat them with kindness.

I would expect them to be treated at the least the way a nephew/niece would be and anything more is a bonus.

This is true. However when mothers post about being treated as the default parent they are generally supported. Step mothers on the other hand get comments like:
You knew what you were getting into
That poor child
Leave your partner as you obviously hate his child
You sound cold
This makes me sad

And the list goes on.

As others have said: I hope she treats DD with kindness and consideration. I would never have expected anything in terms of childcare etc. This one seems nicer than previous ones which is good as the others made it very clear to DD she was a visitor in their home, whereas this one seems more welcoming.

Absolutely.

It’s infuriating.

I am happy for their step mums to be a friend or someone there but to not overstep boundaries. My sons step mother refers to him as her first born, and that she's his parents tries to dictate to me what we will do and won't let my ex husband communicate with me at all! Through fear of whatever I don't know, but my sons step mum has actually resulted on me
Going on snti depressente and she doesn't care.

I don't mean to be unkind but I think as per your current post.

Your ex has a lot to do with your mental state. That and the fact he keeps shagging you both while he's with the other. She sounds like a nightmare but I have to say your bigger problem is actually your ex...

Why should she care about you though you are no one to her and she's no one to you? Just insist on contacting your ex via email.

I don’t expect anything from my kids step-mum. She’s nice to them, that’s enough for me.
However, I do find it odd that after 8 years of being stepmum, she rarely looks after them on her own- on his access days if he needs childcare, they go to his mum.
I’ve been with DH 6 years and if I need childcare on my days, he’s the first person I ask.

I don't think that's odd. I think that's a good boundary.

I find it really odd that you’d willingly get into a relationship with a man who has kids but be so against looking after them. So odd.

Boundary? She refers to herself as stepmum, has always been quite hands on from what I hear. Families who live together having “boundaries” like that is weird.