If you're a mum with a child who has a stepmum...

[tiredofthiisshit21]

....what exactly do you expect from her in relation to your children?

Genuinely interested, based on a number of recent posts where mums have expected last minute childcare for their kids. Does this really happen a lot in the real world?

The mother of my stepkids has never expected a thing from me. I guess it helps that my husband properly parents and never fobs them off on me, or maybe I set my boundaries correctly from the outset.

Interested to hear thoughts.

How dare you suggest that it's a two way street!😉

This is exactly the right attitude. Zero conflict coupled with mutual respect and kindness.

@Pinkyxx that sounds awful, I think I read your other post.

I expect my son's step mum to be kind and consider his feelings and his needs when he's in their home. I wouldn't expect her to be my childcare. If his dad couldn't have him for any reason then it would come back to me. I wouldn't be happy if he was taking him for a weekend and then buffered off somewhere else. My son goes to his dads to spend time with his dad. If his dad isn't there then I want to spend that time with him. If I've got plans then I suck it up.

I am also a step mum and I'm kind and consider my step children and their needs and feelings while their in my home. If I was asked to look after my step children because my partner and their mum needed help then if I didn't have plans I would happily help out. I certainly wouldn't want to it be expected of me and to be default childcare. I love my partner and if it helps him by me stepping in when I can then I would.

I'm in a slightly unusual situation where my DCs have two stepmums. One who was in their life from slightly younger and treats them as her own, and one who is perfectly caring, but a bit more wary of herself as she met them when they were a bit older. Both work out brilliantly in their individual situations, and they both do a fantastic job with our children. I couldn't be happier with either of them 🙂 (signed, the actual mum)

There are many threads on here where a miserable, struggling SM is regularly being expected to look after the kids on mum's time, so if you have never seen this in action, you haven't been looking very hard. They are generally from the SM's perspective.

Of the one's that are a one off, like the one running currently that's no doubt being referenced here, the annoyance at being asked generally comes from the parent digging their heels in and being angry when told no. Hence, taking the piss, as this is not an appropriate way to respond when someone doesn't provide childcare for you.

Ahahahahaha!! And thus - the eternal dilemma of the stepmother! Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

I agree for me it is the absolute sense of entitlement that gets me. Ask for a favour sure, but that's what it is, a no obligation favour. No need to get all wound up when the answer is no.

It is, but she's not representative of step mums in general. Personally, I consider it equally offensive for mothers to dump their kids on step mums, and / or expect step mum's act as some kind of proxy parent or indeed 'love' kids who are not theirs. I've read some outrageous things on this board, and frankly don't know how some step mums put up with the sheer level of entitlement they come up against. I also don't buy into the often cited notion of ''the OW syndrome'' being some kind of justification for unacceptable behavior and / or expectations (initial shock / upset accepted, we are only human after all). Don't get me started on mothers who seemingly encourage their kids to defy the step mum or say unkind things about her - as I told my DD, you don't have to love or even like her, but you will treat her with respect in her own home. May seem unfair in my DD's situation but her step mother's poor behaviour doesn't change the standards I hold my DD to. I was mortified when, at age 7, my DD gleefully said to me step mum is fat and ugly isn't she? She wanted me to endorse that view and join in with disparaging her. I was livid and told her that in our family we do not talk about people that way. I never wanted to hear her speak about anyone that way again, ever. I felt bad as I understood she was struggling with step mum saying very unpleasant stuff about me, but I didn't want my daughter turning into that kind of person.

Either way, it's the children I feel bad for.

My dd is adult now but has had a step mother since she was a child.

I expect nothing.

Access was to see her father not play happy families.

My only expectation of her was to be kind to my small child and not attempt to come between him and his dad.

13 years on, she has met that expectation and been a great addition to his life. She does things for him that I very much appreciate, but I don't ask for. She has supported all of us through some hard times, and stepped in a few times as the only one he would speak to when upset with his dad and I/the world in general.

But she also tells him straight when he's pushing his luck, or causing us to worry about him. So he has the odd moan about that, same as he does about his dad and I, but I do tell him he's lucky to have her, and she might not get it 100% right all the time, but that none of us do.

She has her own tiny DC now, so I know she doesn't love him the same way she loves them, but the love is still there. Ive heard it said on the phone between them and it always makes me count my blessings, especially considering what I read on here.

I dont get this they have a father - SM should do nothing for them. If I am cooking a meal, I cook it for all resident children mine or DPs on that day as does he when he is cooking.

@lookluv it's more that child has a father who is responsible for doing everything and the SM doesn't have responsibility.

For example, if I am cooking dinner then of course I will cook some for DSDs and I will make an effort to cook something they like (pescatarian, not spicy, no broccoli .... a small sample of the long list of food that they will not eat). However, if I don't feel like cooking I don't. Their dad does not have the luxury of not cooking if he doesn't feel like it because he has a responsibility to make sure his kids eat.

Sometimes the situation with step family is so awful and I think it is because the mothers and the stepmothers do not get on so the children follow suit.

A friend of mine who is lovely met a man who had been separated from his wife for many years living alone but in reasonable contact with the wife and daughter.

When the wife found out about my friend she re-wrote history and said she had broken the marriage up which was nonsense.

The daughter has now taken up the gauntlet and my friend is persona non grata. It has caused her a lot of anguish since she thought the daughter and her were friends, and she helped her financially and with other things. She is not allowed at the daughter's house and has not seen the new baby.
Sometimes you have to accept a situation for what it is and move on.
My friend is OK now but it has taken a long time for her to stop caring.
The ex wife will be thinking she has 'won', but what was the prize I wonder?

I am heartened to see so many sensible replies and so glad I posted this - it's making me feel better about the whole stepmum situation and particularly my own circumstances where I certainly don't love my stepsons like my own and sometimes feel a little bit lacking for that. But what I do for them is pretty much what most of you have said that you would expect so that's good to hear.

There are many threads on here where a miserable, struggling SM is regularly being expected to look after the kids on mum's time

I don’t know why it’s just assumed that the stepmum is part of the mum’s support network.

I have a day off work Friday to look after my Step Grandson. I don't do it often but I can't wait.

He calls me Nanna.

I think the relationship with my Step Children are different to some on here.

And this is great and your choice but presumably if you'd decided you didn't want to no one would decide you were evil for this

I have a daughter who has a step mum and I am a step mum to two beautiful girls.

I don't expect much of my daughters step mum tbh. Just for her to be kind and make sure my daughter always feels welcome in the home. She's lovely but I don't really have much to do with her. My daughter is 13 and very self sufficient though.

Step daughters are much younger (6 and 8) and I've been in their lives for about 4 years so we are quite a bit closer and I generally do more with them. By that I mean I help with bed times, homework, school drop offs etc. I always make sure I take the back seat though when it comes to decisions about them and their schooling etc. that's over to mum and dad. I think at that age it's a bit different as they need looking after and comfort much more than a teenager does.

I don't know because I went into my marriage knowing that my DH had children and that was my choice. The SC were also half siblings to our DC so I enjoyed us all spending time together as a family.

I've known my SC for a long time now and both their DF and DM's new married partners have an important role in their lives.

I suppose I'm lucky that my SC class us at two families and we are all very close.

I did help out when they were younger but my DH never put on me. Maybe once or twice but I stood my ground.

I'm a mum whos children has a step mum.

I find the level of contempt of step moms in some comments quite shocking to be truthful. We are taking of children not possession after all.

All I ask is she's kind to my children.
That's it. I don't expect her to look after them unless a life of death emergency (me or my ex working doesn't constitute for that in my book).

After reading some of these comments though I might get my children's step mom a extra nice bottle of wine for Christmas, I didn't realise so many women are dealing with so much bullshit.

There are many threads on here where a miserable, struggling SM is regularly being expected to look after the kids on mum's time, so if you have never seen this in action, you haven't been looking very hard. They are generally from the SM's perspective.

This is really the dad/man who causes this to happen. He's the coparent and he needs to quite simply tell his Ex that his wife/partner, the SM, isn't her babysitter.

He really doesn't even need to bother his wife when the demands or requests of his Ex.

I actually really wish my step children's mum wasn't such a nasty person.
It would be amazing if we were all working together to raise the children instead of it being a constant battle and rollercoaster depending on her current emotions.

I don't understand how she can still be so bitter and angry about everything 7 years on! (I was never the other women and their relationship was nothing serious)

Wouldn't it be easier for her life if she could share the joys & successes with their dad but also speak to him regarding her concerns and worries about them?! It's just bizarre to me and also such a shame.

That's so lovely. We need more mum's like you!!

Thanks..... But that isn't actually what i asked!

Every family is different, what works for one will not work for another, I'm 46 my step dad is more important to me than my bio dad (he is around). SD came to parents evening, taught me to drive, drove me to hobbies, told me he was proud of me, I feel as important to him as my half siblings, we lost my mum earlier on in the year and yesterday I was over at his house helping him with pensions and banking paperwork. What I'm trying to say is find your own balance, your own expectations, there is no one side fits all