If you're a mum with a child who has a stepmum...

[tiredofthiisshit21]

....what exactly do you expect from her in relation to your children?

Genuinely interested, based on a number of recent posts where mums have expected last minute childcare for their kids. Does this really happen a lot in the real world?

The mother of my stepkids has never expected a thing from me. I guess it helps that my husband properly parents and never fobs them off on me, or maybe I set my boundaries correctly from the outset.

Interested to hear thoughts.

I’m the same position as you OP. I don’t get asked which suits me fine as I wouldn’t help anyway.
I do however help my partner occasionally.

I dont get this they have a father - SM should do nothing for them. If I am cooking a meal, I cook it for all resident children mine or DPs on that day as does he when he is cooking.

If I am late home he feeds them and vice versa - we are a team looking after his DCS and my DCS.

I thank god every day that SM2 is in my DCS life now

@lookluv so do I. I cook for all the kids when it's my turn, and I do the washing (not always - my husband does it too). But I don't technically parent or provide childcare. I never said I do an absolutely nothing for them.

Just purely to be nice to them. That's it. I feel everything else is their dads responsibility. She can do things if she wants to, over and above being nice but I don't expect her to.

As it turns out she does do more, and that's great, but I still don't expect her to. She gives on child a lift somewhere one day a week because I am elsewhere with the other child, this is something exH asked her to do and she agreed. If she couldn't/decided she no longer wanted to it would be mine and exH problem to sort, I think it's a bonus she does it at all.

I'd expect her to be a responsible adult when my child was with her.

Be kind to my child.

Respect my child's boundaries.

Contact me if needed.

I’m as certain as I can be that you owe this woman an apology.

Step-parents can't be expected to love children that aren't theirs - that is ridiculous. Love might develop and it's great if it does, but it can't be expected or forced. It depends entirely on the people and the situation.

All you can expect is for them to treat children well, accept their presence as part of the family, and understand that children's needs will almost always take priority over adults.

@twoandone yeah it's really nice. I love that her stepmums family are so nice. And her stepmum has the same views on my ex's family as I do! Lol!

My DS has a stepmum. I don’t expect anything of her. It’s not my business who his dad has in his life. I just have to trust his judgement.

DS likes her, as far as I’m aware. I don’t quiz him about these things (because I don’t think that’s fair on him).

That’s the thing about separating. You are giving up influence on part of your children’s lives - the part where they’re with their father. Having expectations about his subsequent partners would feel very much like overstepping the boundaries in relation to my role in my ex’s life.

I don't think any mum in the examples I have ever seen on MN expects habitual levels of care from the SM or takes the piss.

But if the mum asks for one off childcare as a favour from the SM I.e. something happened at work, domestic emergency, special occasion etc, then posters act like they've been asked to suck vomit through a straw.

The levels of disrespect, lack of household and family cooperation and blatant/open dislike of their own DH's DCs that I have seen on here beggars belief. It's fine not to like other people's children but then why the fuck marry someone who already has kids???

My DH would jump through hoops of fire for my DCs - his DSCs and that is how it should be. He loves me - and them as an extension of me. I wouldn't even need to ask him to look after them, he would just do it.

I am married to two of my children’s ‘step dad’ I would be heartbroken if he treated my children like some of you ‘step mums’! He treats them like his own, he takes them out on their own or with our other children, he’ll look after them, pick them up from school, come to sports days and Christmas plays - they also have a step mum and I would like to think she is the same with them as my husband is. They are part of his family and he knew I had kids when we met!

Great to have so many answers to a question that I didn't actually ask 🙄

I certainly couldn't "love like them like my own." I don't love anyone the way I love my children.

I mean this pretty much sums up the "stepmum dilema"

Can their dad not feed them?

Assuming you mean contact you if needed if dad can't then I think that's fair. I've got mum's number written down somewhere in case the worst happens and the DSC and DH aren't able to phone her in an emergancy.

Yes, but you expect her to love them as her own. Do you not see how that blurs the lines?

I love my stepchildren, but not in the way I love my own. I'd liken it more to how I love my nieces and nephews. I think they're amazing kids and I adore them, but neither their mum nor their dad expect me to love them like they're my own. Nor do they expect me to do any of the parenting.

And as a stepchild myself, I'd say the kids themselves don't want that. They want to be made welcome, to be treated with kindness, to be allowed time with their parent, to be included in family life and to have their other parent respected (no badmouthing).

I do expect her to treat her kindly, with decency and make her feel welcome in her Dad's home. The way you would treat a child who comes for a play date with your child for example - she would be nice.

I do not expect (or want) my DD's step mum to love, or parent my child. I also do not expect ( or want ) her to provide childcare of any form. I do not expect her to cook, clean, tidy or do laundry for my daughter. I do not expect her to collect her from school. I do not expect her to ask my ex to cancel contact, reduce contact or demand my ex take me to court for a change of residence. I do not expect she says unpleasant things about me to my child, or contacts me to explain what an awful disgusting person and bad mother I am. I do not expect her to pressure my daughter to live with her ''real family''.
I do not expect her to refuse to allow my daughter to spend at least some of the contact time with her father, just the 2 of them. I do not expect her to admonish my daughter for saying that the male children in their household should be punished when they hit her. I do not expect her to punish my daughter for things her sons do, and then blame on my daughter ( especially when her sons stand behind their mother smirking and laughing while she rips into my daughter doling out the latest punishment).

Most recently, I did not expect that she would insist her teenage son be granted full access and right of entry whenever he wants to my teenage daughter's room in their home. I do not expect my daughter to be told she is not allowed to close her bedroom door.
I did not expect her to not understand that 2 unrelated teenagers of the opposite sex need rules so that neither party feels uncomfortable when changing and no party has to deal with a teenager of the opposite sex bursting into their room when they are partially dressed. I did not expect her to
argue they are ''siblings'' and ''siblings'' go freely between each others bedrooms because they ''love each other'' as an excuse. I would like to not have been put in the position to have to say that DD would not be coming again until her son's right of entry was removed. I would like to have not been accused of alienation as a result of what felt like a reasonable and necessary position on my part, aimed purely at protecting my daughter.

Having been a step mum and with my own kids, I can say I’d want someone to be kind and tolerant.

Don’t think so Judy, pick your audience!

Step mum bingo in one paragraph. You expect another woman to love your children like her own yet not overstep your boundaries?

Poor woman can't win, can she?

I think generally kids don’t want their step parent to love them ‘as their own’ unless there is a very long, trusted, two way natural relationship that has built up over time, and that their own Dad or Mum are also OK with another parent being loved in that way.

Most parents or kids find it very difficult for a step parent to step into a role that really is for a mum and dad. Especially a step mum, even if the mum has gone off or died, you still generally had to walk a fine line with acknowledging that their own mum is ‘the mum’ and that your role is different and not number one for them usually.

@Pinkyx I think I’d be having a serious word with the father around some of those issues as they are safeguarding, and getting advice from Childine if he refuses.

I don’t expect anything from DS1 step mum. She doesn’t want a “mum role “ to ds1 and what family situation they have at his dads is not my business as longs as they’re happy that’s all that matters

I do expect my DS1 to be respectful towards his stepmother. I met her before her and ex became a thing as she worked with him and from what I know she’s a lovely lady who has 2 lovely kids.