If you're a mum with a child who has a stepmum...

[tiredofthiisshit21]

....what exactly do you expect from her in relation to your children?

Genuinely interested, based on a number of recent posts where mums have expected last minute childcare for their kids. Does this really happen a lot in the real world?

The mother of my stepkids has never expected a thing from me. I guess it helps that my husband properly parents and never fobs them off on me, or maybe I set my boundaries correctly from the outset.

Interested to hear thoughts.

I think in relation to childcare that sometimes even 2 good parents need a hand now and then. So while I would not expect a step parent to 'parent', as a part of the family I would probably expect (and appreciate) help in an emergency in the same way i would from a grandparent / close friend etc.

My dd stepmum has offered to have her in holidays as she's off with her own dc, I wouldn't expect it of her! I wouldn't ask her unless it was an emergency.

I actually get on quite well with her, she loves my dd and her family have accepted her as one of their own. Tbh, if her and my ex split, I'd still let my dd stay in contact with them as they are more family than my ex's family are!!!

I find it sad that you would never help your partner with his children when they should be the most important thing in his life. Emergencies inevitably occur and life is so much nicer with a bit of support from one's partner.

This warms my heart. I hope my blended family can achieve these levels of kindness

I expect her to be nice and respectful to my children which she is.
I expect her to discipline them however she sees fit when she’s with them.
I don’t expect to use her as childcare but on the days my kids are with their dad she may help if he is working etc and she’s off work.
I expect her to respect me and I respect her in return. I don’t question how she chooses to parent my kids when I’m not there. Mutual respect.

I maintain that lots of people do not love their partner's kids like their own. And lots of people do not love spending time around other people's kids. I would never expect any other woman to love my children like their own, as I say it's wholly unrealistic.

I don't want anything from her. I don't want her to love my children, they are mine.

I'd like her to be polite, feed them and not overstep into anything that would be deemed my territory.

She did take my ex (I am pleased ....now) when my youngest was 3 months so maybe my opinion is harsh.

She can have him but leave my children alone.

I am a stepmum and my own children have a stepmum.

My husband's ex does everything in her power to restrict my relationship with his children, she says horrible things about me and tells them I am the reason that she can't do x y z. She's poisonous.

My ex's partner, I have no expectations. I actually already know her and know that she's a decent person. I guess I just expect her to be kind to them. She has her own DC so unlikely to want to parent mine.

Why should she feed your kids? Don't they have a father? Stepmothers are expected to do everything but not be allowed any feelings or to actually love these children in their lives. Bizarre

I would find it bloody weird for an unrelated male to declare they love my child

Someone who could live with them most of their childhoods? I'd be far more uncomfortable with someone seeing my kids day in day out and not having feelings towards them.

Why should she feed your kids? Don't they have a father? Stepmothers are expected to do everything but not be allowed any feelings or to actually love these children in their lives. Bizarre

Yep that's exactly it. She is not their 'step mum' she is Dad's gf. Had they met under different circumstances then my opinion may be different. But as she's partly responsible for their Dad no longer living with his children (I said partly). Then that kind of woman I'd really like them to have limited interaction with.

I expected my DCS to be treated fairly and kindly and be welcome in their fathers house ie, their home. SM1 spectacularly failed in all aspects of human decency and gave all SMs an awful name. She was the epitome of evil.

SM2 on the other hand - behaves like a favourite aunt, gets it right - discipline, praise and communication. Thank god for SM2 because they would not have the relationship they have now with their DF but for her. It is not perfect but it is not in the abyss fo shit it was in when he left SM1.

SAdly SM1 still has power over their lives due to their other sibling.
If I had my choice she would be in jail for the shit she did but then 3 DCS would lose their DM. In the mean time I rely on karma as she continues to stalk me, impinge on my life and still trys to create shit - darling move on. Justice will one day be served.

“I'd like her to be polite, feed them and not overstep into anything that would be deemed my territory”.

Territory?! This isn’t an international boundary dispute - they are children. And only 50% yours.

Despite clear examples above?

I'd find it bloody weird if any adult, actively involved with a child in a familial setting didn't love the child after a period of time.

I certainly don't find it weird that my husband "and unrelated male" loves our daughter.

Or my mother's partner loves me (and I him)

Or my uncle loves me, and I him.

We aren't talking about a person that's been around for a few weeks obviously, but over years... yes...love should develop.

I'll be devastated and a bit broken when my uncle dies. Or is that weird because he's not a relation, other than by marriage?

@Callmejudy ok so I've read your thread (only the initial post) and I'm confused as to why she contacted your mum and not you, and why your mum thinks she has the authority to agree this? Very odd. They were both in the wrong but I maintain my opinion that my expecting the SM to love your kids 'as her own' then you are creating a situation where she is more prone to overstep. You can't have it both ways. They're your kids, not hers. I'm sure you wouldn't argue with that.

Territory?! This isn’t an international boundary dispute - they are children. And only 50% yours.

Not really. He (ex) made his choice when youngest was 3 months old. He continues to do minimal. He was offered 50% custody and she turned it down. I do everything. They are most definitely more than 50% mine.

Well the thread title was relating to step mums so I assumed that's what you were talking about. It's bloody hard to see another woman with your ex and in your children lives especially as in your case she was a factor in your split.

Youngest DS has been a stepmum for 4 years and has 4 others, I just want DS to feel included when he stays there (which he does).

My eldest DS hadn’t seen his dad for 9 years (ex choice - I offered plenty of opportunity) now he has a new partner and baby - they’ve only been together a year and seen DS twice. She always oversteps the mark - posted him at Xmas in photos from a photoshoot the first time she’d ever met him and put it on social media so they looked like family photos. I don’t class her as his step mum but she deffo considers herself his stepmum. They’ve not been involved enough in his life to earn that title.

I'd be happy if she just hid her disdain for my child better. DD knows stepmum doesn't like her and that's heartbreaking. I don't expect anything like childcare etc, that's ok her dad to arrange with stepmum if appropriate

Sorry that’s all garbled!

Thought the same😂

To be an ally and to protect them from their Dad.