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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Expected to look after stepchildren

147 replies

Kelliesmile · 17/10/2022 12:08

My husband has 2 children from a previous relationship and they both come to stay every weekend. They live over a hours drive away and I collect them on a Friday and take them back on a Sunday evening, we did not have them this last weekend just gone as they were away with their mother. My husband has now just called me asking me to pick them up as they are now home from the weekend away and will be staying with us for the whole week as it is half term (first I've heard of it) So here is my issue, I am on annual leave this week but my husband isnt. He does not have a day off until Saturday. I have made arrangements for this week to catch up with friends, go shopping, have a pamper day ect but now I am unable to do this as I will have to look after the children (aged 5 and 7) while my other half is at work 10 hours a day! I have told him I am not fetching them as I am about to meet a friend for coffee and this should of been discussed with me not just expected of me. My husband is fuming with me and saying I've got to fetch them as the kids mum has made plans now and it's not fair if she has to cancel them!! WTF, what about my plans.... Am i the one being unreasonable here? Nobody has asked me to look after the children all week and I just presumed the next time we had them would be at the weekend. This is my first lot of anual leave since June and was really looking forward to the plans I'd made. My own children are in there late teens so do not need looking after so surely I am free to do what ever I want whilst im off work and not have to look after my step children (who by the way are lovely and we have a really good relationship) Do I ring the ex and explain im busy and could possibly cancel some plans later in the week? (although i dont see why i should have too) or give in and just fetch them? Either way someone is not going to be happy, that being me taking care of 2 kids all week on my own, my other half cause hes upset the ex or the ex herself cause she won't get a child free week (bearing in mind she has every weekend child free) I'm actually quite upset my husband and his ex have made this arrangement without even checking it was ok with me first

OP posts:

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 17/10/2022 12:10

Your husband is being completely unreasonable here. Of course you shouldn't have to cancel your plans! He should have asked you weeks ago!

LizTrussIsACylon · 17/10/2022 12:10

I wouldn't ring the ex. I'd leave DH to sort it out. He should have consulted with you first. Don't cancel your plans. If you do it this time then it will become a general expectation that you are the default childcare.

DismantledKing · 17/10/2022 12:11

Your idiot husband should be sorting this out.
The bloody nerve of it!

Jagley · 17/10/2022 12:11

You don't need to do anything, you weren't asked, so you have made your own plans. You don't need to contact the ex, your DH does. This is one for DH and his ex to sort out between them. Enjoy your plans.

Fraaahnces · 17/10/2022 12:12

Your DH needs to take some time off, get in his car and look after his own kids. He is taking the piss. You are absolutely not a wicked stepmother because you choose not to be used as a babysitter by your DH.

NoDairyNoProblem · 17/10/2022 12:13

Your DH is being ridiculous. It’s not your responsibility to cancel plans to indulge his either poor planning or devious planning.

Yousee · 17/10/2022 12:15

He has agreed to have his children without clearing it with the help (you) first. The help wasn't on stand by ready to leap into action the second fingers were clicked. Boohoo. It's very much a him problem and you should hold firm on this.
The bleeding hearts brigade will be along to sob about the poor children being family blah blah blah but that's not the point. The two parents made a decision about their children, and you get to make decisions too. If you are not given the courtesy of being included in the making of the decisions then it stands to reason you will not be bearing the burden of them.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2022 12:18

Your DH is completely unreasonable. You should not cancel any of your plans, he will need to find a different solution with someone he actually asked (or himself).

TugboatAnnie · 17/10/2022 12:19

Going forward, how would he see his dc if you didn't collect them? If he is going to be unreasonable about this week then a bit of unreasonableness from you re taxiing might make him see sense. Please don't say you do everything for them every weekend otherwise that's another conversation to be had.

Pugalicious · 17/10/2022 12:21

It's your own fault OP

Why are you the taxi here every weekend? Answer that and you will have the solution

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2022 12:22

Don't change your plans! Your husband is completely taking you for granted. Why do you pic the kids up, doesn't your husband have a car?

theemmadilemma · 17/10/2022 12:23

No, no, and no.

Without discussing it with you at all? Nope, I'd have to stand firm on that one.

SurpriseSurprise · 17/10/2022 12:23

Did he assume you were off work to look after them?

I agree you shouldn’t be main taxi driver too

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 17/10/2022 12:25

No don't cancel any plans.

Why hasn't he taken the week off work to look after them? They are his and ex's children they need to sort out childcare not you! You are not a free nanny!

Stick to your guns otherwise they'll continue to take the piss. And no more picking them up/dropping them off either your husband should be doing this h

Dragonskin · 17/10/2022 12:26

No don't ring the ex, just tell your husband that you have plans this week and nothing has been agreed with you, so unless he intends on taking the week off to look after his children, you will fetch them as normal on Friday.

This is between him and their mother, it's not your problem to fix

DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2022 12:27

Be aware that whatever you do now will create a precedent. If you do what he says ( not even asked or consulted) then it will be assumed that actually you are fine re-arranging your plans to accommodate their whims. They will assume you are at their beck and call to facilitate their lives, and they will continue disrespecting you.

Dragonskin · 17/10/2022 12:28

Actually good point by PP, why are you the one fetching them at all?

FrazzleDazz · 17/10/2022 12:28

Firstly, is there a particular reason that you do the two (?) hour round trip to collect & return them normally? I suspect in doing so you've made a rod for your own back (no judgment I have done the same in the past!). BUT you are definitely not there to drop all plans for the week to look after your DH kids on a moment notice. As for DH being annoyed that his EXW has to cancel plans, he is insane. You are under no obligation to do anything, you have a severe DH problem here. If he wants to see them he can sort it.

Ergonomicallydesigned · 17/10/2022 12:29

Does your DH realise these are his children? You’re not obligated to look after them during half term, that’s between their father and the children’s mother unless you’ve specifically said you’re happy to help out.

fatgirlslimmer · 17/10/2022 12:29

How long have you been together? Has he never discussed arrangements with you before and when did he arrange this week?

I absolutely would not be giving up my week for anyone, talk about being taken for granted I would be furious. He will need to sort it with his ex, I wouldn't be ringing her either, is he always this arrogant?

LavenderfortheBees · 17/10/2022 12:31

Do nothing. Not even ringing their mum. This is his problem and he needs to solve it. If he fetches them then he will need to take time off work as you will be out. Leave before him in the morning if needs be.

Why are you being their taxi anyway? Do you pay the petrol as well for that?

DPotter · 17/10/2022 12:33

Totally unreasonable of your DH.

Leave him to get back to his ex to sort things out.

And why do you fetch the children each weekend and take them home ? This needs to stop as well. Your DH is seeing you as the children's main carer when it's meant to be him.

You've been kind - and now as they say 'No good deed goes unpunished', and your DH is taking advantage of that fact.

Stand your ground here Kelliesmile - you deserve your full week off, enjoying meeting up with your friends !!

ploed · 17/10/2022 12:33

They are not your children.

If he and she expected you to look after them 5 days whilst dad was working, this should have been agreed in advance.

This isn't an emergency situation so stick to your guns.

Soontobe60 · 17/10/2022 12:36

He’s out of order. However, I’d probably pick up the children this time as I wouldn’t want them to stuck in the middle.
I would, however, sit down with him and look very carefully at who dies what from now on.

GroggyLegs · 17/10/2022 12:39

"No, I can't look after Emily and Trevor all week DH."
And that's enough really. But if you feel you must add more...

"If you'd bothered to ask me whether I a) wanted to provided childcare all week on my week off and 2) whether I was available to do that before cementing a plan it with your XW, I would have told you I could not, and you could have made other arrangements. But you didn't ask & here you are"

This is all on him & if he continues to sulk after his initial defensive reaction to realising he's made a royal fuck up and made a lot of assumptions about his DW being his personal childcare facilitator, that's another issue altogether.

I assume your DH is always appreciative of your twice weekly 2-hour round trips to pick up his kids?

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