Struggling with know it all SD

[north2south]

I'm really struggling with my SD and don't know how to make it better. I want to be supportive of my OH and make it easy for him but I'm at the point where I'm struggling to like her. I've been in her life since she was 4 and she's now 9. I thought by now I would have adapted but I'm struggling more now than at the beginning. I just find she's not a nice person. Entitled, attention seeking and now a know it all... I've got a 5mth old and she's taken to try and tell me how to parent... I mean... I can't even!!! "You need to do this, you need to do that " I snapped the other day (after ignoring for 5mths) when she tried to tell me how to feed my daughter (she's refusing the bottle and will only take it from me with some persuasion and patience) and I said "I don't need you to tell me how to feed my daughter " I'd be mad if my own mother tried that! Then I was straightening her hair for her to go out for her father's birthday "you want to be more careful putting those straighteners on my bed " I've been using straightness since I was 11 love I think I've got this!! Sorry this had become a rant. I just don't know how to stop feeling so frustrated and irritated by her know it all attitude. I'm struggling to even pretend to enjoy her company anymore! Anyone else struggle with anything similar?

Following as my SD is 8 and is the same...

@DaimDillyDoo are you finding it has hard to deal with as I am? X

Can you or her father talk to her about the way she comes across. She sounds insecure and like she is trying to be clever, but isn't self aware enough to realise its just obnoxious.
I think she needs coaching and advice on social skills. Especially if she is also like this with her peers, she won't keep many friends being like that.

I think that sounds quite typical of little girls I know a few like this, it doesn’t mean that bad or know it all’s it’s just their underdeveloped brain is copying what they hear adults say. Don’t let it get to you, just remind her she’s not an adult and not to talk to you like that.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose obnoxious is the perfect word I've been looking for actually. I haven't spoken to her father about it actually but it's probably worth while before I snap. She's is a very intelligent young girl but she needs to understand the difference between sharing knowledge and being a know it all... especially when your wrong and it's a topic you know nothing about 🤣🤣

Funny you said about the friends thing that's exactly what I've been thinking. Certain things have happened at school as well which I think could be due to that

Great advice thank you @Nevertouchakoala I think sometimes I'm frightened to say anything to her that's a "telling off" (for want of a better phrase as I'd never shout at her) in case my OH doesn't agree with it or she goes back to her mum and causes issues for my OH. However I think it's needed in this situation x

Your post reads as if this behaviour has been happening for five months, and so coincides with the arrival of your new baby. Could some of it be a combination of her insecurities and your tiredness with a newish baby?

Most things improve with communication I think. Chat to her dad before this wins you up so much you can't talk about it constructively. Meanwhile if she still has bedtime stories (my dd9 does) can you find a book that covers this topic and start a conversation.
Or use coaching techniques, so instead of biting back you say (with a nice even calm voice) things like,
'when you use a high-handed tone like that to tell me something we both know I don't need help with it comes across as lecturing and makes me feel patronised, since I actually am helping to bring you up that's quite disrespectful and it causes unpleasant feelings, I thought you should know as I'm sure you don't want to do that on purpose, perhaps you are just trying to show you are growing up, but this isn't a good way to do that. I wonder if you do it with other people and whether you've noticed if it effects your friendships?

Or something along those lines.
Coaching is making an observation on what someone does and the effect of it and then allowing their natural inclination to want to do their best to guide their next move armed with that information. It's a good positive way to drive change without conflict.

TBF I think it's just the age. My own DSS(8) is like this, but equally so is my friend's 8 year old DS with her. They just think they know everything at this age.

I just remind DSS politely that I'm the adult, and I'm in charge. With things like parenting DS(4) I just remind him I'm the mother and I'll make the decisions. I try to include him in things with DS that make him feel grown up like helping DS brush his teeth or make muffins etc.

Could you have her help you out? Maybe picking baby's outfit for the day and she will feel grown up making some decisions?

Honestly I think it's the age. I think they are suddenly aware of themselves in a different way at this age. I don't have sc but my (now adult) DD was hardest to parent between 7 and 9. Everything was a tension between us (not so much her dad, interestingly). At one point she wanted to take up the same sport I've got to a high level in and I had to say no, that I thought that would be really bad for our relationship because she wouldn't listen to me and would be trying to tell me how to do stuff. (She took up a related sport that I was not expert in and it was much much better for us). If you can ride it out (albeit explaining why certain things are wrong or annoying but in a kind way) I honestly think it will get better. My dd has genuinely been a dream to parent since she was about 10.

@Rtmhwales some great tips there thank you. Yeah I've got her involved before with helping me change her or bath her etc although if I'm brutally honest recently I use the bath and bedtime as an escape 😔 bad I know but it just gives me the rest bite I need by that point of the day x

Thank you @Readmorebooks I'm really hoping it's a face and from the sounds of it there is light at the end of the tunnel. My OH says she gets it from her mother so it will either get better or a whole lot worse haha x

@HDready can't rule it out. I could have blamed tiredness at the beginning but she's a dream now, not to say I'm not still hormonal. I think that's why I've sat on it so long as I'm trying to blame it on being over sensitive or tired or irritable however after this amount of time I don't think it's me anymore it's behaviour that kindly needs to be addressed x

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose can you be my life coach please? 😂 is it to soon to ask you to move in? 😂 thank you! I'm definitely going to have your (written) voice in my head next time it comes around xx

I only had to read the title of the thread to guess her age correctly. It's definitely a thing but sounds amplified because of the new baby.

You need to speak to DH so he can reassure her and maybe bump up the 1:1 time.

Totally understand how it would be really grating, though. Calmly remind her that you are adult/parent every time. Could she have some specific 'big girl' tasks that she is charge of to offset the need to bossy on a wider level?

Totally off-topic, I know, but is her mum ok with straighteners?

To be fair that's most 9 year olds. They know everything, didn't you know?!

My own DD likes to tell me what to do a lot 😒 I think you just need to smile and nod and let them think they're being helpful

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with being a SD. I found lots of 9 year old girls to be pretty obnoxious. Most of them grew out of it by about 12/13.

Some really good suggestionss but the language that cleopatra is suggestng could terminate any 9yr old relationship

when you use a high-handed tone like that to tell me something we both know I don't need help with it comes across as lecturing and makes me feel patronised, since I actually am helping to bring you up that's quite disrespectful and it causes unpleasant feelings, I thought you should know as I'm sure you don't want to do that on purpose, perhaps you are just trying to show you are growing up, but this isn't a good way to do that. I wonder if you do it with other people and whether you've noticed if it effects your friendships?

This is a 9yr old girl not an adult, designed to crush and put down someone in such a horrible way - make it child friendly please - that amount of negative feedback in one go would wilt many an adult let alone a 9yr old.

I have also noticed this is a thing with my eight year old daughter and some of her friends. It is definitely annoying but I'm trying not to come down too hard on her. I had very strict, crtitical parents and remembering how they treated me is a large part of my attempts to parent - as in I try not to do the same. I remember I must have gone through the same phase because I remember how my mother handled it (badly), because what I also remember is that I was just desperately trying to be grown up and wanted to feel included, I wanted to be part of things the way the other adults were. As a parent now I do get how annoying it is but I'm trying not to crush my daughter's spirit by letting her know that! Probably best to try and ignore it and wait for the phase to pass, but also take some time to include her in a way that doesn't invite this kind of behaviour.

As several others have said I’m afraid it’s the age! My dsd who is 9 can be like this too. Infuriating for both her dad and I at times. Argumentative, always thinks she is right & even when shown she is wrong tries to twist things to be in the right, corrects us on minor things, pushes for more when she’s already been given extra (e.g can I stay up for 5 more minutes, we agree, then she’s says ok how about 10 minutes then!).
She is just testing boundaries. Really infuriating at times & hard to handle in a calm manner.
I understand you don’t want to overstep in parenting her but would you allow any other child (say a niece) to speak to you like that? It is totally fair enough to remind her that you are an adult with far more experience & knowledge than her & that she is being disrespectful & rude. Ask her if she would speak to her teachers like that!
Good luck & make sure you have times you can both enjoy together!

I think something happens at about 8/9 years old as my DSC both went through a similar age. It will hopefully pass.

Definitely something about the age. They're getting to an in between age at 9. They're still little but are finding their place in the world. They're forming opinions on the world and think they can do/be absolutely anything and they have all the answers to everything under the sun.

Over the coming 12 months, she'll settle again and start to see she's one human in a big world - I sometimes think that realisation is a bit sad and as annoying as the current "know it all" phase is I do love the maverick "I can conquer the world" attitude of a 9yo.

Thanks for you reply @MeridianB

So I have very little communication with the mum. It takes her to communicate with my OH and that's via text only! I just go with what I know she's allowed to do at home and she got her own curling iron for Christmas last year. I do it has a bonding thing between us me doing her hair as always been our little thing since she was little. Although she doesn't need me as much anymore 🙂

Thanks - at least you won't be in the firing line for that! Totally understand the bonding thing.

She is a child. Just smile and ignore her. Or give her a hug and say you are a great little help to me. What you are doing is rejecting her just because she is annoying. That's not fair to a child. Just respond in the adult , grown up way not out of your own emotions. It's different if your mother tells you how to rear your baby..she is a grown up so should know better. Your little SD is just finding her way in the world..she will get over this phase so just laugh to yourself at what a little boss she is...poor thing.