Struggling with know it all SD

[north2south]

I'm really struggling with my SD and don't know how to make it better. I want to be supportive of my OH and make it easy for him but I'm at the point where I'm struggling to like her. I've been in her life since she was 4 and she's now 9. I thought by now I would have adapted but I'm struggling more now than at the beginning. I just find she's not a nice person. Entitled, attention seeking and now a know it all... I've got a 5mth old and she's taken to try and tell me how to parent... I mean... I can't even!!! "You need to do this, you need to do that " I snapped the other day (after ignoring for 5mths) when she tried to tell me how to feed my daughter (she's refusing the bottle and will only take it from me with some persuasion and patience) and I said "I don't need you to tell me how to feed my daughter " I'd be mad if my own mother tried that! Then I was straightening her hair for her to go out for her father's birthday "you want to be more careful putting those straighteners on my bed " I've been using straightness since I was 11 love I think I've got this!! Sorry this had become a rant. I just don't know how to stop feeling so frustrated and irritated by her know it all attitude. I'm struggling to even pretend to enjoy her company anymore! Anyone else struggle with anything similar?

@DewinDwl I didn't lose my rag. I never shouted or even raised my voice. I just didn't handle it in the best way. Things I have experienced have lead me to believe that sometimes she isn't nice because she's done not nice things. If she was my daughter I would be having the "I love you but I don't like you right now conversation "

I don't think it's sympathy because I'm a SM I think it's understanding.

You only have her twice a month?! That might be part of the issue. Your SD can’t feel part of the family and now when she visits her Dad there is a new baby taking up all the attention.
I would suggest your DH spends some more 1:1 time with her. He could take her out on some trips so she is getting quality time with her Dad.
Children don’t attention seek, they connection seek in the way they know how. In her mind she is finding topics to talk about with you, she may even think she is being helpful!
I find your attitude about a young child quite disturbing. Saying how some people just aren’t nice people. She’s a young child who has experienced change and upheaval and probably feels insecure and therefore acts in a ‘bossy’ way. Children have very little control over their lives and it is a very normal developmental stage to act the way you have described.
I appreciate you have a young baby you are worried about but imagine in 9 years your baby is going off for the weekend to a step mum who dislikes them .

@custardbear thank you! I do always try and have tolerance I think I'd just ran out that day. Thanks for your advice. I think giving her a job especially when trying to bottle feed could be a really Helpful

"yes dear"... And repeat... And repeat. Do not respond to her at all. Being snippy is not going to help, she's just a little girl.
Then, you need to get her involved in things in a positive way. Give her little responsibilities. None year olds are very capable if they are shown.

If she was my daughter I would be having the "I love you but I don't like you right now" conversation
I would criticise the behaviour not the person.

Remember that she is trying to be helpful and showing an interest in her stepsibling. Many children in her position would be indifferent or hostile.

Think about what her life is like right now... she is no longer daddy's little girl, someone else has taken that crown. Baby is taking a lot of daddy's attention and making him snappy / unhappy (feeding issues). It looks like her SM doesn't like her. She has zero control over any of that. Also she is trying to find her feet in the world and trying to be helpful but perhaps her manner is not coming across well. Hopefully you and DP can model the behaviour you want to see. I think it's really positive that you are giving her little jobs to do.

@lookluv believe me it was not his choice to only have her EOW and he has her extra whenever he can including school holidays. But there you go on that assumption train again! The mother decided all of this! He used to have her 3 out of 4 weekends but mother decided it had to go to EOW. He used to see her in the week but then she moved 2hours away so can no longer do that working full time. So he does the best he can with the time he's been given.

As I said before I've never shouted at her, ever! And never would.

@DelilahBucket thank you. Agreed being snippy isn't helpful and was a pure moment of weakness on my part. Giving her responsibility seems like a good idea

@DewinDwl thank you for this comment. It's really helped me put things in perspective and reset.

You said ‘I just find she’s not a nice person.’ I took that to mean you don’t think she’s a nice person.

Maybe see it from her point of view though? Her father sees her less than her swimming teacher, he’s just had a new baby, he storms around in a mood sometimes over the new baby, she feels awkward and is trying to find her place. If you only have to tolerate her four days a month it’s not like it’s a grinding constant chore.

@Kanaloa yeah you're not wrong. I think I've really needed to reset and reevaluate the situation and put myself in SDs shoes. With tips on how to handle SDs know it all moments I'm sure it will improve.

So he does the best he can with the time he's been given.

No he goes to court to get more access - and of course she moved away! Get really tired of the trite excuses when proper attempts to see the child have not been made.

It is a phase - have def had the conversation with both my DCs and DSD - that I love them but not their behaviour right now. DSD now 17 now just says when she hears me take a deep breath can we have a conversation - "I know what are you going to say but I am having a stroppy teenage moment!" Usually defuses a lot

@lookluv yes he does do the best with the time he is given.

So he's asked the mother to go to mediation which she has point blank refused to do. So yes court would be the next step however... we know she would make his life hell and stop him seeing his daughter all together. We all know it's not a short process so the potential damage it could cause would be huge. Trust me we have had these conversations, he's spoken with other dads in similar situations who where destroyed by the process. As well as it having a really negative impact on the child.

These aren't excuses at all this is just what the situation is and the mum holds all the cards.

Why would she moved away be an excuse? It's not an excuse it just limits us to seeing her weekends and holidays as we can't see her in evenings because of the distance.

My mother was the type of person who routinely showed zero respect for my sister’s and my possessions and would never acknowledge how upsetting it was to have one’s private things carelessly ruined.
Even an “oh I am sorry, I didn’t take care and I ruined your (thing), I know it was important to you” would have gone a long way. It got to the point where I had to be proactive and be on the lookout for my mom’s carelessness lest something get ruined that I would have to pay to replace myself or figure or how to repair.
If I saw someone setting a hot or heating hair straightener on my bedclothes I probably would have been tempted to speak up or ask them to put it someplace else next time.

Books I have read about children with divorced parents mention that possessions are often very important to them - perhaps because they are often separated from half of their stuff. Keeping their things in good condition probably represents the ability to have some control in their life when they may feel many aspects of having two homes are out of their control. There may be a subtext to her worrying about the private things in her room being damaged.

I use a hair iron and it can get pretty hot quicker than I realize sometimes, I tend to prop the hot end atop the cord on a hard flat surface (like a hardback book) so that the plates don’t touch the surface underneath, especially if it’s a soft surface.