Struggling with know it all SD

[north2south]

I'm really struggling with my SD and don't know how to make it better. I want to be supportive of my OH and make it easy for him but I'm at the point where I'm struggling to like her. I've been in her life since she was 4 and she's now 9. I thought by now I would have adapted but I'm struggling more now than at the beginning. I just find she's not a nice person. Entitled, attention seeking and now a know it all... I've got a 5mth old and she's taken to try and tell me how to parent... I mean... I can't even!!! "You need to do this, you need to do that " I snapped the other day (after ignoring for 5mths) when she tried to tell me how to feed my daughter (she's refusing the bottle and will only take it from me with some persuasion and patience) and I said "I don't need you to tell me how to feed my daughter " I'd be mad if my own mother tried that! Then I was straightening her hair for her to go out for her father's birthday "you want to be more careful putting those straighteners on my bed " I've been using straightness since I was 11 love I think I've got this!! Sorry this had become a rant. I just don't know how to stop feeling so frustrated and irritated by her know it all attitude. I'm struggling to even pretend to enjoy her company anymore! Anyone else struggle with anything similar?

Because @HeddaGarbler the rounded advice from @CleopatrasBeautifulNose was around working on clear communication. Would I have use those words specifically, No. But using a coaching conversation isn't bad advice.

I haven't said that this is what makes her unlikeable. It's her rudeness, lack of manners, entitlement, lack of respect and empathy that is starting to make her unlikeable - this is then harder to deal with because of those other traits.

Suck it up isn't the best advice in my opinion. That's how I got here. I don't think there is anything wrong in reflecting back to her what she's doing and communicating with her as other posts have suggested.

I haven't said that this is what makes her unlikeable. It's her rudeness, lack of manners, entitlement, lack of respect and empathy that is starting to make her unlikeable - this is then harder to deal with because of those other traits.

But she 9 and your coming across like she's an adult.
If she rude, lack of manners then speak to your DP about her and see if he can speak to her or both of you together. But he would need to lead that conversation

Entitlement - What is that supposed to mean?

You seem such a bully and she 9. Really check yourself OP. How can I resolve this.?
You can set boundaries but still I think you be annoyed by her presence.
You DP DD imagine he was to hear you complaining like this.
When these can easily be resolved when you put rules in place. But I don't think she being that bad. Your feel out of place with your DD because making it seems she taking over your household probably trying to be the wife not the child.
Your oversensitive because you have a baby.
Maybe each time your DP has her he needs to take her out leaves you at home with the baby.
You need therapy on your own OP.

Is all this poor behaviour happening in front of your DH or are you doing a lot of the care on your own?

It sounds like he really needs to step up here. The know-all attitude is annoying but some of the other behaviours you're describing really do need to be tackled every time.

What ‘other behaviours’ though? The only actual examples op has given is the child saying be careful with the straighteners and something about how to feed the baby. And op has said straight up she thinks this 9 year old is not a nice person. It sounds like she just doesn’t like the girl and wants to be harsh on her. Which is sad.

But yeah maybe tell your husband that. Tell him ‘I don’t like your 9 year old, I can’t even pretend to enjoy spending time with her and she’s not a nice person.’ Because that’s what you’ve said, and if he’s any type of father he’ll see who isn’t a nice person.

I was like this, still am but now more aware of it. Its not intentional on my part just find it difficult not to say things my brain tells me are helpful even though others take it as me being a know it all. I strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum, perhaps her mother is too.

Ha ha with the ironing bed sheets comment my response would be:

DSD: you're meant to iron sheets and duvet covers. That's the right way.
Me: You know, you're right. Crack on. The ironing board is in the cupboard and the iron is on the shelf. If you grab the bedding, I'll fill the iron with water for you. Let me know if you need any help folding.

And...

DSD: you're only meant to walk a dog once a day.
Me: maybe, do you want to walk it for an hour then? Normally I'd do 2*30m. So if you pop out and do the 1hr, that would be great. Thanks. The lead is by the door and the poo bags are just in the cupboard drawer.

My own DS does this about his younger brother. Both boys are adopted and youngest has SEND so traditional parenting doesn’t always work. Oldest advises me on how to parent him, I tell him that he doesn’t need to worry about that as he isn’t the parent and I know what I’m doing.

On reflection I wonder if there is something about attachment, feeling insecure about position in family, anxiety and uncertainty about keeping people safe which is driving this behaviour? Could that be the case for your step daughter?

Try reading the OP's latest post? She talked about rudeness, lack of manners etc.

And the only examples of that she gave was the comments the girl made, which op considers to be rude. She hasn’t actually given any examples of behaviours that justify her idea that the little girl is ‘not a nice person.’

Because @Kanaloa I'm not going to sit and write war and piece with evidence of how she's demonstrated each behaviour I've mentioned. This isn't line of duty! I've told you the behaviours I've dealt with that should be enough for you. I'm sure you would have a problem if I did "oh you have nothing nice to say about her... bla bla" the examples I gave were a couple of examples of what happened in one day as that's the examples that tipped me over. There's a lot more from that day alone! Never mind the last 5 months. There's been lots of things I've dealt with. Don't get me started on when I was pregnant.

For more context when I did snap at her which I'm sure everyone has done at some point I was trying to settle a crying baby a angry and frustrated partner and then a 9yr old trying to tell me what to do. I'm not saying I dealt with it in the best way I was at the end of my wick as it's been something that's been on going.

Actually your advice in your first post was really good and gave me a perspective I hadn't seen before. I just wish you could give this advice off your judgmental high horse

I’m not on a judgmental high horse - simply saying that the behaviour you listed isn’t really indicative of somebody (a little girl) not being a nice person. Although I’m glad you found my advice helpful. Hopefully you can find a way to move forward and I hope the little girl’s dad is supporting her.

Also not sure why you’re trying to settle an ‘angry and frustrated partner.’ What’s wrong with him that he needs pacifying while the little girl needs snapping at and ‘consequences?’

It's her rudeness, lack of manners, entitlement, lack of respect and empathy that is starting to make her unlikeable - this is then harder to deal with because of those other traits.

Does her dad share the view she’s behaving like this? If so what’s he doing to address it? That’s where I’d focus.

@Kanaloa ooh it's a long story. My little girl refuses to take the bottle off him (I'm breastfeeding and express so I can try and leave the house for a couple of hours and I'm die back at work when she turns 6months 😭) she takes it off me with some patience and persuasion but not off her dad. So basically before it happened my OH was having a battle with her to take the bottle, she's crying, he's frustrated and has had to walk off, I've had to get baby to then settle her down before trying her again with bottle - he's storming around stressed she won't take it then dealing with SD comments it all got to much.

Yes I genuinely did find your advice really good. I could give you examples of why I think she's not nice on how she treats people around her however I think it's probably perspective and I think we will end up down a worm hole. Agree to disagree perhaps x

So your husband was storming around the house in anger because his baby wanted the mother to feed them? Maybe he needs to grow up. It’s no wonder his daughter doesn’t behave well socially if her model is a grown man storming around in a temper so his wife has to ‘settle’ him. Is he generally a good parent to both children? Does he take plenty of time with them? Or does he regularly storm round in a temper tantrum when anything goes a bit wrong?

She is just preparing you for the day when your gorgeous little baby will be a bumptious 9 year old who sets people's teeth on edge. Most kids go through this phase, and smart kids are possibly the worst, and feeling insecure due to new siblings and friendship issues might also bring this out.

You have my sympathy, speaking as someone whose DS is friendly with an 8 year old who tells me how to drive, corrects my grammar (wrongly) and believes he knows everything about everything. But he also has a lot going on in his life so I haven't thrown him out on the hard shoulder. Yet.

He's worried because he's taking over parental leave and she's not feeding from him. We have been trying for months and he's not getting anywhere so built up frustration, worry and feeling rejected. SD was bottle fed from birth so he's never experienced this before. I think we are going to have to re look at the situation if I'm honest.

He is 99.9% of the time a great father yes. He puts every one of us first and just wants to do his best by everyone. Yes he spends as much time as possible with both the girls. Baby is all for me at the moment understandably and eldest adores him and he sees her as much as he can.

Hahaha! This made me chuckle no end! Sounds very similar! I all feels very intense sometimes x

@north2south

So the stress of trying to get your baby to take a bottle your taking it out on your SD.

Maybe your making more it than it is. She at that age and feel sorry for you when your own DD hit the teenager years. You complaining now and your SD not even a teenager yet.

No I wasn't taking it out on her it's been an issue for a long time before that and the pressured situation made me finally say something to her. I'm not saying I handled it perfectly by any means hence asking for advice. Well I have a few years to prepare for those teenage years. Sounds like you must parent perfectly

Also @Beinggood2 when my daughter hits difficult years I'm her mother so can parent her as I see fit. I can't do this with SD and have to tread very carefully and stay in my lane

Yep. Sounds more a type,of,personality that age rather than her trying to get at you personally!

"You need to feed baby like that"

"Is that how you fed your baby?"

"I don't have a baby"

"So what makes you think you know better than me - who does?"

The trick is to put the ball in her court and get her to justify why she thinks she's the authority in life to teach her self awareness.

But I'm with her on putting straighteners on a bed!!!

If I can hold them in my bare hands they are fine on the bed. The irons aren't directly touching the bed they aren't left I put them down whilst they heat up and then use them. I use my straighteners every single day and place them on my bed to hear and between sections of my hair... have done for years. It's 100% fine... I can't believe I'm having to explain this... if I was using an iron like in the 90s you would have a point