Struggling with know it all SD

[north2south]

I'm really struggling with my SD and don't know how to make it better. I want to be supportive of my OH and make it easy for him but I'm at the point where I'm struggling to like her. I've been in her life since she was 4 and she's now 9. I thought by now I would have adapted but I'm struggling more now than at the beginning. I just find she's not a nice person. Entitled, attention seeking and now a know it all... I've got a 5mth old and she's taken to try and tell me how to parent... I mean... I can't even!!! "You need to do this, you need to do that " I snapped the other day (after ignoring for 5mths) when she tried to tell me how to feed my daughter (she's refusing the bottle and will only take it from me with some persuasion and patience) and I said "I don't need you to tell me how to feed my daughter " I'd be mad if my own mother tried that! Then I was straightening her hair for her to go out for her father's birthday "you want to be more careful putting those straighteners on my bed " I've been using straightness since I was 11 love I think I've got this!! Sorry this had become a rant. I just don't know how to stop feeling so frustrated and irritated by her know it all attitude. I'm struggling to even pretend to enjoy her company anymore! Anyone else struggle with anything similar?

Thanks everyone for your responses from what most of you have said it sounds like a phase and great advice from most of you around setting those boundaries and kindly explaining that we are the adults. I definitely need to speak with my OH on how we approach it together when it happens x

@junebirthdaygirl why poor thing? Bit snowflake for my taste. Ignoring behaviour doesn't resolve or teach anything. What you are suggesting is enabling her behaviour and attitude which in my opinion isn't going to do her any favours. In fact ignoring it to this point is what has got it to this point. That's not how I'd handle it with my daughter either as I want her to learn respect and consequences of how you speak to others. Appreciate your opinion though. Thank you. X

Why does it matter if mum is ok with the straighteners? That's up to dad in his home?

Another one to say it's her age. This is very familiar!

@north2south

What is your problem?

Most people have said it's the age.

If she undermining you ability to look after your own baby maybe sit her down say your know she trying to help but you do know what your doing.

Speak with your DP about this. I think your overtired at the moment.

Just because your own DD here won't change nothing you have an addition to the family and including her with helping you will help and maybe if she feel pushed out. She will feel apart of the family.

Please don't let me go off on one. Listen to other posters helpful advice.

Not sure if there are crossed wires @Beinggood2 ? I agree with you. Like I said on my above post from what everyone has said age thing and speaking to her. I 100% agree with what you have gone on to say x

I guessed the age from the title too. I call it the Peppa Pig phase.

It didn't last long for my DSD thankfully. I never got into it like telling her off because I didn't want to get involved with tellings off, but would not agree or ignore either. I was more along a jokey way of:

DSD: you're meant to iron sheets and duvet covers. That's the right way.
Me: oh no! I'd rather have the extra time to nap or eat chocolate haha

DSD: you're only meant to walk a dog once a day.
Me: with my crazy dog? He would be climbing the walls with one walk haha

Might not work for everyone, but we've always had a jokey relationship and she always laughed along. Thankfully the phase passed quite quickly. Hope for the same for you!

She’s 9 and her dad’s just had a new baby. She’s probably feeling a bit all over the place. Some of this stuff is sort of not a big deal - if my dd said ‘be careful with the straighteners’ I’d just say ‘yes, you do need to watch out with those don’t you, they can be dangerous. Don’t worry though, I always make sure to put them safe.’ If she told me how to feed the baby I’d say ‘baby Grace likes to have her bottle like this, she’s such a fussy Madame.’

A lot of it sounds like she’s trying to bond with you and just going about it wrong. It’s a funny age where you want to be seen as ‘grown up,’ or ‘mature,’ especially in the eyes of women you’re close to or look up to. So she’s trying to relate to you by seeming grown up and it seems like you’re really rejecting that rather than modelling more socially acceptable conversation.

Also, ‘I just find she’s not a nice person?’ Do you really think this? Your op does come across a bit like that, and to be honest if she knows you don’t like her it will be impacting on her relationship with you. Does your husband know you think his daughter isn’t a nice person at age 9? Because really nothing you’ve said indicates she’s not a nice person - at worst she sounds like an awkward and slightly bossy boots 9 year old.

Classic mumsnet response isn’t it? It would be wanky to say to an adult and absolutely bizarre to say to your stepdaughter.

You’re being harsh. It’s common sense not to put straighteners on a bed, surely? Are you just mad she pulled you up on something so basic?

Wow poor DSD

This!

They are pretty much all like this at that age OP. They're just finding their feet trying to make "grown up" conversation.

Think about how she is hearing people talk to her, and to each other in your house. Is there anything you can model differently?

I think you might need a coach because this makes you sound like an utter wanker. Do you really talk to people like this in real life?

Op my ex's daughter was like this from the day we met at 4 years old til we recently split, she is now 9. Both her parents were pretty patronising too so there was no hope really!

I don't really have any suggestions but I feel your pain I really do. I think the worst part is not knowing how to correct slightly rude behaviour in a child that isn't yours without it being taken the wrong way by someone. It creates so much additional stress!

Consequences?! For telling you (quite fairly, I think) you should be careful putting straighteners on her bed?

You can't bully children into behaving in what you perceive is the correct manner. You've ignored the behaviour for ages and let it wind you up and now you've had a go at her. How is she supposed to know if you haven't told her it's pissing you off, or redirected her "helpfulness", or modelled more socially appropriate behaviour? You're expecting her to behave like an adult ("I wouldn't let my mum talk to me like that" - well of course you wouldn't - your mum is a grown up...!) when she's 9 and she needs guidance.

Maybe she’s feeling anxious or unsettled about the things she sees you do and that’s where these comments are coming from. Putting straighteners on the bed isn’t a good idea and if she’s learnt about fire risks recently for example, she would feel justified in pointing it out.

Whilst I understand that this type of behaviour is grating she is only 9. They can all be wee know-it-alls, it's just a developmental stage.

As an adult you just have to let it wash over you and rise above it. Obviously if she is actually rude you can tell her off "SD that sounded so rude" or "don't be cheeky please" but you don't have to go into a full on character assassination. If she irritates you, you snap at her, she gets upset etc it's just a never-ending cycle and it could really damage your relationship with her.

Kids model the behaviour they see in the adults around them - I would ask someone to be careful with straighteners on my bed too!

I mean, dsd might just have thought comments about looking after baby sibling were being helpful, or trying to engage on a more adult level but misjudging tone/wording - she's still a kid.

Also go easy on yourself OP, it’s hard having a baby and navigating the change in stepchild relationship. You’re clearly trying to do your best by everyone 💐

Hi Op. I COMPLETELY understand. I think the role of the SM is one of the hardest in a blended family. Because you are maternal you want to Mother them, but can't correct bad or inappropriate behaviour because thats the job of the biological parents and you could be vilified for doing so. My SD was an absolute PITA from the age of 9, and by 12 it hadnt got any better. When my DD came along it seemed to amplify my hatred for her behaviour and i left.
Its the best thing i ever did.
I ended up having to leave the room when she came in because she had told her Mom loads of lies about me to get her own way with bedtime (shes allowed to go whenever she likes due to this now).
She also said some vile stuff to me when i was pregnant and i just couldnt stand being around her.
Her Dad wouldnt call her out on anything because he didnt want to rock the boat.
She is like her mother and I cant see it getting any better.

Please please speak to you DH and make sure he understands how you feel. My ex wouldnt even try to see it from my pov.
You need an action plan of how to deal with this so she learns this is totally unacceptable to you and her dad.

Sounds a bit like my own 8 yo DD

Can all the fire marshals please stand down 🙄 I'm not putting hot iron plates directly on the bed am I! Do you iron your bedsheets by any chance?... Jesus...

Honestly, I'm not sure the OP is clearly trying to do the best by everyone going by how she loves @CleopatrasBeautifulNose 's condescending and harsh way of speaking to a 9 year old. The OP has asked for guidance on how to manage her irritation, it would be constructive to advise her on that in order to make her life better.

My own daughter did this. My son does this at the moment too. It is bloody annoying but it is a phase and it's also your SD's way of trying to connect with you. To her, you and her are the 'grown-up' females, way older than your baby.

To say she's unlikeable for it is harsh, because you're viewing the trait as you would in an adult and that's not the case. I also think it's not on for your DP to say she gets it from her mother (or whatever he said) because it is a specific age thing.

So this is my advice OP: suck it up, smile and thank her for her advice. I bet she beams. Then on some occasions, not all, follow up with a large smile and a friendly, joking tone, you can say, "you know I do really know how to do X, don't you?" Don't shame her for it.

Exactly