Struggling with know it all SD

[north2south]

I'm really struggling with my SD and don't know how to make it better. I want to be supportive of my OH and make it easy for him but I'm at the point where I'm struggling to like her. I've been in her life since she was 4 and she's now 9. I thought by now I would have adapted but I'm struggling more now than at the beginning. I just find she's not a nice person. Entitled, attention seeking and now a know it all... I've got a 5mth old and she's taken to try and tell me how to parent... I mean... I can't even!!! "You need to do this, you need to do that " I snapped the other day (after ignoring for 5mths) when she tried to tell me how to feed my daughter (she's refusing the bottle and will only take it from me with some persuasion and patience) and I said "I don't need you to tell me how to feed my daughter " I'd be mad if my own mother tried that! Then I was straightening her hair for her to go out for her father's birthday "you want to be more careful putting those straighteners on my bed " I've been using straightness since I was 11 love I think I've got this!! Sorry this had become a rant. I just don't know how to stop feeling so frustrated and irritated by her know it all attitude. I'm struggling to even pretend to enjoy her company anymore! Anyone else struggle with anything similar?

Maybe hand her the baby and ask if she has any ideas?
Nobody liked a smart arse regardless of age!

I know the feeding is only one particular issue but could DH do it away from DSD, so everything is as quiet and calm as possible with no distractions? So up in DD's or your bedroom?

OP if you were a bio mum asking for help you wouldn’t be getting the smart arse comments.

I feel for you.

I would just smile warmly and say “ooh thanks for the tip <insert name>“

I’d suggest that The rudeness etc would be best dealt with by her Dad. Otherwise you’ll end up being portrayed as the wicked stepmum… have a chat with your DP and try and work together on it. 💐

It is just her age.

some people take the approach that children must be especially deferential to adults, others take the approach that we are all essentially equal human beings. I wonder if your problem is that you have the first philosophy, but your husband has the second.

I agree! It's not a nice trait in anyone x

Yes potentially. Always worth a try x

The main issue here is straightening a 9 year olds hair. She's a know it all because she's 9 and 9 year olds and let's be honest 9 years olds are annoying in one way or another. Just ignore her she's 9. Ignore her and she'll get bored. Plus maybe she thinks she's helping or it's a way for her to feel involved

100% right there @stepmumspacepodcast some comments are clearly not from step parents but people who like to troll step mum forums to make them feel worse than they probably already do x

Agreed. We managed to have a good chat last night actually about everything and he's In agreement with me around her behaviour and doesn't like the way she is behaving. Positive step hopefully x

I don't think this is uncommon. My nephew used to be the same - luckily now he's a lovely bloke in his 20s and has dropped the bossiness!!

Her dad needs to speak to her about it . Is she like it with him or at school?

I wouldn't say that. I think we are actually on the same page just terrible at communicating sometimes. I'm terrible for holding frustrations in until I can't anymore and he's terrified of correcting or disciplining his daughter as she takes a huff a threatens not to come round for his next weekend and doesn't speak to him for two weeks. Then because if that I've been frightened to say anything at all to her in case it gets misconstrued and makes his situation worse. X

Yes she is like it with him as well. We did get told at a parents evening that's at times in groups she can be bossy and doesn't like it if things aren't done the way she wants them done x

@north2south

So if that's the case she will have to learn the hard way. If she threatens not to stick by rules and stays at home it's down to her. You DP will miss out on seeing her but it's follow rules at my house with your SM. Maybe he takes her out but again rules need to be in place.

Best thing to leave it to your DP but so happy you spoke to him and he understands too.

I think it's absolutely shocking that you describe your SD as "not a nice person" on the grounds of... acting like a child, basically. "Attention seeking"! Of course she wants attention, she's a child. You sound like you'll be in for a shock when your own child grows up.

The straighteners mostly sounds like she was worried about her bed and her bed covers and her comments like she's mirroring the kind of comments she might receive (because children are commonly told to be careful with things and how to do things). She's growing up and trying to be part of the conversation, basically. This may be behaviour that's actually annoying and not appropriate for her as a child, but it's part of parenting to guide children to correct behaviour, not to dismiss the child as basically a bad person.

Yes, she should be guided away from using "you want to do X" and "you need to do" constructions, because these get others' backs up in particular, and to be told nicely that maybe she wants to help, but her telling you things you know how to do is frustrating for you, especially when you're already struggling with the infant, but you sound very hostile to this girl.

Why is it shocking @Precipice when there are things that's she's done that aren't nice? There is a difference between wanting attention and attention seeking. I don't feel you're in a place to say it's shocking when you haven't experienced what I have. Unfortunately there are people in the world who sometimes aren't nice, and that includes children.

I also think it's very patronising to say I'm in for a shock when my child grows up. Difference with my child is I'll be the primary parent and she will be instilled with mine and her fathers values and morals. Not another persons idea of parenting.

You have given some good advice later in your post so thank you for that x

OP has got the response she wants and whilst many on here are saying normal 9yr old child behaviour which has not been managed by her father she gets to quite obnoxious to a 8 yr old who needs to learn from those around her.

I get OP and her DF were tired and grumpy and took it out on a 9 yr old but they get to blame her mother not the fact that OPs partner - her DF is 50% responsible for ensuring she is brought up with his morals and values. Must be nice to be so perfect OP and take it out on a 9 yr old who has not been guided by her DF in his house. Great time to start with a 5 month old who is going to take all his attention when he is on parental leave and she will be getting less attention.Typical SM forum excuse -bad parenting by the mother with poor values and standards is always the excuse

Some kids are bossy - I was incredibly bossy but was taught by my parents in this case her DF, to speak nicely and let other people speak aswell. I learned.

Don't doubt in 6 months there will be a complaint about her behaviour relating to the fat that she is playing up because her DF has to look after the baby and she gets significantly less time.

Have to say OPs post and responses have depressed more and I feel sorry for this young girl over the next few years

And yes I am an SM before someone says something - to two one DS and one DD

I mean half the values your child will be instilled with are her father’s - the one who raised the child who is fundamentally not a nice person at 9 years old and storms around in a temper when his baby won’t accept a bottle. I think what’s not so nice is the idea that she’s not a nice person. She might be a bit obnoxious or socially awkward but to write off a little girl as a bad person intrinsically doesn’t sound good from one of that child’s family members.

I would wonder too if you’ve said that to your husband - does he know you say his daughter is not a nice person?

Actually I think a biological parent that came to MN calling a 9-year-old "not a nice person" on the basis of the behaviours described by the OP would either get their arse handed to them or advice to seek help for their mental health.

Two things spring to mind: there is a lot going on in the family unit (OP, DP, SD and baby) - a new baby can be hard work but we also have the adapting to new family structure, feeding issues, going back to work , etc. More compassion, patience and empathy would help. The other thing is I wonder what happened exactly when OP lost her rag with SD and by her own admission didn't handle things well.

OP to me your posts show lack of empathy and self-awareness but I think you are getting more sympathy here because you are the SM. It's interesting thay your conclusion is that those of us whose responses you don't like must be trolls.

I think tolerance is necessary, you'd have more tolerance with your own child I'm sure. Don't forget she's a kid and you're an adult. I'd be cross is someone put hot straighteners on my bed too so sometimes you also need to listen and take note.
But turn it around and try to give her jobs to do or explain nicely why it's upsetting you

@lookluv I don't feel I was obnoxious to her I was just out of patience in that moment.

Yes my partner is 50% responsible however probably has about 20% impact. We only have SD every other weekend. She does eventually change when she's with us as she doesn't get away with the same things as she does at home but it takes time and then she goes back home where it's back to factory settings. And the cycle continues. Of course he pick her up for things when she's with us but also doesn't want to spend the entirety of his weekend telling her off! Which is understandable! If we had her 50% of the time yes it would be very different.

Also if he does "tell her off" (he never shouts at her) she goes home and doesn't talk to him for two weeks because she doesn't like being told and doesn't come the following weekend which her mother enables. So how can we win in this situation? I barely say anything to SD ever as I'm worried it will make my partners life harder.

We are by no means perfect and I have admitted that more than once. We are both trying to do our best and sometimes buckle under the pressure is all. I'm sure like any parents step or bio.

My partner having parental leave won't impact her as she's not with us during the week and I'll be around at weekends so there will be no difference.

Sounds like your parents were similar to mine. That's exactly how I was taught and my partner was brought up the same.

I think you have been rather assumptive in your response however you're entitled to your opinion.

He only sees her twice a month? I mean that’s a bit rubbish. Maybe he could see her more often if he’s worried her mother is moulding her someone who isn’t a nice person? Or you could just tolerate being occasionally told not to leave straighteners in a bed by a child who your husbands is doing the bare minimum in raising? It is easy to criticise her mother when you guys look after her four days a month and can’t even manage not to snap at her and storm round in temper tantrums for those four days.

To be clear @Kanaloa I've never said she's a bad person. That she certainly is not. Sometimes she's not nice it's very different.

Yes I've had the conversation with my other half.

OP - you do not get it or anyone disagreeing with you.

You do not feel you were obnoxious but how did does she feel when you speak in a certain sarcastic patronising tone.

"Yes my partner is 50% responsible however probably has about 20% impact. We only have SD every other weekend. She does eventually change when she's with us as she doesn't get away with the same things as she does at home but it takes time and then she goes back home where it's back to factory settings." -

Seriously you and your DP have the gall to criticise a mother who looks after the child 313 days of the year. EOW is absolute bare minimum -your DP is not raising this child in any shape or form.
You both don't like how she behaves but have such little input it is fairly arrogant to then complain. You are barely speaking to her, her father criticises her and she gets upset because a new 5 month old baby has been thrown into the mix and dynamics have changed.Shouting is not the answer - sitting her down and explaining might be more useful. No wonder she wants to stay with Mum. How will she not be affected by parental leave - she will now her siling gets Dad all the time and she gets 4 days per month.

Sorry neither your DP or you come across well in this.

Tried and tested Mumsnet excuse - the other parent has low values and standards are not as good as ours but we can not be arsed to have the child more than 52 days per year but feel to criticise and not own our own part in this debacle

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