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Original poster

DP fighting for 50/50 - I’ve said it’s too soon

77 replies

CrystalBall80 · 14/09/2022 07:06

Hi all. I have posted before about me and my DP attempting to sell two houses to blend our families - he has 2 DC and I have one, all under 10 - that all went a bit wrong after I realised he’d be better off financially and I’d be worse off (and the cost of living crisis is only getting worse) so I firmly suggest we park the co-habiting thing and revisit in 6 to 12 months whilst coming up with a plan that works fairly.

Subsequently my house came off the market but he kept his on with a sale continuing to go through (again, despite my concerns around housing / him uprooting the DC too soon / the strain that is already present in our relationship). It’s become clear that he’s assuming I’d be housing him and his two DC in my 2/3 bed home (I also WFH meaning even less space as need some kind of office set up) once his house goes through and until we decide to go for the bigger house. On top of this he’s decided to fight for 2 extra nights per month meaning he’d be completely 50/50 with the ex (mainly I believe to remove the need for CM and he thinks 50/50 will resolve all issues and he’ll never have to engage with Ex again).

AIBU for my actions last night - I basically said I was already concerned about his plans to move in with me (and how everyone would manage given the space) and I’m even more concerned that I have not been consulted on 50/50 (I have always supported him in this decision but we’d talked about going for it once In a suitable house). I basically said it’s nothing to do with me if he goes for 50/50, but this is my house, so if he wants to make a decision like that he should probably seriously consider his living arrangements once his house goes through.

Basically I think I just put the nail in the coffin but I cannot stand watching people make decisions that affect mine and my son’s life anymore whilst I stand idly by!!

OP posts:
IrisVersicolor · 14/09/2022 15:14

OP why have you not said: if you continue with the house sale and do not purchase a new one you will have to find a rental property as you are not moving in here for the moment.

Tessasanderson · 14/09/2022 15:22

He is trying to manipulate you already. Imagine what he will be like when you have a combined vested interest in, say a house or dare i say it a child.

Even if you smooth this over and continue with the relationship, make it clear to him that you need complete control of your life, choices and finances. It sounds like you are in control of all of this, why would you allow someone like this to change that

AnneElliott · 14/09/2022 15:28

No way op. He's a user. If you let him move in he'll never move out!

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 15:29

Why would you let him live in even without 50:50?

He wants his kids only to stop paying CMS, he wants to live with you to save him some money.

He uses everyone for his own monetary gain.

This whole thing is a disaster

GraveAndQuietAtTheMouthOfHell · 14/09/2022 15:35

Sounds like he's expecting you to look after his children too

WoooahNelly · 14/09/2022 15:42

Have you actually asked him outright where he is going to live when his house is sold? What was his answer?

Yupsuuuure · 14/09/2022 16:11

I remember your other thread. He's desperate to cock lodge. He's totally ignoring what you said and is very happily continuing his plan to take financial advantage of you.

There is no future for you both here. He's just out for himself both with you and his ex.

MintJulia · 14/09/2022 16:28

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 15:29

Why would you let him live in even without 50:50?

He wants his kids only to stop paying CMS, he wants to live with you to save him some money.

He uses everyone for his own monetary gain.

This whole thing is a disaster

This. The man is a user. He is looking for a free childminder and free board & lodgings for all three of them.

Make it clear he cannot move in. Email him details for some three bed homes. Detach from him.

JubileeTrifle · 14/09/2022 17:08

You’ve taken yours off the market and he’s still trying to force the living together because it suits him.
Renting can be impossible and I assume he’s not looking at new houses, so you need to shut this down now.
Id tell him it’s fine if he wants to sell his but for no reason are they moving in with you. I can’t see the childrens mother being happy with this situation. I imagine his relationship with her is poor?

Yousee · 14/09/2022 18:56

"you knew what you were getting into" would be fully justified here if you allow this to go on. He's a silly man, he's shown you the future before he tied you in with a joint mortgage/child/marriage. He obviously either didn't read the manual beforehand, or he thinks he's that much of a fucking catch that you won't be able to resist him.
I'd take great pleasure in setting him straight and then setting him free.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/09/2022 19:09

So he doesn't want to give his ex Cms to provide for his dc when assumes you can do it for free??
Keep him away op.
Far away.

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 19:11

I have an awful feeling in a few months, he will be living there and Op will be ground down. I hope I am wrong.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/09/2022 19:12

And op will be pregnant so can't end things quite as easily...

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 19:18

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/09/2022 19:12

And op will be pregnant so can't end things quite as easily...

She absolutely can. And it will be much easier if she does it before he moves in.

For the sake of her other child at least. Living with a cocklodger, taking responsibility for his, disrupting her child and trying to look after a newborn, is not going to be a good environment for any of them.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/09/2022 19:24

Meant she would be made to feel the bad guy ending things with a joint dc in the mix... Not that she couldn't. He seems manipulative enough to suggest a dc... He needs gone op.

Original poster
CrystalBall80 · 14/09/2022 19:42

Thanks for all the replies - I think I needed some reassurance that I’m not an awful person and I’m not making someone ‘homeless’. I think DP has this idea of the ‘perfect family’ in his head, and that everything will be rainbows and sunshine when we move in together. But I’m a little more realistic. When there’s three kids involved, love isn’t enough. You need strong boundaries, solid communication, compromise. We haven’t spoken much today. I think he’s still reeling from being told he won’t be living here. And for those wondering, I would never have another DC with anyone.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 14/09/2022 19:57

Stick to your guns. Doesn't sound like he's interested in what's best for you, your dc or his dc - just what suits him. Massive red flag. Well done for getting your priorities right and saying no.

napody · 14/09/2022 20:17

Well done OP, so strong and putting your child first. His reaction once hes finished 'reeling' will tell you all you need to know. If he keeps trying now you've spelt it out then he'll never respect your boundaries.

TryingToBeLogical · 14/09/2022 23:50

You told him no and he appears to have acknowledged it. Now arm yourself for Phase 2, the You Made Me and My Kids Homeless guilt trip. Just continue pointing out how he assumed (you didn’t offer) and you gave him adequate notice to arrange alternatives. Don’t let him guilt you at all.

Andromachehadabadday · 15/09/2022 06:08

CrystalBall80 · 14/09/2022 19:42

Thanks for all the replies - I think I needed some reassurance that I’m not an awful person and I’m not making someone ‘homeless’. I think DP has this idea of the ‘perfect family’ in his head, and that everything will be rainbows and sunshine when we move in together. But I’m a little more realistic. When there’s three kids involved, love isn’t enough. You need strong boundaries, solid communication, compromise. We haven’t spoken much today. I think he’s still reeling from being told he won’t be living here. And for those wondering, I would never have another DC with anyone.

He doesn’t have a view of a happy family.

He can’t possibly think you all squashed in will make a happy family.

He is focused improving his own finances at the expense of everyone else. That’s what he is reeling from. He is reeling because his plan didn’t work.

Do you really want to be with someone who would apply for 50:50, not because it’s best for the kids but to save on some money. He would be forcing them to spend half the week in a difficult situation so he doesn’t have to pay CMS.

He has also tried to trample your boundaries, to get what he wants. I take it he has said you are making him homeless. Despite him, selling his own house and choosing to do that. Him choosing to try and push you into letting him move in. He is awful and manipulative.

You deserve better. You aren’t making him homeless. A relationship with him will always be this way. Him pushing and trying to manipulating you.

LuftBalloons · 15/09/2022 07:22

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 14/09/2022 07:22

The 50/50 is definitely the lesser of two problems here.

Although it’s of a piece with his other actions: using women to save himself some money.

I’d be a bit ho hum about a man who is so set on NOT paying CMA. It’s an indication of his meanness and lack of responsibility.

MeridianB · 15/09/2022 08:27

TryingToBeLogical · 14/09/2022 23:50

You told him no and he appears to have acknowledged it. Now arm yourself for Phase 2, the You Made Me and My Kids Homeless guilt trip. Just continue pointing out how he assumed (you didn’t offer) and you gave him adequate notice to arrange alternatives. Don’t let him guilt you at all.

I agree. He will either try to move in by stealth (‘Oh I thought you were joking/ thought we could stay for a few months until we found somewhere else’) or will lay it on thick about making them homeless.

His children have a home with their mother and he could still see them. He has chosen to make himself homeless.

Please don’t let him move in on his own, either. It will be a sly way for him to get what he wanted all along. And you won’t get rid of him.

Time for him to move to Dumpsville.

BoxOfCats · 15/09/2022 09:10

I remember your last thread. He's a selfish wanker with no respect for your boundaries. I think deep down you know this relationship has no future. Go with your instinct.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/09/2022 09:12

I hope he now understands that if he chooses to continue with his house sale that he cannot move in with you. The 50/50 child arrangement isn’t the problem here!

He sounds like a real penny pincher who wants you to make his life easier financially!

Andromachehadabadday · 15/09/2022 09:13

MeridianB · 15/09/2022 08:27

I agree. He will either try to move in by stealth (‘Oh I thought you were joking/ thought we could stay for a few months until we found somewhere else’) or will lay it on thick about making them homeless.

His children have a home with their mother and he could still see them. He has chosen to make himself homeless.

Please don’t let him move in on his own, either. It will be a sly way for him to get what he wanted all along. And you won’t get rid of him.

Time for him to move to Dumpsville.

Show quote history

That’s a good point m. It will be

‘well since you didn’t tell me until last minute, can I just stay a few months while I get myself sorted’

or progress to staying more and more then giving it ‘well I am here all the time anyway’

At the same time, flipping between being lovely And laying in the guilt.