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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP fighting for 50/50 - I’ve said it’s too soon

77 replies

CrystalBall80 · 14/09/2022 07:06

Hi all. I have posted before about me and my DP attempting to sell two houses to blend our families - he has 2 DC and I have one, all under 10 - that all went a bit wrong after I realised he’d be better off financially and I’d be worse off (and the cost of living crisis is only getting worse) so I firmly suggest we park the co-habiting thing and revisit in 6 to 12 months whilst coming up with a plan that works fairly.

Subsequently my house came off the market but he kept his on with a sale continuing to go through (again, despite my concerns around housing / him uprooting the DC too soon / the strain that is already present in our relationship). It’s become clear that he’s assuming I’d be housing him and his two DC in my 2/3 bed home (I also WFH meaning even less space as need some kind of office set up) once his house goes through and until we decide to go for the bigger house. On top of this he’s decided to fight for 2 extra nights per month meaning he’d be completely 50/50 with the ex (mainly I believe to remove the need for CM and he thinks 50/50 will resolve all issues and he’ll never have to engage with Ex again).

AIBU for my actions last night - I basically said I was already concerned about his plans to move in with me (and how everyone would manage given the space) and I’m even more concerned that I have not been consulted on 50/50 (I have always supported him in this decision but we’d talked about going for it once In a suitable house). I basically said it’s nothing to do with me if he goes for 50/50, but this is my house, so if he wants to make a decision like that he should probably seriously consider his living arrangements once his house goes through.

Basically I think I just put the nail in the coffin but I cannot stand watching people make decisions that affect mine and my son’s life anymore whilst I stand idly by!!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2022 07:49

He doesn’t sound like a life partner who puts anyone first except himself.

He isn’t considering what’s best for you, or your children.
He isn’t considering what’s best for his own children.
He’s actively acting against his ex.

Do not let him move in.

bloodyunicorns · 14/09/2022 07:52

Yanbu at all. Good for you for standing up for yourself and having your ds's best interests at heart.

Bananarama21 · 14/09/2022 07:59

I remember your last thread this man has some balls. He has set things up to better suit his own needs not the needs of your family unit. The fact he thinks he can sell his house and move in with you and increase contact with his dc to dodge cm payments but increase your own living cost shows his brass neck. This man will never change. Get out now but your financially entangled with him.

twoandcooplease · 14/09/2022 08:15

I remember your previous posts. I think you're really going to struggle the rest of your days with this man. He'll always ignoring your input and doing his own thing

When people show you who they are, believe it. He'll continue to put himself first, then his kids then you and your son

FairFuming · 14/09/2022 08:15

Hes steam rollering you. Probably nodding his head and agreeing ti what you say but then completely ignoring it and carrying in with his own plan anyway. Being passove isn't going to work here. You need to be blunt and tell him he isn't living with you and definitely reconsider your relationship

Daleksatemyshed · 14/09/2022 08:36

I posted on your last thread @CrystalBall80 and I'm glad that you held your ground and didn't let him use you. Trouble is, he's still trying to do just that and really shown his true colours, he wants your money and begrudges his ex getting anything, he's not a nice man, just another user.
Don't worry about him ending it, get in first and say loud and clear NO, no free childcare, no living with you, No overcrowding your DS. Just NO

Chucklecheeks01 · 14/09/2022 08:55

I'd be banging that final nail in myself. You're convinced he is going 50/50 simply to not pay maintenance. He has ignored your boundaries regarding co-habiting. You gain nothing by staying with him

DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/09/2022 09:05

Good for you for putting up boundaries about cohabiting and buying a new place together!

Now keep them up! ! !

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2022 09:11

He’s epically bull headed and entitled. If you don’t want life to be a perpetual struggle you know you’ve got to get rid of him. Quickly, before he shows up on your door step with all his stuff and his kids in tow.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 14/09/2022 10:43

Christ your DP is a brave cheeky fucker.

Happily he can sell his house and you can say oh where you moving to ? Are you renting ? If he says well your house you can tinkle laugh and go "hahah you joker I told you that wasn't happening"

When he goes predictably so your gonna let me and DC be homeless, I would say no lovely you did that when you acted like my house was something you can move into without my say so.

I would see this a massive read flag re moving in the future tbh, he's gonna try and get under the table and then you will have a lot more choices taken away from you when he's in the door....

Also if the only reason for going 50/50 is to reduce maintenance he's a arsehat. And I say this as a sm.

Well done for having boundaries! Don't do it lol

HeckyPeck · 14/09/2022 11:12

I would send him a message along the lines of:

DP, we decided against living together for the foreseeable future and that decision was the correct one and still stands. Some of your comments have made it sound like you want to move in with me when your house sells. I wanted to make sure you know that will not be possible, even on a temporary basis, and you will need to make other arrangements.

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2022 11:40

He's going for 50 50 to save on CMS but do you think he's doing this thinking he'll be living with you, therefore you are around to look after his DC, would he still want 50 50 if he's living on his own, which he will be as he's not moving in with you.

DarceyG · 14/09/2022 11:51

averageavocado · 14/09/2022 07:42

On top of this he’s decided to fight for 2 extra nights per month meaning he’d be completely 50/50 with the ex ( mainly I believe to remove the need for CMand he thinks 50/50 will resolve all issues and he’ll never have to engage with Ex again).

He is telling you who he is, ... listen

I agree. He probably does want the kids that much. Nightmare waiting to happen this situation.

MeridianB · 14/09/2022 12:19

I remember your last thread, OP. Well done for doing what's best for you and your child. It looks like you need to keep doing this and tell him he can't move in.

I recall saying 'he's showing you who he is' on the last thread and that hasn;t changed. I bet he's rushing for 50:50 to avoid paying any maintenance, too.

His behaviour then and now would be a huge turn-off to me. He sounds like a user.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/09/2022 12:46

Imagine dealing with a builder/tradesman trying to steamroller you into a solution you don't want. Stressful, right? Now imagine that every waking hour for the rest of your life...

Just don't.

If he already has a key to your place, change the locks.

beachcitygirl · 14/09/2022 13:33

Shinyandnew1 · 14/09/2022 07:13

Can you link to the previous thread? Was it the one where he was going to be £1000 up when you shared house and you’d be really stretched yourself to get a 6-bed house you didn’t need??

Have you told him he won’t be living with you if he sells? He doesn’t seem to believe you-please do make it very clear.

I remember that thread, was also wondering this. Thanks for asking x

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/09/2022 13:37

I think I'd be getting rid of him over this. He clearly hasn't listened to you and has no regard for your wishes or feelings. Next thing you know you'll be subsidising the costs for his kids and no doubt babysitting them while he does his hobbies. Blending families is hard enough if you're on the same page, never mind if you're clearly not even in the same book. Dump him.

beachcitygirl · 14/09/2022 13:37

Would this irk you? New home plans… www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4614661-would-this-irk-you-new-home-plans

Found the other thread. I remember it well Op
You have your head screwed on priperly & he's majorly taking the piss. Sending sisterhood x

LovelyChicken · 14/09/2022 13:42

I posted on your last thread. Bloody hell OP, what a prize tosser. He wants you to fund his lifestyle and care for his DC. He presumably only wants greater access to swerve paying maintenance. Do not feel sorry for him and house them 'temporarily'. Run away as fast as you can.

Floomobal · 14/09/2022 13:47

Jesus. Never mind might be the mail in the coffin… MAKE SURE IT IS!

You and your son are in a good position. Don’t fuck it up by getting entangled with a user. Make it clear that he CANNOT move in, so that he has the option of cancelling his house sale.

I would end the relationship if I were you. He sounds awful. He’s planning to lodge with you, save £1k a month “for him and his DC” and use you for childcare?!

WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT? Tell him to piss off and find someone else

oobeedoobee · 14/09/2022 13:54

Stop pussyfooting around the bloody subject and TELL him in plain, simple language, that he is NOT moving into YOUR house ! Period !

If he kicks off, then tough shit ! He sure as hell doesn't give a monkeys whether YOU or your DC want him and his 2 DC moving into your too small house, creating chaos and forcing YOU to pay for EVERYTHING FFS !!!!

Just so that he can either force you to agree to a bigger house (thereby continuing fleecing you financially, but in a lovely big house) and in YOU taking care of HIS DC (because, c'mon, you're at home all day anyway, aren't you ??) to save HIM spending money on their upkeep to his ExW (because, c'mon, you're having to buy food, clean, cook do school runs/clubs/homework etc and pay bills anyway, aren't you ?? So what difference will it really make to you ??

Either step up and protect yourself and your DC from this selfish, greedy, miserly, nasty, manipulating prick, or you know, don't ?? Or let him destroy you emotionally and financially and ruin your poor DC's bloody childhood by putting this 'man' as your 'priority' instead of your own DC ?

Graphista · 14/09/2022 14:02

What strikes me in your op is that you're possibly not communicating clearly/assertively with him.

You need to state clearly in words of one syllable that he and his dc will NOT be welcome to move in at yours

If he does dump you because you refuse to allow him to do this then frankly bullet dodged!

Quite honestly if he's pushing for 50/50 purely to dodge cm that's a red flag anyway! I'd be tossing him back in the sea!

purplecorkheart · 14/09/2022 14:11

Honestly, I would be rethinking this relationship. He clearly has no real respect for you and your opinion. He is not going to change.

I agree that you need to tell him that staying with you (even short-term) is not going to happen when the house sale goes through. Trust me if he gets in the door you will have a hard time getting him out. You have to stand firm for the sake of your son.

FlorettaB · 14/09/2022 14:12

It sounds like you’re still going to let him move into your house if he doesn’t go for 50:50. When you have no room. Please tell me that you’re going to say no to that. It sounds awfully like he’s just carrying on with the plan and ignoring your views. He’ll move into your home, it will be unbearably full and he’ll start looking for the new joint home you’ve said you’re not ready for. You’ll end up going along with it.

HardLanding · 14/09/2022 15:07

So he doesn’t want to pay child support, doesn’t seem to care if his DCs want to be/if it’s best for them to be with him 50%

And he wants you house and bank roll him

Does he hate women or something?

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