How do you feel about your stepchildren?

[lavawater]

This is a genuinely curious question.
I'm young to be a stepparent so I have no friends or even acquaintances who have stepchildren to ask bar one, who has an amazing relationship with her SC and treats them as her own.

I don't feel like that.
I struggle when they're with us, I struggle to build a relationship with them, I look forward to them going home when they're here. They're OK kids but raised differently to how I raise my DC and that makes matters more complex.
But I do fantasise about it just being me and DC in my home sometimes - it almost feels like they're guests and I'm uncomfortable when they're here, which sounds awful.

I'm starting to feel horrible for feeling like this and I'm curious to see how abnormal this is amongst other stepparents.
How do you feel about your DSC? Do you enjoy having them there/love them etc? Or am I not too horrific?

They're alright. I'm quite fond of them now. There was a bit of a stage at about 7-8 years when I didn't enjoy it but I think that's just me and kids of about that age.

Oh and when we have them for longer in the holidays I do struggle near the end of their time but I think that's partly our house being a bit small.

You’re entirely normal! Please don’t think you’re an awful person.

Being aware of your feelings and accepting them is so important. Can you put your finger on exactly what it is which is making you feel like this and is there anything which would help the situation for you? 💐

I feel all the things you feel so you're normal in my book!

I used to feel like that when my dsc was young - I always got the impression they didn’t like me very much, I felt so uncomfortable around them for years. My DSC is an adult now and things have improved so much. I genuinely love my stepchild and feel very proud of what they have achieved. Just try to empathise with them, I know it’s hard at times, but in my experience things do get better

I agree that how you feel is totally normal. And it ok to feel that way.

Apparently it takes on average about 7 years for a stepfamily to form to the extent that it feels comfortable and like it actually works. Fast families can do it in about 4 but many families take much longer than this.

Blimey. Proud, infuriated, admiring, occasionally appalled, I miss them, I need a break from them, they’re fascinating, boring, charming, irritating, thoughtful, kind, selfish, complicated, great.

Don’t beat yourself up for normal feelings. Do give yourself permission to go out and do your own thing leaving him to have just dad time with them. They’re there to see him, you don’t have to be engaged or even present the whole time.

I feel the same as you. Totally normal and doesnt make you a bad person.

Split up now but I felt similar to you. Cared about them both but the older was really unpleasant and I found it very hard. The younger one was much easier but still hard work. Never in a million years would I date anyone with kids again

It varies! I've been a stepmum for almost 15 years so have experienced a 5 year old right through to a 20 year old! We always got on ok and never had any major issues but I did feel similar to you, never 100% comfortable when he was over. It was easier when he was younger and probably more of a novelty for me too! Teenage years were hard but he's through that now and I genuinely enjoy his company. Be kind to yourself, it takes time and no 2 families' experiences will be the same.

This is awful but one of my step sons I enjoy coming the other I hate. It's harder work for me and I can't spend time with my DS. It's normal what you're feeling

I think your feelings are very normal. But it’s right that you push back on them to some extent. You chose to have your SC in your life and it’s important to make them feel as welcome and wanted in your home as you are able to.

That doesn’t mean you always have to always love it when they’re around or you’re horrible for looking forward to them going home though.

I like them. They’re dh’s kids though and he was always a hands on parent so I never got involved much. Very much a “dad’s wife” relationship. Their mum made it clear she was Mum and excluded us from any decision making- i did help dh get solicitors letters so school/gp’s etc would keep him informed.

mostly I felt really sorry for Dh and the kids. Nature of the divorce meant he lost much of the relationship he had- when you go from being the primary parent doing school drop offs, bedtime stories etc to only seeing them on weekends, it’s been really hard for him.

btw it was the ex wife who had the affair, before the mumsnet “were you the other woman” crowd come along.

I absolutely love and adore my dds siblings (my ex step dc). I don't love them exactly like my own but I love them more than I'd love a neice or nephew and feel maternal towards them. They're absolutely lovely dc and I still see them even though I haven't been with my ex for 8/9 years.

My ex official step child was an absolute nightmare and I feel nothing but relief he's not in my life anymore. If I'm honest I did dislike him. His behaviour might not have been his fault but it didn't make for a nice child to be around. I feel sorry for him as I don't think he'll grow up to have a happy life as he's very confused and no one who should be helping him helps him. He's put me off step parenting for life!

I've known since he was 11 months old (not OW, DH's ex ended it when DSS was ~4 months), he's now 5 and I couldn't ask for a better relationship with him. Kind of like a very close aunt. DH and ex do the parenting, I just back them up and do fun stuff!

So glad to see so many women reminding others “you ARE normal and your feelings are ok!” X

Dsd is lovely but she's an adult so I'm just a friend, advisor and confidante not a parent. She's very thoughtful and thankful when I stand in for her mum who always seems to have a reason to drop out of things

I'm pretty fond of mine. I enjoy the time when they're here and we get on well. I also enjoy it when they leave.

I am definitely more of an auntie figure than a mother figure and that's what suits us.

There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling.

For me, I swing between feelings really. I don't love them, I know that much and I've accepted that now. And I don't just mean like my own, I mean I don't love them in any way really.

They are alright kids, I've never been a huge kid person. They irritate me a lot when they fall out/are being annoying as kids are, but we also have a laugh and good times together. I definitely prefer one to the other, they are much easier to like and get on with and have much more pleasant traits than their sibling.

I also like how good they are with mine and DHs children.

I much much prefer it when they are at their mums rather than here. The house feels more peaceful, less chaotic and just a much more pleasant way of life.

Idk depends on the day tbh. On the whole I find my DSD interesting, smart and funny. I love her but not the same type of love I have for Dc more as others have said as a aunty and I consider her family.

I will say like any kids (Dc included)I'm like for the love of god I need some me time, space ect. I think how your feeling is normal and isnt so much a solely step mum thing but also just a mum thing.

I stepped on Lego last night and honestly wished for once not to have my house turned up side down by my Dd and want adult time. That doesn't mean I don't love her, just means I'm human and kids are hard work.

That research is mostly from the 1980s!! Latest is 2013. It’s Australian too where they tend on a whole to have more traditional views about families and gender roles. Saying that, I live in Canada where we are so progressive that...well don't get me started on that.

So many more step families these days than in 1985 or 2013. It being more common and times having changed might mean families are generally better set up at blending.

I love my steps. Enjoy when they're here about half the time. Also enjoy when they're not because it means two less adult-sized people in the house. Not personal. More people means more chaos and less alone time. My eldest child is at university and I feel the same way about him too!

It’s based on Patricia papernow’s work. She’s based on North America and is internationally regarded as un expert in stepfamily relationships.

The point is that it’s tough and it takes a lot of effort over a protracted period of time to get to the point where it feels like it works.

So many more step families these days than in 1985 or 2013. It being more common and times having changed might mean families are generally better set up at blending.

Or it could mean more people that struggle with it are walking into the situation!

You sound normal to me!
Plus most kids act up a bit with the stepmum - and kids do play the parents off each other.
Nacho parenting is useful. Look it up.

I personally prefer it when my SD isn’t here. Everything’s just easier and nicer