How do you feel about your stepchildren?

[lavawater]

This is a genuinely curious question.
I'm young to be a stepparent so I have no friends or even acquaintances who have stepchildren to ask bar one, who has an amazing relationship with her SC and treats them as her own.

I don't feel like that.
I struggle when they're with us, I struggle to build a relationship with them, I look forward to them going home when they're here. They're OK kids but raised differently to how I raise my DC and that makes matters more complex.
But I do fantasise about it just being me and DC in my home sometimes - it almost feels like they're guests and I'm uncomfortable when they're here, which sounds awful.

I'm starting to feel horrible for feeling like this and I'm curious to see how abnormal this is amongst other stepparents.
How do you feel about your DSC? Do you enjoy having them there/love them etc? Or am I not too horrific?

What you are feeling is perfectly normal just like the other ladies here have said

You could have, upon finding out these men have children, walked away and not progressed the relationship. I never dated men with children, eve and I'm early 40s now. I always knew the situation would wear me down

I could have walked away from dp but I'd be nowhere near as happy as I am. I would probably be bitter with regret about my decision not to date him on the basis of his kids which might lead me to go on step parenting forums and make comments like yours.

You don't know who you could have met! You aren't the Oracle, are you? And his children will always come first, at least they should! If you signed up for a life of misery, you've only got yourself to blame!

I like the relationship they have with my DC (their half sibling). I'm glad they have them as siblings.

But me personally? Indifferent is the word id use really. I don't really have many feelings either way and wouldn't be bothered about seeing them again if me and DH separated. They are good kids and it's nothing about them personally. I just don't have an attachment to them.

You don't know who you could have met! You aren't the Oracle, are you? And his children will always come first, at least they should! If you signed up for a life of misery, you've only got yourself to blame!

The feelings discussed here do not automatically mean a life of misery.

I don't have a life of misery thank you very much I get on really well with my step children and I'm very fond of them. You don't seem very happy though.

Nope, I'm very happy with my life and DC certainly wouldn't entertain a man with his dc in tow for anything more than a fling

Well, that's an issue for you further down the road. Unless you've sworn off partners for life, don't expect your DC to entertain it with any more grace when they are older. Seriously. If you want a committed relationship in the future, start thinking now about how you'll deal with the money side, inheritances, what if DC want to live with you as adults, access to grandchildren etc. Adult children have some pretty hefty levers on you that they can operate, speaking from painful experience!

They're a nuisance, in all honesty.

Sad but true.

I found them a bit challenging when they were younger, especially when they stayed for long periods in the holiday. Now they are adults, I genuinely love it when they come to stay and really enjoy their company, our DC love their siblings as well. I wouldn’t be without them honestly. It was definitely tough and limiting at times but in the end it was worth the down side.

It's easier now they are getting to teenage years and we barely see them (always in their rooms talking to mates).

@GingerAndLemonn

I agree

My situation is a bit of a mixed bag.

DP has 50/50 custody of his kids. We have DSD4 week on week off. I absolutely love her and we have an amazing bond. I'm very hands on and involved in her upbringing and DP is a superb dad. He asks my opinion in parenting decisions and we really are a team. Whilst I enjoy having her home, I also enjoy getting some childfree time every second week. I guess we have the best of bother world. Because I have no kids there's no feeling of SC disrupting other kids routines.

DPs boys are 14 and 15 so the situation with them is a bit different. At the moment we hardly see them as they say they prefer being at their mums. Given their age DP has said he would never force them to be here if they didn't want.

DSSs were caught smoking/vaping which DP took a zero tolerance attitude to. Both got a lecture on the dangers etc. When their DM was informed she didn't seem bothered and wasn't interested in disciplining them. DSS admitted he was getting cigarettes from his grandad and uncle who live with DSS DM. DP requested school attendance record last term after DSS started failing subjects. Attendance at on our weeks was nearly 100%, attendance on mums weeks was around 70%. So it seems they prefer their mums because there's fewer boundaries or consequences.

The thing is, when they want/need something they'll ask DP. Phone broke, DP fixes or replaces it. He took them shopping for their new school clothes, including designer jackets. Their DM gets uniform grants yet didn't buy any uniforms. The uniforms DP bought went straight up to their mums.

I really angers me that they're both just using DP when they want something. And poor DP always obliges because he doesn't want to lose them. DPs ex is a narcissist and does play good cop to win favour. She also badmouths DP to the kids. She's not helping matters eithers. DP never discusses his opinion of their DM with them.

The whole situation upsets DP greatly but he feels like he can't really do anything and just hopes they'll see sense eventually. With reports of DSSs fighting at school, continuing to smoke, getting drunk etc etc we just hope that's sooner rather than later.

I don’t like my stepchild because he’s not a nice person to be around and is volatile and aggressive. His parents acknowledge this and are pitied, despite their parenting (or lack of) having no doubt contributed quite significantly to the outcome. If I acknowledge it I’m a terrible person and a wicked stepmother. I’ve made peace now with being a wicked stepmother….

I don’t really like either of them TBH. The younger one less than the older.

For what reason? No need to answer ofc I'm just being nosey. It's the opposite way round for me.