How do you feel about your stepchildren?

[lavawater]

This is a genuinely curious question.
I'm young to be a stepparent so I have no friends or even acquaintances who have stepchildren to ask bar one, who has an amazing relationship with her SC and treats them as her own.

I don't feel like that.
I struggle when they're with us, I struggle to build a relationship with them, I look forward to them going home when they're here. They're OK kids but raised differently to how I raise my DC and that makes matters more complex.
But I do fantasise about it just being me and DC in my home sometimes - it almost feels like they're guests and I'm uncomfortable when they're here, which sounds awful.

I'm starting to feel horrible for feeling like this and I'm curious to see how abnormal this is amongst other stepparents.
How do you feel about your DSC? Do you enjoy having them there/love them etc? Or am I not too horrific?

I really really struggle with my SD. She's going through the pre teen stage and it's hard. The mood swings, thinking she knows better and just not listening to any rules are tough.
She's with my DP 80% of the time so don't get much time without her.
I'm trying so hard but tbh I think it might be the reason I need to leave DP. She ruins our days and feel resentment towards her because I can see her manipulate DP but they don't see it.

Yeah it’s that straight forward isn’t it!
Are mothers struggling with teenage kids given such blasé advice? I don’t think so.

Surely the onus is on parents to assess whether or not their partner is making their child unhappy and take action if so. It seems that a lot people absolve parents (usually dads) of this responsibility and place the blame on step parents.

I guess it's easier to blame the step parent because you don't love them in tge way you do a parent - which demonstrates that lack of love goes both ways.

So we can summarise you’re a step child who had a horrible experience so put your child through it. You wouldn’t be a step parent but happy to give your child a step dad despite your horrible experience. You expect your child’s step dad to love your child unconditionally yet you wouldn’t repay the favour and you’re not a hypocrite?

Don’t worry hun, your school year starts again soon, you’ll be too busy with PE and teenage angst to worry about this!

I don’t think you quite grasp what hypocrite means hun.

I made sure my husband was a decent person who actually likes my kid before marrying him. Unlike my father and by the sounds of it a lot of other fathers you’re all married to. I bet you’ll be glad if you’re step children decided to have no relationship with their fathers after having been made to live with someone who dislikes them so long. Get him all to yourself then!

Poor bloke!

Yeah such a high bar to set in a partner. Make sure they actually like your children 🤣

You can like a child and still find then a right pain sometimes

Unlike my father and by the sounds of it a lot of other fathers you’re all married to. I bet you’ll be glad if you’re step children decided to have no relationship with their fathers after having been made to live with someone who dislikes them so long. Get him all to yourself then!

That's pure projection @GingerAndLemonn
I don't think anyone here has said this.

OP, you're not alone x

I feel like some people on this forum think that there is nothing in-between loving a child like your own and being delighted in everything that they do and disliking them. It must be one or the other. It's bizarre!

Depressing isn't it? Every stepmother who posts on here seems to hate / resent their step children.

A lot of the time, it’s not the child you dislike but the situations surrounding the child that you dislike.
Just because a SM doesn’t jump up with enthusiasm at looking after her stepchildren all summer for the parents, doesn’t mean she dislikes the child. It means she dislikes being a doormat for two people who should be taking some damn responsibility for the child that they created.

Well, I don't feel that way about mine. I have a pretty good relationship now with my younger DSCs. We have deep talks, go out for lunch together etc. My older DSCs are a work in progress, though. They did very much resent my existence from the beginning, but it's nothing personal - they didn't know me from adam, have never lived with me and live a long way away.

Completely agree. For me there is no hatred or resentment for the SC, only a dislike and resentment for some of the situations i've had to put up with.

Yeah I get that vibe sometimes too. Puts me right off posting. If I posted about my own kid people would be like ahhh yeah it's tough. My DSC and its like YOU MONSTER!

So so true

What each and every one?! I don't see that at all! Once in a while there's someone and you think ooow this isn't for you. But most posters I see round these parts are just trying to navigate stepparent life best they can.

Go back and look at my post earlier in the thread and quote the bit that demonstrates hate and resentment.

Just because a SM doesn’t jump up with enthusiasm at looking after her stepchildren all summer for the parents, doesn’t mean she dislikes the child. It means she dislikes being a doormat for two people who should be taking some damn responsibility for the child that they created.

👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋👋

I don’t think you quite grasp what hypocrite means hun.

No, it's you who's missed it. You said you have chosen not to be a step parent for this very reason - ie, you feel you could not be one without making them feel unloved in their own home. Yet you expect absolute love from your partner.

Unless there's a different reason you wouldn't be a step parent, that smacks very much of hypocrisy.

Because I don’t have the right temperament for it. My husband does. Don’t see how that hypocritical of me. I’ve made an active decision to ensure I don’t have a negative effect on any kids lives.

@GingerAndLemonn are you sure you just didn't happen to fall in love with a guy with no kids?

I’d dare to suggest it’s more to do with not having the brains to understand what the words you’re using mean!

Your husband, if he exists which I very much doubt, is a very patient man for putting up with your nonsense. You sound a total nightmare!

I have three SC. SCS 15, SCD 12 and SCD 9. They are actually really good kids. They are polite, kind and funny.

Our relationship however, has never been easy (expect right at the beginning). The reason for this, the parents. That includes my DH.

My DH is a classic Disney dad. Gives them everything they want out of guilt. Limited boundaries, no bed time routines, doesn't enforce visits so it's created a lot of issues for us.

I am a planner and I feel like EOWE I have no idea what we're doing. I plan nice activities, then they don't come. I plan to go out but then can't as plans change.

I've been in their life four years and it's been up and down however I do not blame the kids.

The children mum disliked me for a long time. We are very different people. She hated the fact we got married then had a baby but finally something switched and the last year has been fine.

No dramas at all. I hate how financially dependent she is on my DH however I knew the situation when we got together so I'm seld-sufficient.