How do you feel about your stepchildren?

[lavawater]

This is a genuinely curious question.
I'm young to be a stepparent so I have no friends or even acquaintances who have stepchildren to ask bar one, who has an amazing relationship with her SC and treats them as her own.

I don't feel like that.
I struggle when they're with us, I struggle to build a relationship with them, I look forward to them going home when they're here. They're OK kids but raised differently to how I raise my DC and that makes matters more complex.
But I do fantasise about it just being me and DC in my home sometimes - it almost feels like they're guests and I'm uncomfortable when they're here, which sounds awful.

I'm starting to feel horrible for feeling like this and I'm curious to see how abnormal this is amongst other stepparents.
How do you feel about your DSC? Do you enjoy having them there/love them etc? Or am I not too horrific?

I'd also say, set your boundaries as early as you can in the relationship and if you can treat them more like a niece/nephew rather than trying to make them your kids, you'll have a better relationship. Let your bloke do all the disciplining and don't be so quick to be the babysitter.
(Wish someone had told me this sooner!)

Soz I assumed it was Australian because the site is. Still old and possibly outdated though.

Deffo takes effort over a protracted time, do bears shit in the woods?!

She’s still working - she’s got a new book in press. I think she’s still pretty confident that her model is representative of the states that stepfamilies go through as they try to figure things out.

The point is that it’s fine to feel like it’s bloody hard doing the SC thing even for a very long time.

Probably means both.

Things have deffo changed to makes things easier to blend in some ways. Laws, societal acceptance, and so on and so on.

I’ve spoken to my DH countless times after during the 28 years he’s been step dad to my son. He says DS is wonderful, infuriating, funny, irritating, talented, idiotic, sparking just about every emotion there is!

The difference is my DH was a full time step dad I think. Son’s dad was briefly married, she was not an exemplary step mum (what kind of woman calls a 5 year old a mistake & evil? Luckily Dad binned her, one of the most vile people I’ve ever met, not a jealousy thing because if son’s dad & I were the last 2 people on Earth, the human race would die out).

Son’s had lots of other step Mums who have been pretty much as my DH has been as a step dad; taking time, being open, talking about any issues, just being a good support - parents with kids do come with baggage - and good communication is vital between everyone. And yes, it can take years, and there will be many bumps in the road.

My favourite photo is of my DH & son’s Dad straightening son’s tie, mortarboard and gown just before his graduation. Just to see how proud they both were of our son justified all the hard work we’d all put in to make the relationships between all of us, rather like a giant extended family, as positive & filled with love & support as we could. Even if at times I wouldn’t piss on my ex if he was on fire.

When my daughter had to be homeschooled, son’s Dad tutored her for GCSE English & English lit - hey, he trained as a secondary Eng & Drama teacher, why not? Lol!

Sometimes it’s good to take the emotions out of the equation, as hard as it is, and focus on keeping the waters as smooth & calm as you can. Lead by example (but then that’s a pretty good motto for life anyway)! If you need time, take it. It’s a long road but there’s always the ability, with hard work, it can be a positive thing.

Laws and societal acceptance don’t really affect the things covered in those stages though. It’s about figuring out how to meet the needs if everyone, despite a whole constellation of external factors beyond your control.

and to some extent stepfamilies being more common makes it harder because there’s such pressure that you should be able to do (and a lot of people struggling internally and publicly pretending it’s great.

stepmums should be called aunties and step dad's called Uncles to remove the pressure on the "stepmum" etc and for kids to not feel conflicted. There is only one mum and one dad The "step " bit adds fuel to the fire for the children who see their parents position being replaced.

Aunties and uncles are so much easier. No pressure to love the child like your own, just do aunty and uncle duties.

@CentrifugalBumblePuppy The difference is my DH was a full time step dad I think.
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I think this is a really good point. My difficulties are because of poor parenting, if we had dss full time I think things would be better rather than trying to undo piss poor parenting every time he comes

Don't be daft, course law and societal acceptance affect the things covered in those stages. You have more models of how to do things, more understanding of what can go wrong, financial implications and so on.

Bear in mind those stages are defined by one person, Dr Pappernow based on her research, that is arguably outdated. They're not universally accepted or set in stone. As with parenting, YMMV!

I don't buy that it being more common makes it harder. People are much more open about the difficulties and struggles. Sunlight, to use a MN expression.

I don't buy that it being more common makes it harder. People are much more open about the difficulties and struggles.

I don't think I've ever encountered anyone being open about the difficulties. Apart from on MN, which is predominantly frequented by people that are already in the situation.

If anything, the age of the internet seems to have cemented the expectation that Step parents should love and treat their SC exactly as their own, with a high level of vitriol directed at those who don't.

I certainly don't see a society that welcomes people being open about the struggles.

I don’t agree that sunlight has been shone on the difficulties. Look at what happens when an SM admits she dislikes her SC on here - and this is an anonymous forum.

I think real life is full of stepfamilies pretending everything is absolutely fine to the world. Admitting you’re looking forward to not seeing your SC because they’re on holiday with their mum socially is light farting in a lift. Even in situations where you can complain about parenthood or your own children, doing the same about SC goes down like a lead balloon.

And there is substantial evidence from many researchers that stepmothers internalise this stuff and feel like bad people for not being able to just love those children like all the decent stepmums out there.

It’s still a big taboo to admit you dislike the effect your SC have on your life.

Lol are you two a tag team or summat?

I respectfully disagree with you both.

Even in situations where you can complain about parenthood or your own children, doing the same about SC goes down like a lead balloon.

Agree with this tbh. That said to some people in RL if you say (as a mum) you found Dc hard work that day,some people act like you have killed a cat in front of them.

I also think MN is one of the places that a lot of fairly varied topics are discussed, which would never be said in public.

Padron, which country are you in? (Don't answer if you don't want to, but I suspect it makes a difference to the prevailing attitude).
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Out of interest then, do you feel like you DO see a lot of people being open about finding step parenting hard/not liking elements of it in general society?

Sadly things aren’t any better for stepfamilies and blending is no easier. I’ve been researching this for several years now and the data are sparse but what is available is very clear and stepmums get a ROUGH ride for all sorts of reasons.

it’s so refreshing to hear women being honest and supported on this thread x

I’m trying hard with my little podcast and writing to try and shift the narrative but it’s hard!! The media doesn’t always want to hear about “normal” emotions from “normal” women…. Which is a shame!!

ABSOLUTELY this!!! So many of the messages I get are from women saying “I thought I was the only one who felt like this” as women don’t feel they can admit their feelings for fear of judgement.

OP, nothing at all wrong with how you are feeling at all so don't feel bad. As long as you treat them kindly and fairly, that's all anyone can expect.

I just popped on to say that I think that sometimes in these conversations the fact that people, including kids, are individuals with their own personalities, and that this will effect how you feel about them, gets lost a little.

What I mean is this - I had four adult step-children in my previous relationship. One I am still close to and really care about a lot. One I still like but am not in touch with any more (we got on but were never close). One I was quite close to but we fell out during the breakup and I have no desire at all to see them now. One I just never liked and they never liked me at all.

My feelings towards them had little to do with the step-parenting relationship and my ability to form that per se, and everything to do with what they were like as people. Hence my very different feelings towards them all. (Not saying any of them are bad people by the way - just some had personalities that gelled better with mine than others.)

I've only found one friend IRL who I have spoken to freely about this and she was so relieved as she felt the same. Everyone else I daren't say anything other than "yes they are lovely".

Absolutely @chillipenguin !

it’s perfectly acceptable for women to talk openly about difficult feelings around their biological children, but not steps. I sooooo want that to change, for the benefit of EVERYONE!

I've tried to like my DCs, 19 and 17, but I just don't and it seems to be getting worse as they get older. They are not badly behaved at all but just really smug/show-offy about stuff which really winds me up for some reason and makes me super protective about my DSs. It's made worse because they've lived 50% in my house for the last 10 years which I've also resented. I think it would've helped if DH and DSC had never moved in. I thought it would get better as they got older but it's actually getting worse as in they have nothing in common with my kids and only come to see their dad and I end up feeling really used. Having had them here nearly all of August (they never both to clean their rooms, do a bit of shopping or help around the house) I am debating telling DH that we need to live separately as I just don't want them around. Matters are complicated because we have our own DS, 4 years, so difficult for DH to move out. Wretched situation. Yes, I am a horrible person but it's how I feel.

@winterrabbit your not a horrible person for having feelings.

Have you spoken to your DH about this in the past ? Is he backing you up re rooms ect. Blended families are hard. Counselling a option ?

Everything you said. Don’t cut yourself up over it, it’s an unnatural living arrangement we’re not conditioned to like other peoples kids.
I dreaded their weekends, couldn’t wait for it to be over, the build up to the next one got worse.
made me quite poorly come the end.

It's really hard to witness people who don't like their step children. I have two friends like this, and I really really feel for the step children - especially given people know the deal when they go into a relationship.