How do you feel about your stepchildren?

[lavawater]

This is a genuinely curious question.
I'm young to be a stepparent so I have no friends or even acquaintances who have stepchildren to ask bar one, who has an amazing relationship with her SC and treats them as her own.

I don't feel like that.
I struggle when they're with us, I struggle to build a relationship with them, I look forward to them going home when they're here. They're OK kids but raised differently to how I raise my DC and that makes matters more complex.
But I do fantasise about it just being me and DC in my home sometimes - it almost feels like they're guests and I'm uncomfortable when they're here, which sounds awful.

I'm starting to feel horrible for feeling like this and I'm curious to see how abnormal this is amongst other stepparents.
How do you feel about your DSC? Do you enjoy having them there/love them etc? Or am I not too horrific?

I have an adult DSD, sadly the older she's got, the more estranged we are. She worships my STBXH and so I tend to get blamed for any lack of communication/engagement on his part.

Have you given any genuine thought to how it came about that they don’t like their SC?

Or how it almost certainly makes them feel like bad people.

Yes - of course. But on the flip side, the ones I know (and of course every case is completely different) knew what the package was and could have walked away early doors rather than be unkind to the step-children. The SC in all the cases I know can't do anything right and it's painful to watch.

Not a step parent but I actively dislike being around partners kid and avoid doing so as much as possible. Would never want to live with them.

I just don’t understand why you’re all married to these men who’s kids you can’t stand. I’m nearly 30 years old and STILL paying for therapy to try and get over the fact my dad married a woman who disliked me and made my life completely miserable for so many years.

I’m sorry you’ve had a horrible experience, but this thread is about women struggling to be the step parent. It’s very hard in both sides and why should a wife give up on the husband she loves because (in my case) the children are turned against her by ex
wife causing a really unpleasant situation?

Very judgemental of a situation you know little about as a bystander. You could be my friend who judges and eye rolls behind my back. She has zero experience of being a step parent and I dare say would struggle in that situation. If only it was as simple as choosing to walk away, god knows I’ve wished I did many many times. I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy.

If you’re struggling then leave.

I love that we're all supposed to have a crystal ball and know from the outset exactly what it will be like taking on someone else's kids and all that goes with that? Complete rubbish. Noone can know what that it like until you have lived through it. If people can so accurately predict the future then why do over 50% of marriages end in divorce? And in my case, noone is being unkind to the step-children. Quite the opposite in fact. The stepchildren are mollycoddled within an inch of their lives which mine as ostracised and I'm made to feel uncomfortable in a house where I (and only I) pay the mortgage. Ridiculous!

I love mine very much. I don't refer to them as "steps." I am a step-child myself, and so I wanted to be sure before I married DH that I could fully welcome his children into my life. It's a good thing because eventually, they came to live with us full time.

Every situation is different, of course, and I suppose I have been lucky. But I would not have married DH had I not been sure that that I could fully welcome his children into my life.

Situations change. Men, not infrequently, change when you marry them. More so when you have a baby. Their exes often react to that in ways that provoke even bigger changes in how they approach everything. All of this can make the SC much more difficult to live with in various ways.

It’s often not that easy to leave. For various reasons.

That might be more down to you that your step-mother. Many of us have issues and unpleasantness from our upbringing/childhood that affect us all our lives, not just those with step-parents. If you're 30 I am guessing you have no clue what it's like to be a parent let alone step-parent.

I have plenty of experience of being a parent thanks.

And a step-parent?

I decided not to date men with children for this very reason. My husband is a step parent. And he’s fantastic. He loves my child and treats her the same as his own. Anything less and he would be told to leave.

You don't know that. He might not and he might be scared to tell you as it sounds like you wouldn't take kindly to it.

No I wouldn’t take kindly to it at all. It’s very clear to see that he does love her. I’m not stupid.

He might really be fond of her but he may not view her has his own.

Or he might. But faced with the threat of you chucking him out he may not feel able to voice his true feelings.

I always admire the hypocrisy of people who’d never be a step parent but expect the Earth from their partner or spouse. Excellent.

Like I said, I’m not stupid I can see with my own eyes their relationship. She calls him daddy, he calls her his daughter, they are very much bonded and love each other.

Not at all saying that how all step parents should be but the people in here saying they actively dislike their step children are just crap people. Don’t prioritise getting laid over an actual human beings right to grow up feeling wanted.

its not hypocritical at all. Hypocritical would be expecting my husband to be an amazing step parent whilst being a shitty one myself. I’ve chosen not to ever be one. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for fucking some kids life up intentionally or not.

There has been a number of these threads recently. I have two stepkids who lived with us from pretty early on in our relationship. They were 12 and 14 when we married. I am fond of them but that's it. I don't feel any guilt about that. I have tried to maintain a relationship with them (they are now in their 30s) though their dad died quite a few years ago, mainly for the sake of my son. But they have not stepped up to support him, even though they complained their extended family did not step up to support them when their father died. He is now the same age as they were at the time. I have told them he could use some help but deaf ears. This has changed my feelings for them.
One usually has unconditional love for their own children, but I've never met anyone who felt the same about their stepchildren.

Anyone seen that rule book knocking around and their crystal ball 🔮 I seem to have misplaced mine....

You are young yet, my love. Wait another 20 years and your child will be telling you everything you got wrong with raising them. However wonderful you think you have been. It's simply the nature of parenting today.