Step parenting, marriage and different perspectives!

[GAD]

Hello, new here and I’m not quite sure about all the acronyms so bare with me but here goes…

I have been with my partner for a while and I absolutely love him. He’s 43 and I’m 30 and he’s got a son. Being a step parent or whatever you want to call it, is without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I genuinely give it absolutely everything I’ve got, I treat him like I would treat my own child and I have a really great relationship with his son.

Here’s where I’d love a bit of perspective:

I’m at a point now where all the people around me are getting married and having babies and I’ve never really been interested in either but I think the fact that he’s got a son is making me change my mind.

We’ve spoke about marriage because it’s important for me to take the same last name as them both because I feel like I’ll then be a part of their family. Without sounding too self righteous, I think I deserve to have something that’s important to me. I have taken on a lot and all the stuff that comes along with being a step parent (if you are a step parent, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done). So we’ve come to an agreement on that but then babies…

He doesn’t want anymore children, whereas I am on the fence. He’s really close with his son and when I see them talking or cuddling or when his son phones just because he wanted to speak to his dad, I feel jealous and a bit lonely. Not jealous of their relationship, jealous that I’ll never have that experience. The experience of loving something totally unconditionally and having them love you back the same way. I’m really struggling at the minute because I love my partner and I’m 30 and starting all over again scares the absolute crap out of me.

Any thoughts…

The step parent thing is a bit of a red herring. He doesn’t want any more children. You want children therefore you’re not compatible. Unfortunately if you’re adamant you want children then you need to separate and find a partner who also wants that.

Just to add.. I have tried to broach the subject about it but I got annoyed because I felt like he was patronising me by telling me ‘I’ve been through enough stuff in my life, so I know how you feel’. This really got my goat because he’s got absolutely no idea how I feel! He’s no idea what it’s like being a step parent and all of the feelings that come along with it.

Thank you for your reply.

The problem is I don’t know if I do want children. I truly believe that if he didn’t have a son, the thought of children wouldn’t have crossed my mind but because I see their relationship and how much they love each other, it makes me think about having my own child.

I was similar and came to the conclusion the only way I could continue the relationship was if I had my own child. For me it just wasn't going to work if I didn't. But your feelings obviously will vary.

Oh OP, if he is adamant he doesn't want children and it's something you think you will want then I'm afraid this is the worst possible relationship for you. I was a childless stepmother too and know what you mean about it being the hardest thing ever. But my now DH knew from the very beginning I wanted children. We have similar age gap to you. We've since had 2 DC and that's been hard too but if I hadn't been able to have my own children and had to take on someone else's with all that brings it would have caused so much resentment towards my partner and eventually his child. Your partner is well within his rights to not want more children, but unless you are 100% certain you don't either, I would walk away now. You deserve to be happy and it will get so much harder the longer you stay if you decide you do want children 💐

Having your own children is absolutely nothing like step parenting. You get far less of the crap and you also have that love bond so that even the shitty bits are less shit! It would be a real shame for you to miss out on parenting because you happen to have fallen for a man who doesn’t want more.

The problem is, if you had your own that would bring a whole host of other issues re the children being treated differently, his guilt over seeing one child more than the other etc - just read this board for hundreds of threads on the problems and perils of step parenting!

At 30 you gave plenty of time to find someone and have kids of your own if that’s what you want. Or you stay with this guy and then in 5 years time your biological clock starts ticking and you have to start again but 5 years older!

Having been in a relationship with a man with kids, it never got any easier and I’m really hesitant about doing it again. At my age (nearly 50) that’s not such an easy task! But for you, plenty of men your age will be on the same page as you, without the baggage of kids and exes etc

I know it seems harsh but I’d advise anyone in your shoes to leave this relationship. It’s not worth the sacrifices you will have to make for the rest of your life.

And being married isn’t just about the name, it’s about security etc - if you give up your chance to be a mum but he wants to make sure his son is the beneficiary in his will/insurance etc you won’t have a leg to stand on and could end up homeless if he dies. You need to look at the set up here very carefully if you’re not married.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair thank you for your reply.

I feel sad to admit maybe you’re right. Maybe if we had children together, it would be even harder. Especially with his son and their relationship as they are really close.

If I was to walk away from this relationship, I wouldn’t get into another one who has a child, it’s just too hard.

In my situation marriage really would just be for the last name. I’m lucky enough that I have a really good job, that pays more than my partner. So I’m financially independent from him.

@fufflecake did you end up having your own children? And how did that work out?

or did you move on? And if so, how was that?

I fear moving on and having to start again.

@Lostmyway86 thank you for your reply and perspective!

It is hard to admit that maybe you’re right! I just really fear having to start again. How do you even talk to people on a date anymore 😂

I was 29 when I met my now DH (now nearly 35) and if I could say one thing to my 29 year old self I would say - walk away. I love my two DC to death but the trauma of being a step-parent with a toxic relationship between DH and his ex, including court and conflict throughout, the general crap of being a SM and the issues bringing my own DC into it have brought, just no. My mental health has taken a battering believe me. Now on anti-depressants as all my other SM friends are. I think there's a reason over 70% of step family marriages end in divorce and I fear mine will end the same way. Sorry to be so doom and gloom, but in my experience it really is that hard!

@Lostmyway86 I’m really sorry to hear of your experience and to be honestly I can really sympathise. I’ve never had such bad anxiety as I do at the minute, which I just thought would pass. It truly is one of the hardest experiences I’ve ever had to deal with. I tried to explain to my partner that it is completely different for him. Yes its hard and he gets shitty parts but he also gets the ‘i love you dad’ and ‘I’m just calling because I wanted to speak to you’. I don’t get any of that, I literally just get the shit! As @SteveHarringtonsChestHair said, it makes the shit parts less shitty.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I truly hope things get better for you ♥️

Oh. You’re only 30 OP. You are a long way away from it being too late to find a relationship that can give you what you want. PP are right that parenting your own children is totally different to stepparenting. And that the complexity of stepparenting does inflect your experiences as a parent in some hard to bear ways.

Its not uncommon for people to change their views on marriage and children in their 30s.

don’t stay in a relationship because you fear starting again. That is not a good basis for anything. Take the time to think about what you really want. Because you’ve got loads of time.

I did have my own child. It made me feel much more a part of the family unit but at the same time it also brings its own challenges.

If it hadn't worked out I would have left. I had fertility issues and the NHS wasn't offering help to step parents at that time. And I just couldn't stand the thought of living with the DSC knowing the NHS thought they should be "enough" for me.

Oh and prior to DH i had left a relationship at 31 also dreading starting again. Please don't settle if you want more.

If you only want to marry for the name change, you can just change your surname via deed poll, you don’t need to get married if you want to keep finances separate. Once you’re married keeping finances separate is difficult if you split. On the children issue, if you really want them, then you need to leave as you’ll both end up resenting each other. He’s been very clear he doesn’t want them.

Honestly from my experience don’t just walk away run..you are so young and deserve your own family with a man on the same page..

30 is too young to be an SM. My DSM was younger than that when she took me on, but she had a career she loved and had no interest in the baby years. No ex for her to deal with, but by the time we'd all reached 18, she was still desperate for her life back!

If you are a childless SM and last the distance, there is still the later hurdle of the grandchildren, and how that might churn up your feelings all over again. Especially if the ex is still around and the family gatherings are all focused on Grandma with her grandchildren.

Why are you tying yourself to someone who is more than a decade older and at a different life stage?

You are only 30 FFS. Dump your DP and find someone who is on the same page as you life stage wise. In your case it is important that someone wants children with you.

If you think you want DC don't give that up for someone who already has them.

That would make me utterly resentful in the long run and I'd rather find someone else and have my child than not.

If you don't want DC then of course that's perfectly valid, but if you think you do, do NOT waste your time with this guy.

Honestly no guy is worth giving up having a child for in my very honest opinion.

Oh and no matter what anyone says, step parenting is in no way like having your own child in my experience. It won't "make up" for anything, if anything it will make it worse knowing he's already got what you want.

Actually I don't think you're being truthful with yourself and I speak as a step mother. You don't know know whether your relationship is strong enough to give up the thought of having a child of your own. Is what you have enough and worth giving up your dreams for. The answer is no.

I can see where your coming from. If your dp didn't have kids you would be leading a child free life. You need to decide if a, you want kids and b, you want to be a long term step parent. If kids are a deal breaker then dp needs to know so he can decide what he wants too.

You’re only 30. Lots of women don’t know if they want children at 30.

what you do know is he won’t have them with you if you get to 35 and decide you want them. His children will have to be enough for you.

And, even if you don’t want children, you get a life of him having children anyway.

either way, you don’t get the option of a child free life or children of your own.

So is this what you want?

My thoughts are that you need to leave asap. For your own sake. It will hurt, you will all be sad, but otherwise you're signing yourself up for a half-life. Not child free but not a mother either. If you don't feel like you fit in now, this will only get worse.

I'm saying this as someone who played step mum for 6 years before splitting for the same reasons as you describe. I now have DC of my own and am so thankful it was the right decision

This is where the age difference matters as well. He patronises you and you shut up and accept it.

Find someone your own age & stage who is free to be an equal partner.