Step parenting, marriage and different perspectives!

[GAD]

Hello, new here and I’m not quite sure about all the acronyms so bare with me but here goes…

I have been with my partner for a while and I absolutely love him. He’s 43 and I’m 30 and he’s got a son. Being a step parent or whatever you want to call it, is without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I genuinely give it absolutely everything I’ve got, I treat him like I would treat my own child and I have a really great relationship with his son.

Here’s where I’d love a bit of perspective:

I’m at a point now where all the people around me are getting married and having babies and I’ve never really been interested in either but I think the fact that he’s got a son is making me change my mind.

We’ve spoke about marriage because it’s important for me to take the same last name as them both because I feel like I’ll then be a part of their family. Without sounding too self righteous, I think I deserve to have something that’s important to me. I have taken on a lot and all the stuff that comes along with being a step parent (if you are a step parent, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done). So we’ve come to an agreement on that but then babies…

He doesn’t want anymore children, whereas I am on the fence. He’s really close with his son and when I see them talking or cuddling or when his son phones just because he wanted to speak to his dad, I feel jealous and a bit lonely. Not jealous of their relationship, jealous that I’ll never have that experience. The experience of loving something totally unconditionally and having them love you back the same way. I’m really struggling at the minute because I love my partner and I’m 30 and starting all over again scares the absolute crap out of me.

Any thoughts…

I had my own DS before meeting DP who has two children. If DP didn't have children I might consider having another one (though am not desperate), but he not enthusiastic about another one, and I think it would be too much for us as we have 3 children half the time. So I understand taking DSC into consideration and making compromises etc.

But in your situation you don't have any kids at all. And he has one so could prob deal with another one ok.

Honestly I'd walk away. DH and I have a similar age gap and he had a young DC when we met. We're now married and have 2DC of our own but the whole balance of our lives has been dominated by his eldest DC. It dictates where we live, meant we could never work overseas, could never go on holiday in term time when our DC were little as it would be 'unfair' and basically means a life of compromise. If I could back in time I would have chosen a different path even though SDC is a super easy going child who has lived a drama free life even through their teens!

Please leave this man. You are absolutely wasting your youth on him and you will have nothing but regrets if you stay with him. All of the sacrifices in this relationship are being made by you, don't you see that? Get out and move on.

He's a middle aged man with a child, you are a young woman with lots of choices and time. Don't toe yourself to this one, he does not sound worth it at all.

Just again backing up the last two messages. Run as fast as your legs can carry you! I’ve just left a horrendously toxic relationship part of a “blended family”. Thankfully I have my own son that’s nothing to do with them and he is my everything. You have so much time to find someone your age (my ex was older and he turned into a grumpy abusive patronising twat) and have a happier future without someone else’s baggage.

Trust us - don't do it. You only need to look at the Relationships and Stepparenting boards on here to see what a nightmare it is having your own child with a man who already has them. You are young, there are still plenty of men out there your age who don't have children yet. I really would strongly advise you to not push for marriage and children with this man.

This. I was 27 and he already had two. I said oh how lovely, aren't they special, I don't think I want my own anyway... 10 years later and I have 2DS who are incredible but God life is hard. You have no control. Your whole life is dictated to you by prior family concerns. Where you live, where you go, what you do, holidays, finances, your partner's mood, what food you eat, what channel the TV is on... It all becomes a political decision based around the stepchild when they're with you. You will always be asked to sacrifice more for your stepchild than you do for your own, if you have them. You will likely never be loved, considered or appreciated which would be fine if you weren't expected to bend over backwards all the time.

I would move on. Even a year of heartache is better than a life of feeling subordinate in your own home.

Wow the last message is spot on in particular feeling subordinate in your own home. I am in the process of reclaiming mine for my son and I only and that’s a very liberating and freeing feeling. I used to feel like a stranger in my own home on “their” weekends.

Yes. And that feeling actually gets worse if you have your own child and everything is still entirely dictated by the SC. It’s easy to feel that you aren’t even welcome in the family and that you don’t properly get to be a mother to your own child.

If the last name is your main issue just change it. You don’t have to be married to change your name.

You are so young! He doesn’t sound kind, understanding or respectful of you. Why do you value yourself so little? Get out of this relationship and have your own life.

The thing is OP, whether you want children or not deep down, I think this situation has the potential to breed resentment.

You can't have a child free life with this man because he isn't childfree. It's a strange dynamic to make work imo. You are child free but you'll be limited by a child anyway.

Or you end up wanting DC but not having them to keep him happy and then resenting that once you're too old.

Honestly I'd cut my losses, work out what it is you really want. If it's a child free life, find someone who can live that to the fullest with you or if it's children, find someone you can have that with.

If you do decide children are what you want I'd never give that up for a man. Ever.

He's been honest with you. I think you have to respect that.

I didn't have kids with my husband, he has 3, I think the relationships, dynamics, everything would have been different if we had had kids. Including the relationship with his parents, his ex, my family etc.

I was basically OK with the fact that I probably wasn't able to easily have kids and didn't push it. If I'd really wanted one that would have been a major issue to navigate along with all the other stuff that comes with being a step parent.

I try and treasure the freedom it gives me not having my own child.

At 30 you absolutely have more than enough time left to find someone who's on the same page as you. You're getting all the disadvantages and restrictions of having a child without the opportunity of ever having your own with him should you so wish. Staying with him because you're scared to start again rather than him being right for you isn't promising for your relationship's longevity. You deserve more.

A man who doesn't want kids with his partner has noting to lose. When you leave, he will just find a replacement. Men can have sex with any women. He might love you but not enough to have children with you.

My soon to be Ex H was in. a relationship with a woman for 3 years. He never saw his kids and made out that I was preventing him from seeing them. She was like his saviour. Well, 3 years on, it comes to crunch time. He connected with the kids again and they ended because he couldn't commit. I had asked him Do you plan to marry her ? Dunno. Do you plan to have kids with her ? Dunno. Will your children be relegated to the bottom of the pecking line ? No. How will you financiallly support two households ? Dunno.

He had been honest with you.
There is a thread about would you become a step parent knowing what you know and the overwhelming response is no.
You get all the crap without any of the benefits.
As a previous poster said he is a middle aged father and you are a young child free woman.
I’d walk away too.

You mean run away quickly.

Run away as fast as your legs can carry you. X

When I was your age (and was fighting the men off with a stick) being involved with someone with a DC didn't appeal - not because their children were nice etc but because of the dynamics, restrictions existing children put on a situation and the childless.

This is one of those non negotiable items that you simply must address. But one thing I can tell you from experience: having your own is nothing, NOTHING like step-parenting/being involved with someone who has a child. That relationship could end and you'd most likely never see the child/ren again, whereas with your own it is an entirely different journey and experience. Don't miss out on it because you're trapped by someone else's life decisions.

Your DP has made it crystal clear that he doesn’t want anymore Children. You have your answer and are wasting your time. Once again a divorced man with a child creeping on a younger 10+ years woman so he can have a bed mate and built in babysitting. Sorry but after spending some time on this board you see this scenario over and over. Find someone your age who has the same goals in life. They are out there.

Hi OP,
What did you decide to do in the end?
Just one piece of advice - don’t be afraid of starting again! The right person for you is out there!

You both want different things, neither is wrong.

You have to make a choice. Close the door on possible children and continue your relationship.

Or if you want the option to possibly be a parent then you need to leave this relationship. The sooner the better for the little lads sake.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries thank you for checking in on me. That’s made my day 😘

We are currently still together and right now happy, we are still working on difference's but we are in a good place.

I love him so much, I really do but being honest with myself, I think part of me is scared. Scared of starting again.

Zombie 🧟‍♀️

Sorry just OP has replied. They're normally long gone