Step parenting, marriage and different perspectives!

[GAD]

Hello, new here and I’m not quite sure about all the acronyms so bare with me but here goes…

I have been with my partner for a while and I absolutely love him. He’s 43 and I’m 30 and he’s got a son. Being a step parent or whatever you want to call it, is without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I genuinely give it absolutely everything I’ve got, I treat him like I would treat my own child and I have a really great relationship with his son.

Here’s where I’d love a bit of perspective:

I’m at a point now where all the people around me are getting married and having babies and I’ve never really been interested in either but I think the fact that he’s got a son is making me change my mind.

We’ve spoke about marriage because it’s important for me to take the same last name as them both because I feel like I’ll then be a part of their family. Without sounding too self righteous, I think I deserve to have something that’s important to me. I have taken on a lot and all the stuff that comes along with being a step parent (if you are a step parent, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done). So we’ve come to an agreement on that but then babies…

He doesn’t want anymore children, whereas I am on the fence. He’s really close with his son and when I see them talking or cuddling or when his son phones just because he wanted to speak to his dad, I feel jealous and a bit lonely. Not jealous of their relationship, jealous that I’ll never have that experience. The experience of loving something totally unconditionally and having them love you back the same way. I’m really struggling at the minute because I love my partner and I’m 30 and starting all over again scares the absolute crap out of me.

Any thoughts…

Hi OP,
If you might want to have your own children please don’t leave it any longer. It’s too precious to give up on.
Please don’t be afraid to start again!
I’Vr just had my own baby and am a couple years older than you I think.

I wouldn’t give my chance of motherhood for any man, but especially not one who has already had the chance to become a father.

It is absolutely fine that he doesn’t want more children. His choice. But his choice will deprive you of something you want.

I'm another stepmum on here who would be advising to leave. If I had been unable to or chosen not to have children, then I would want a child free life where I would be able to make the decisions and choices I want to make, not make them all based around someone else's children. Because the reality of being a step-parent is that you pretty much have to live your life around someone else's children, and that is so much harder than anyone can imagine, unless they are actually a step-parent which you are so you will understand how hard it can be. Having your own children with someone who already has children is another kettle of fish.
I don't regret my children for a second and if I could go back in time I would do it all again purely to have them, but if I had understood the reality of what my life would become and how hard it would be, I would never ever have chosen to have children with someone who already has them. My step-children live with us full time and it is so hard in so many ways but what I find hardest to accept is the things that influence my own children- traditions or routines that have already been set for step-children that I have had no say or choice in then become automatically adopted for my own children, behaviours that I find completely unacceptable (as does DH) but their mum actively encourages so it's a battle that occurs around my own children or behaviour that they grow up witnessing, attitudes towards things that will affect my children, not being able to spend the time with my own family easily (who live pretty far from us) or if we do very rarely with DH because we need to be around to facilitate contact with their mum. I look at other nuclear families around me and my friends and families with their husbands and partners who they have had children with, without stepkids to have to worry about any of this, and I ask myself why I didn't make the kind of choices they did.