DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

[Namenam3]

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

It’s not a name though. Never mind his name.

It’s a fairly generic term of endearment. Not a nickname.

You wouldn’t register him at school and tell them he’s known as Pumpkin. With a teacher expected to call out the register as: Sweetheart? Darling Brown? Sweetie? Pumpkin Carruthers? Darling Jones? Precious? Buddy? Bae? Pumpkin Smith? Stinkyface?

At 9 he’s old enough to learn that his name has not and never will be pumpkin. It’s just sometime his mum called (calls?) him sometimes. she’s probably called him sweetheart or lovely or many other things.

And she probably calls random kids she has need to talk to in the world pumpkin too. ‘Sorry pumpkin. Didn’t see you there.’ It’s probably not even something she views as specific to him (which would make it a name).

If he’s feel unsure or upset about something and this is how it’s manifesting, concentrating on the surface shit won’t solve anything.

Everything in stepparenting seems to actually be more about ensuring the SM (and her children) come last. Rather than that the SC actually come first. If it were really about their feelings, they’d be spending mothers’ day with the woman in whose body they grew.

That’s not my experience of step-parenting. I appreciate that you have had a bad experience with it but it’s wrong to equate your experience with step-parenting categorically. By doing that you perhaps aren’t
accepting that the problem is/was your own husband, circumstances and even perhaps your own choices.

There’s lots of talk on here of bitter first wives but there’s also some step-parents who are equally blinkered by bitterness after their own terrible experiences.

Step-parenting isn’t going to go away. Making out it’s all doom and gloom for every step-mother isn’t helpful for some seeking advice. And frankly, it’s immature and self-pitying to say things as a PP like “nice things aren’t for SMs”. If that’s your experience, change your situation.

Ah so if it's bad it's because your husband's awful.

Ime not true. My experience was bad because his ex girlfriend is a dick head.

even if my experience of stepparenting had been better (and I do blame my husband - in fact, it’s usually the husband that’s the problem, or most of it, on stepparenting threads), it would still be the case that stepmothers are never in the right on MN.

@DuchessDarty

Step-parenting isn’t going to go away. Making out it’s all doom and gloom for every step-mother isn’t helpful for some seeking advice. And frankly, it’s immature and self-pitying to say things as a PP like “nice things aren’t for SMs”. If that’s your experience, change your situation.

I said that, and actually it's NOT my experience at all. But it's what SM's on Mumsnet are hit with time and time again.

I note that you are on most threads telling women to get back to the bottom of the heap and stop complaining.

Wrong. You’re being emotive rather than factual again. Most or at least half of the time I agree with step-mother OPs. l I just don’t agree that ex wives and SC are always the worst, or don’t deserve any respect.

Who’s saying the OP isn’t allowed to use a term of endearment? Her DH. People on the thread are giving their opinion that they don’t think she should because she asked. But obviously she can do whatever she likes.

Ah so if it's bad it's because your husband's awful.

That is not what I said. I was giving a small but non-exhaustive lust of reasons why it might not have worked. Ex-girlfriend comes under circumstances.

There are other reasons I could have listed.

Do you realise that the objective academic research shows that stepmothering is fraught with difficulty?

That’s not being emotive.

And the kinds of difficulties documented in that literature are represented across this board, with exactly the kinds of societal attitudes that make stepmothering so hard thrown back at them. If only you were more SC-centred, it would all be fine. Change yourself. Be a better person. You chose this after all.

But realistically, those are common circumstances. More often than not step mothering is not a very nice experience. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone and I would simply never do it again myself.

Pumpkin is really generic term of endearment. I wouldn’t change it and your DH needs to explain that it’s a really common thing to call people.

Yes I completely get that step-mothering is fraught with difficulties, I’ve experienced some of them. You seem to ignore that I am a step-mother

I think it’s bloody hard with lots of variables. The more variables, the harder it is likely to be.

Your being emotive was your response about my engagement on this board, not about step/parenting being hard.

And fyi I’m not on most threads on this board. There’s some I wouldn’t touch with a fucking barge pole.

Pumpkin is a common nickname just like sweetheart and darling is. I think it’s ridiculous to indulge this nonsense.

A little bit of research shows that pumpkin pie was eaten centuries back in England, UK. I had a vague memory of pumpkin in a Jane Austen novel somewhere, not tracked it down, but the Jane Austen Centre in Bath has a pumpkin pie recipe:
janeausten.co.uk/blogs/desserts/pumpkin-pie
janeausten.co.uk/blogs/landscape-and-property/mr-collin-s-garden

And Jane Austen's House in Hampshire has a Halloween Pumpkin Trail:
janeaustens.house/event/halloween-pumpkin-trail/

And am pretty sure I heard 'come along, pumpkin' a few times in my childhood!

I don't know if it's aimed at me but yes, you're a step mother, but you're also victim blaming saying oh it's not bad change your situation as if it's always something within your control. The only way I could have changed my situation was to leave. It wouldn't have improved step parenting I would have just stopped doing it.

Some situations are just shitty, end of. You can't change people's personalities unfortunately.

No @Catfordthefifth my reply wasn’t to you, it was to @SudocremOnEverything Her and I were having a discussion about being emotive.

I’m not victim blaming. I made that comment in response to the flippant “SMS don’t deserve nice things”. By changing your curve I did mean potentially leave. That is common advice to anyone in a situation which is not serving them. It’s not something I’d say in that wording to someone being abused, but that wasn’t the case here.

“Curve” should be “circumstances”

Its still victim blaming. Leaving is not a solution though is it? You're saying change your situation in the same breath as step parenting isn't always bad. Well if the only change that makes it better is leaving, then clearly it is that bloody bad isn't it?

But you’re wrong. I’m not saying step-parenting isn’t that bad I’m saying it isn’t that bad for many. None of us can categorically say step-parenting is one thing just like we can’t say parenting is one thing.

Changing things depends on someone’s circumstances. If someone (hypothetical) feels that they’re always at the bottom of the pile and they’re miserable, then obviously the first thing to do is speak to the parties concerned when try to change things. If that doesn’t work, or you have no control over it, then leaving may be the only solution that will make the person happier overall. Absolutely not victim blaming to say that.

Yes, you'd have thought their own mum wanted them on mother's day. But no she did not.

Pet names, "worlds best" mugs, they are just part of the everyday tapestry of life and the DSC will look back when they are older and hopefully laugh at how silly they were

Sorry typo: should be isn’t always bad.

And of course it isn’t always bad because we all have different circumstances. Some we couldn’t reasonably foresee.

Good grief! I call my own 4 dc pumpkin at various times. It is such a common pet name. I even use it with the students I work with. Either calling them a pumpkin because they've done something daft, calling them pumpkin when they're having a tough time and need a friendly face.

DSC is possibly feeling more clingy to the nickname because he is now one part of a blended family as opposed to being the only child to two sets of parents.

I'd kindly explain that his nickname is used by lots of other people and has always been used in your family, but that you will try and remember that he's attached to it as well. Then maybe tone down the references whe dsc is with you until he gets used to it. That way you're acknowledging and understanding his feelings, but also explaining that one person does not have the monopoly on a name.

Other nicknames used in our hours include Munchkin and Bug-a-Lugs - the latter I thought was fairly unique until new friends used if with their baby. I've no idea where we got it from.

Okay.

I do think, speaking generally, accepting some people have an amazing experience, that it's a thankless task.

And definitely on MN step mother's are viewed as the very lowest of the low, their children alongside them.

@Catfordthefifth If you complain about stepparenting, you’re just bitter that you had a bad experience apparently. 🤷🏻‍♀️