DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

[Namenam3]

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

So what? The point still stands. To her baby she is the best mum in the world. I suspect she got a card saying pretty much that same thing which the baby also didn't buy or write in. Are you suggesting that until the child is old enough to buy the cards/gifts themselves that the PP should not expect to receive anything on Mother's day for fear of upsetting the SC?

Couldn’t you just explain that it is not a name at all but a term of endearment, like “darling”?

I think kids do get funny at that age about having things of their own, eg not liking their brother/sister to also play a certain game or even wear a certain colour - don’t know why

Maybe the DSC’s mother had died @SpaceshiptoMars ?

Maybe they were about to go off and spend the day with their mother?

@SpaceshiptoMars · Good point really. If the SC were with their own mum on Mother's Day that would be problem solved wouldn't it!

My SC and my own DC spend Mother's Day/Father's Day with their own parent. My DH GASP buys me presents from my toddler that might indicate that I am the greatest mother to ever grace the planet, because to him, I am. My DH would also do this for my SC to give to their mum but she made it clear that she doesn't want him involved in that department, so he doesn't. Doesn't mean that I should have to miss out.

Are you suggesting that until the child is old enough to buy the cards/gifts themselves that the PP should not expect to receive anything on Mother's day for fear of upsetting the SC?

Don’t be fucking ridiculous @AclowncalledAlice

The issue here is the father giving it to the PP in front of his children by a different mother during the first year the PP became a mother.

That is very insensitive.

I love how all SC are perceived to be these fragile little creatures when it's not nearly the case. My own DC are SC to someone else and I doubt they'd ever be so precious.

And also lol at “so what” when several of you were stressing the point about it being the child who chose it for their own mother. You didn’t comprehend the post properly but are too entrenched in your position that a stepmother always gets badly treated to admit it.

He's 9. He's seeing his dad start a family with someone else. If not using 'pumpkin' makes it easier for him during what might be a confusing time for him, just don't use pumpkin.

No you can't give a 9 year old everything they want or do everything they say. But it's silly to suggest this is an example of that. This is about supporting him with something so small that he's trusted you all with. Listen to him? He won't give a toss at 14 I can assure you

Of course he doesn't bloody own the name! That's spectacularly missing the point. The point is, it has a special meaning to a child of 9! So just let him have it for now. You know full well he won't get upset for example if a stranger used pumpkin for their DC - and there's a very obvious reason for that.

With stuff like that though I don't think it matters. Whether the child is a baby or not, to that child the PP is 'the best mummy in the world' and that's who the present is intended to be "from". It would be insensitive if the DH gave it to the DSC to give to their step mother but it was from (even if he bought it) HER child, to whom she is the best mummy.

People just get themselves in a tizz over anything with step children.

They can be upset, of course, but it doesn't mean anything wrong was done. A mother got a world's best mum mug like thousands of other mothers likely did on mother's Day. There really isn't some huge agenda behind it. Talk to the child and explain why other children's mummies are the best in the world to them and carry on. You can't just tip toe around everything. It's a perfectly normal thing to receive on mother's Day, baby or not for crying out loud.

Next time you say it and dss is there say something like
'Oo daddy says that your mum calls you pumpkin too, isn't that funny! It must be because you're both adorable'

And change conversation

I'll bite, maybe she is.

It seems only sdc feelings matter. Second family dc cannot say anything positive about their own mum just in case sdc are offended. Presumably sdc are allowed to say their mum is the best because we don't give a shit about the feelings of new family dc.

Unfortunately having 2 or more sets of children with different partners is a tricky situation and one that calls for a bit of sensitivity. Either dad helped his first set of children buy a present in which case he can say that they chose the gift they thought was perfect for their mum. Or he didn’t bother helping them and should probably have at that point said he’d take them to the shop to choose something when their upset was obvious... my ex doesn’t bother, The only ones really bothered by it are the kids who are upset as it’s a socially accepted practice in this country and they’re very aware it’s Mother’s Day.

Maybe she is the best though 🤷‍♀️ dons hard hat

Someone who is divorced is hardly going to consider his exW to be the best mum in the world, are they? It’s a bit of reach for SC to grow up thinking this is true.

A child will sit at school and the whole
class will make ‘best mum cards’ - it’s best mum to YOU. As if a SM shouldn’t get anything nice from their own DC because of the poor poor tragic SDC.

It's not about comprehension. Whether the husband bought it or not, it was still intended to be "from" that PPs child baby or not. And to that baby, PP is the world's best mum. It's really not a huge deal. And if it's a deal to DSC then explain to them but don't just stop doing anything and everything they get a little upset over or misunderstand.

I've no idea why people are acting as though it's better go just never do anything that DSC may possibly get upset over or misunderstand even if it's a perfectly normal thing to do rather than listening, sympathising but explaining that it's normal and okay and then carrying on.

And people wonder where these entitled selfish adults come from. I would bet money it's situations like this!

It’s obviously important to your DSC at this time in his young life and it doesn’t impact you at all - just stop using it. You’re not pandering to them, and I’m sure if you found your DH had called his ex wife a particular (fairly unusual) pet name you would probably prefer him not to continue with it. If he continued regardless he’d be a dick.

I've no idea why people are acting as though it's better go just never do anything that DSC may possibly get upset over or misunderstand even if it's a perfectly normal thing to do rather than listening, sympathising but explaining that it's normal and okay and then carrying on.

Because SM must accept their lot in life. Nice things aren't for SMs.

You don’t generally split up with someone because of their parenting. Unless you left the person because they were being a poor parent I don’t see why you would make this assumption?
I think the crux of the matter is whether the father is treating his children equally and ensuring a gift is given to both mums. If kids chose something else then absolutely point that out to them. The problems start when the dad doesn’t bother with doing it for some of his kids

I am the best mum in the world to my DC though! I am under no illusion that I am the only mum in the world with a "best mum" mug. The DSC aren't stupid.

You don’t generally split up with someone because of their parenting. Unless you left the person because they were being a poor parent I don’t see why you would make this assumption?

No you don't @BungleandGeorge but quite often you witness the children being used as a weapon during the divorce and aftermath which very quickly changes your perception of a person.

I think the crux of the matter is whether the father is treating his children equally and ensuring a gift is given to both mums. If kids chose something else then absolutely point that out to them. The problems start when the dad doesn’t bother with doing it for some of his kids

This just isn't possible in every scenario. As I mentioned my SC mother made it very clear she wants nothing to do with her ex and she had it written into the parenting agreement that she would not be providing Father's Day, birthday, Christmas gifts, etc for him from their children and vice versa. So I do it.

And yes, I get them things that say 'Best Dad in the World' and they give him the presents, sometimes in front of my own DC but not once have my DC kicked up a fuss or had a little weep over the fact that this might mean I am saying that THEIR dad isn't the best dad in the world.

Because they realise it's not all about them.

indeed.

Every single fucking year of our relationship, STBXH insisted he must have the SC on mothers’ day. And again this year (when we’d split up). Those children will have no memory at this point in their lives of ever spending mothers’ day with their mother.

And he insisted they must be there the day I came home from the hospital after a section.

Everything in stepparenting seems to actually be more about ensuring the SM (and her children) come last. Rather than that the SC actually come first. If it were really about their feelings, they’d be spending mothers’ day with the woman in whose body they grew.

Completely agree!

Yet it hasn't been important for the past 18 months, only recently.

It's also not an unusual pet name, as many on this thread have pointed out. Perfectly common to hear Pumpkin around here. Granted it may be regional, like Duck or Chuck are used by my very northern grandma and her very northern friends, that doesn't make it unusual. As OP said it's used frequently by her whole family and has been since her own childhood.

YANBU. He’s 9, not 4 - old enough to be told (and understand) that’s it’s a common term of endearment.

Having said that, step parents do come at the very bottom of the pile so you should bend over backwards to make sure everyone else is happy. Your feelings come last, and the feelings of your SC will also trump the feelings of your own DC. This is the law. Allegedly.

Of course he doesn't bloody own the name! That's spectacularly missing the point. The point is, it has a special meaning to a child of 9! So just let him have it for now. You know full well he won't get upset for example if a stranger used pumpkin for their DC - and there's a very obvious reason for that.

How do you know he wouldn't? He may very well get upset at strangers using this and need it explained that it's a common term of endearment rather than a stroke of genius specific to his mother - because this kind of attitude in kids is not specific to step children with step parents.