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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Bedroom one - not making my DC give up theirs

311 replies

Bedroom192 · 14/08/2022 15:08

Me and DH at loggerheads a little with this.

At the moment we live in a 3 bedroom house.

There is me, DH, our child together and then DHs two from previous relationship.

All 3 bedrooms are fairly large. Me and DH have one, DSC share one and our DC has the other.

All the children are the same sex however our child is a toddler (3) and DSC are pre teens (11 & 13).

It's always been a bit of a sore point as I spent a lot of time doing up our DCs room nicely. It's themed and I'm pretty impressed with how it turned out. DSCs room isn't themed as they are too old for that and is a bit more bland but they have a lot more equipment in it, TV, games consoles, computer etc... So imo yes I spent a lot of time and made a lot of effort with our DCs room but theirs is kitted out too.

Onto the main issue...!

DSC13 has been moaning a lot recently about sharing with their sibling. It's "all he wants in life" apparently to have his own room and so on (typical teen dramatics 😂).

DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room.

My response is absolutely fucking not basically.

My reasoning:

Firstly, the age gap. Ds goes to sleep a lot earlier than DSC. He needs his own room for that reason alone. It would likely just mean DSC having to share during the evening anyway when they want to play their games as we can't banish DSC11 from his room so DS can sleep whilst DSC13 has his own room to himself all evening.

Secondly, their room is a fucking pigsty. It's disgusting. Always a mess, they never tidy it and I've given up trying now as it's back in the same state every time they come. Appreciate it's teen behaviour but I'm not having DS have to have a tip of a bedroom just so two rooms can now be used as a dumpsite in the house. His room is clean and tidy and whilst I appreciate that's probably due to his age and it'll be a different story when he's a teen, that's the way it is now. It's not fair on him to go from that to sharing with DSC who can't respect his space and I'm not being roped into keeping it tidy because I'd feel I had to with it also being DS's room iyswim.

Thirdly (and I guess this is probably where I'm a bit unreasonable but it's how I feel), I pay for just as much of this house as my husband does. I want my son to have a nice bedroom. He is my priority at the end of the day. If DH is so desperate for DSC13 to have his own room he can figure out a way of getting a 4 bedroomed house. I don't see why I should pay 50% toward a house that my own child can't have his own space in. I don't have 3 children, I have 1.

This has never been an issue until DSC13 has started mentioning it. There's no way I'm budging.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

InMySpareTime · 15/08/2022 07:35

If the 13YO has a room to himself at yours while the 11YO shares, surely it would only be fair that at their mum's the 11YO would have a room to himself and the 13YO share with the two younger children there.
If you put that equivalence to the 13YO, he'll probably start to work with you and your DH to brainstorm a better solution.

imasurvivor2 · 15/08/2022 07:40

Why is your DH favouring one of his DCs over the other? Sounds like his DC11 will be resentful in the future as he has given older DC a room and not younger DC if you went ahead. That's without even thinking about your joint DC3 who as everyone has already said is too young to share with older DC.

It's a good lesson in life for DC13 that we can't always have what we want. While DH would like to give him his own room he needs to be told it's just not possible

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/08/2022 07:52

The timing is immaculate, right? Just as all the bills are shooting up, the 13 yr old makes his bid for freedom/expensive house remodelling!

Another tongue in cheek solution. Point the young gentleman towards Elon Musk/Bill Gates etc and suggest the solution may be in his own hands. When he has created a new income stream for the family, you can all move into that 4 bedroom detached with large garden you've been dreaming of!

Whoever suggested that the OP is obliged to go out and earn (considerably) more to pay for a bigger house for him is living on a different planet to me!

WhistPie · 15/08/2022 08:22

@Yousee @Starseeking Exactly
@pitchforksandflamethrowers Whoosh

I slept in my parents room for a while, aged about 9, due to a temporary space crisis. When I was 10, my youngest sibling was born!

Toastoftheton · 15/08/2022 08:36

Just to say, I agree with you. It does not harm children to share bedrooms and this modern concept of everyone having to have their own room is absurd. Disregarding the step children/ biological children thing, if someone said there are three brothers, these are their ages and there are two rooms what would you do then I would do exactly as you are doing.

If my parents had let me have everything I begged for at 13, everything that would 'ruin my whole life' if I didn't get, then me the horses I would make them get me would have been shipped to an American boarding school to go on x factor despite the fact I can't sing a note.

Blendiful · 15/08/2022 08:39

This is just life with siblings. Most people can't afford a house for everyone to have a room each if they have more than 2 kids.

Lots of kids have to share. The set up you have makes perfect sense and the 13YO needs to simply be told sorry this is how it is.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 10:20

@WhistPie you know I would blame the lack of sleep due to baby but tbh I'm so used to people being serious about these comments I wasn't sure 😭

Apologies and I'm glad you were joking and yes completely and utterly over my head !

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 10:27

@lookluv while I don't know your history or specific dynamics at play and I don't disbelieve you the eldest maybe resentful that he didn't get a room all to his own, it's a life lesson.

I wanted to be spice girl growing up but alas my parents weren't able to project me to stardom.

Learning to deal with being told no is just something people have to deal with. Along with any other negative emotion, if you spend your life trying to avoid it in a teen, you are setting them up for a nasty shock when they enter the real world. So if he's resentful 🤷🏼‍♀️ well respectfully he will have to cope with it.

This isn't a blended family issue so much as a learning lesson that happens in nearly every family at some point.

funinthesun19 · 15/08/2022 16:23

I find it horrible how your husband wants to get rid of your toddler’s beautiful room and would be happy to see him shoved in an 11 year old’s room.
I get that families swap things around sometimes, but it has to make sense. It makes no sense in these circumstances and it would be really mean to take DS’s room away from him. The older children aren’t there every night so even more reason for toddler DS to be the one to have his own room as it’s his only home.

It makes much more sense for two older children to share as the room will suit them both.

Midlifemusings · 15/08/2022 16:30

I would give them the biggest room (if there is one) and partition it so they both have privacy and their own space. I think you do need to hear their concerns and see what compromise can be made. It isn't a solution for the 3 and 11 year old to share but neither is it a solution that give them the message that only the shared child in the home deserves privacy or their own space. Teens often have different needs as they age and you have to respond to that.

Greensleeves · 15/08/2022 16:33

YANBU to insist that the older two continue to share. If they were all your biological children, this is the arrangement that would make most sense.

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 16:44

funinthesun19 · 15/08/2022 16:23

It makes much more sense for two older children to share as the room will suit them both.

Yes @funinthesun19 that is exactly what the OP said the husband is doing:

Getting rid of the toddler's room, shoving the toddler in with the 11 year old and therefore by deduction giving the 13 year old the toddler's beautiful room. He wants to do that rather than go down the much more simple path of moving the 11 yo in with the toddler because he wants to ensure the toddler suffers too. Why move one son when you can move two? As long as the eldest gets not just a room to himself but the toddler's room, who cares about the extra work involved in moving them around.

funinthesun19 · 15/08/2022 16:51

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 16:44

Yes @funinthesun19 that is exactly what the OP said the husband is doing:

Show quote history

I’m not enraged at all, but you sure seem to be. Deary me. 😬

Sorry OP if I have misread your post. Please ignore my message.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 16:54

@DuchessDarty from the OP:

"DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room."

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 16:55

Unless I have misread @DuchessDarty 's post as well?!

funinthesun19 · 15/08/2022 17:01

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 16:54

@DuchessDarty from the OP:

"DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room."

Exactly I read that to mean DS goes in with DSS11 rather than the other way around. Hence he loses his lovely bedroom to make way for DSS13 having it.
And an 11 year old going in a toddler’s themed room isn’t ideal either. So no winners either way.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 15/08/2022 17:37

If you have three big rooms on the same floor is there not a possibility of moving a non-loadbearing wall (or maybe two) so you have a house with four smaller bedrooms? It would cost but increase the value of the house by more. Might be less expensive than an extension or lift conversion.

The older two sharing makes most sense if you don't have an extra room but I think it is worth exploring options. Involve the older two in discussions so they know they are being taken seriously. Find out what the actual issue is, and what they think would help make things easier. A separate den, or a decent partition, or working in some solo visits, would all potentially work.

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 18:03

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 15/08/2022 16:54

@DuchessDarty from the OP:

"DH has suggested we swap them around so our DS shares with DSC11 and then DSC13 can have his own room."

I read that, in the context of what followed, as meaning the 11yo would be in with the 3yo and the 13yo would be left with his own room. I thought 'swap them round' meant the boys and not the rooms as such. I thought a later sentence was inferring the 11you would be in the 3 yo's room.

But it is ambiguous , I could well be wrong, and I am in a spectacularly grouchy mood this afternoon (partly thanks to my own teens) so I apologise for sarcasm-ing at you @funinthesun19

TolkiensFallow · 15/08/2022 18:57

@InMySpareTime i like your thinking!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 20:42

@DuchessDarty I find wine or cakes helps and you have my sympathies I think heat does something to teens brains that makes them go a bit ott so I'm with you with grouchy mood (I'm ready to stick my head in vat of hot oil currently)

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/08/2022 20:52

@pitchforksandflamethrowers Noooo, not the hot oil! Try a wet towel wrapped round your head instead.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/08/2022 20:54

@SpaceshiptoMars all the kids have been testing my nerves in various and out of the box ways (I would be impressed if I wasn't so sweaty from the heat) ! I don't think a hot towel will do it. Maybe a run but who wants to run in this heat 😩

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/08/2022 21:01

No, no - cold wet towel, not hot. I lived and slept in wet towels when it was pushing 40 - magic.

AlwaysLatte · 15/08/2022 21:05

They have space at their mother's house too. I'd say no too to this even though im normally on SCs side on this.

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:05

Stick to your guns, YANBU !

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